If you’re a basketball player, what could be better than winning an NBA title? Not much, but here’s one possible answer: being named an honorary Ohioan by the governor of Ohio. That’s what the Mavs received after beating the dastardly LeBron James in this year’s Finals. Congratulations.

Due to their “loyalty, integrity and teamwork,” Ohio governor John R. Kasich felt it necessary to praise the Dallas franchise for their first championship with an official state resolution, just because the Mavs’ title proved that those “admirable traits are as crucial as talent and athleticism.” Definitely true and definitely a state-sanctioned shot at a certain former Cavalier who is probably not Zydrunas Ilgauskas.

But that’s not it. Kasich’s resolution also specifically lauds Dirk Nowitzki for “forgoing free agency and keeping his talents in Dallas,” even though Dirk technically did enter free agency last summer. But let’s not allow facts to stand in the way of zings. Nowitzki is also acclaimed for “remaining loyal to the team, city and fans for whom he played his entire career,” just to rub things in a little more.

This is a pretty high-level LeBron crack, all things considered. Not only did the governor actually have to draft such a resolution, it also had to go through the bureaucratic process necessary to get anything done in government. That’s a lot of paperwork, just to dig at a guy who left a basketball team. But hey, if it keeps the constituents happy, it’s totally worth it. Anything for the constituents.

As “honorary Ohioans,” the Mavericks will be entitled to all of Ohio’s finest delicacies, such as Totino’s Pizza Rolls, Hickory Farms and Bob Evans sausages, and burning couches, all of which are among the Buckeye State’s chief exports.

Plus, now that they are Ohioans for a day, they must revel in their deep-seated hatred for LeBron James, which seems to have become the state’s favorite pastime. DeShawn Stevenson will be right at home.

Comments (16)

  1. LOL, this is awesome.

  2. Ok now it’s starting to get a little creepy…

  3. As an honorary citizen of Ohio, does Mark Cuban now have to pay ‘honorary taxes’ in Ohio? If so, I predict we’ll see this happen more often. Warren Buffett is going to have more honorary citizenships than he can count.

  4. What’s an honorary tax? Paid for with the giant cheques from publisher’s clearing house?

  5. “dastardly”? o_O

  6. Great, Kasich lost us $400 mil in grants for the high speed rail and gave the Mavericks honorary citizenship. What a guy.

  7. I live in Cleveland, but I moved here when I was 31 (yes, it’s a dump), and I am not “of” cleveland.

    This shit is ridiculous. People around here love sports hate far more than they love sports, and it’s embarrasing as hell.

    Oh, and Dan Gilbert is a dick.

  8. The real question is how Dan Gilbert ends up looking like a hero when he enabled LeBron for so long. Antwan Jamison’s inflated contract wasn’t going to keep him around, nor any of the other crappy moves he made.

    Maybe once he screws up Irving/ Williams’ career people will notice how bad of an owner he is.

  9. Fake. It’s not written in Comic Sans.

  10. Ohio takes hate to mutant heights.

  11. this is embarassing for the state of ohio… i sure hope lebron takes all the money he gives to charities in Ohio and starts giving it to those in Florida who can use it… how would the governor respond to that?

  12. The whole state of Ohio is corny as hell for that. I know the price of panties is going up because the whole state is acting like a bunch of little b!tche$. Grow up, you all are starting to look like a scorned woman, trying to get even. No where in history has a state gave an out of state team an honorary anything. How about loyalty to your own state. What a bunch of dummies and you wonder why players and teams are running to get out of there. I hope your state never ever wins a championship in any sport ever again. Continue showing the world what you are, a bunch of pathetic sore losers. Can’t wait to see all the people who want to play for your organizations!! So sad!!!

  13. Respect for Ohio before reading this post? Fair.

    Respect for Ohio after reading this post? Non existent.

  14. Who the heck would want to be an “Ohioan”?! They need to go find themselves a competitive team and stop whining so much. Dallas has a parade for something they did; Cleveland might as well have a parade for them too because that’s the only one theyll ever see for a long time.

    I mean, they go as far as to reference Lebron’s phrase around the third “whereas”… I hope the Mavs recognize Ohio’s bitchassness and takes no part in it. Ohio needs to cry a river, build a bridge and get over it.

  15. Hahahahahahaha I almost feel like that’s harsh. ALMOST.

    And then you think of what LeBron did to all the fans in Ohio… and then it’s perfectly okay.

    Chicago Bulls baby.

  16. @Well Played – what did he “do” to Ohio?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *