After 32 wins in two seasons, David Kahn decided it was time to evaluate Kurt Rambis’ tenure as the Minnesota Timberwolves head coach. So, in true David Kahn fashion, he ordered Rambis to write a detailed report regarding the changes he would make to ensure the Timberwolves would be better. From the AP:

Kahn said on Friday that he asked Rambis to write an extensive, detailed report about his team and the changes he would make if he comes back for a third season as head coach. Kahn said he asked Rambis to complete the report in mid-May, and the coach turned it in last weekend, setting up a series of meetings this week.

Kahn and Rambis met for four hours Thursday night and were scheduled to meet for another few hours Friday.

Sounds like an awesome time and a very fun report to write. Rambis probably titled it “Things I Sucked at Before That I Won’t Suck at Anymore,” since it rhymes and is descriptive. Cool task.

But still, Rambis wrote it because he wants to keep his job. As such, we got our hands on a copy of the report, dug out the 10 best lines and present them here to you.

  • “First and foremost, I think we need to win more games. I know this is going to sound crazy from a guy with a lifetime winning percentage of .279, but I’ve been thinking a lot about this, and I think winning more would be good for the team. Not quite sure how we’ll go about that, but I definitely wanted to mention it.”
  • “Read my lips: No new taxes.”
  • “I was thinking maybe we could move our team somewhere warmer. No one really seems to want to come play in Minnesota for some reason. Just a thought.”
  • “I promise, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I will make Michael Beasley choose one hairstyle for the whole season.”
  • “I will not shorten Kevin Love’s minutes for no reason. Tried that, didn’t work.”
  • “Have we considered getting better players? We should think about that.”
  • “If it will help the team, I will punch Darko Milicic in the stomach before every game. If it won’t help the team, I will still consider it.”
  • “Might re-brand myself. Thinking about going back to ‘Darrell Rambis,’ shaving my head and adopting a ‘cool dad’ persona. Feel like that would be an effective way to reach our young players.”
  • “Trade Anthony Tolliver, Jonny Flynn, Luke Ridnour, Martell Webster, Nikola Pekovic, Wesley Johnson and Darko Milicic to the Miami Heat for LeBron James and Dwyane Wade. I have tried this trade on ESPN’S Trade Machine and it works so that is an avenue we should probably explore.”
  • “Three words: More. Point. Guards.”

As you can see, the Timberwolves have a lot of work ahead of them. But with this plan, I think they can be very successful. I mean, if they follow Rambis’ first point, they should be just fine and his job should be safe. Easy fix.

Comments (3)

  1. “First order of business: rehire McHale as an assistant coach. Second order of business: clothesline McHale. Third order of business: refire McHale.”

  2. I’m shocked the trade machine only had +18 wins for LeBron and Wade going to the T-Wolves…. I guess it just goes to show you how important Bosh is :D

  3. First, Id like to say how much easier it would be for me to win, if I didn’t have to work for this crazy asshat of a GM…

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