If you’re a basketball player, what could be better than winning an NBA title? Not much, but here’s one possible answer: being named an honorary Ohioan by the governor of Ohio. That’s what the Mavs received after beating the dastardly LeBron James in this year’s Finals. Congratulations.
Due to their “loyalty, integrity and teamwork,” Ohio governor John R. Kasich felt it necessary to praise the Dallas franchise for their first championship with an official state resolution, just because the Mavs’ title proved that those “admirable traits are as crucial as talent and athleticism.” Definitely true and definitely a state-sanctioned shot at a certain former Cavalier who is probably not Zydrunas Ilgauskas.
But that’s not it. Kasich’s resolution also specifically lauds Dirk Nowitzki for “forgoing free agency and keeping his talents in Dallas,” even though Dirk technically did enter free agency last summer. But let’s not allow facts to stand in the way of zings. Nowitzki is also acclaimed for “remaining loyal to the team, city and fans for whom he played his entire career,” just to rub things in a little more.
This is a pretty high-level LeBron crack, all things considered. Not only did the governor actually have to draft such a resolution, it also had to go through the bureaucratic process necessary to get anything done in government. That’s a lot of paperwork, just to dig at a guy who left a basketball team. But hey, if it keeps the constituents happy, it’s totally worth it. Anything for the constituents.
As “honorary Ohioans,” the Mavericks will be entitled to all of Ohio’s finest delicacies, such as Totino’s Pizza Rolls, Hickory Farms and Bob Evans sausages, and burning couches, all of which are among the Buckeye State’s chief exports.
Plus, now that they are Ohioans for a day, they must revel in their deep-seated hatred for LeBron James, which seems to have become the state’s favorite pastime. DeShawn Stevenson will be right at home.