Nicknames time, y’all. Just like in 2009 and 2010, here are the best possible monikers for each and every one of last night’s draftees.

1. Kyrie “Kool Hat” Irving
2. “Generic” Derrick Williams
3. “Curtis” Enes Kanter
4. Tristan “Licorice” Thompson
5. Jonas “Workers Are Going Home” Valanciunas
6. Jan Vesely “Jerry”
7. “Return of the” Bismack Biyombo (or any of those other ones)
8. “Mr. Cum Laude” Brandon Knight
9. Kemba Walker “Black Label”
10. Jimmer “Jim” Fredette

11. “O” Klay Thompson
12. Alec “DH” Burks
13. Markieff “The Elder” Morris
14. Marcus “The Younger” Morris
15. Kawhi Leonard aka “Find Him and Kill Him”
16. Nikola “No, I’m Not Already on the Wolves” Vucevic
17. Iman “Bowies In Space” Shumpert
18. Chris “White Sox” Singleton
19. Tobias “I Just Blue Myself” Harris
20. Donatas “Dinosaurs” Motiejunas

21. “Rollin’” Nolan Smith
22. Kenneth “Waka Flocka” Faried
23. Nikola Mirotic”a”
24. Reggie “Enrico Palazzo” Jackson
25. Marshon “Probably a Running Back” Brooks
26. Jordan “Trap Goin’” Hamilton
27. JaJuan “Triple Letter Score” Johnson
28. Norris “Detectives from The Wire” Cole
29. Cory “Secretly Canadian” Joseph
30. Jimmy “1950s” Butler

31. Bojan “The Bogdy” Bogdanovic
32. Justin “Blogspot” Harper
33. Kyle “Sweathead” Singler
34. “Modular” Shelvin Mack
35. Tyler Honeycutt “Cheerios”
36. Jordan Williams aka “Fats”
37. “Torta” Trey Thompkins
38. “Miss” Chandler “Bong” Parsons
39. Jeremy “The Notorious GED” Tyler
40. Jon “Banjo Minnow” Leuer

41. Darius Morris “No Relation”
42. Davis “The Dastardly” Bertans
43. Malcolm “Surfboard” Lee
44. Charles Jenkins aka “Get Serious”
45. Josh “The White Guy from Kentucky” Harrellson
46. Andrew “Aged” Goudelock
47. Travis “Cupid’s Chokehold” Leslie
48. “Not Enough” Keith Benson
49. Josh “Whoops” Selby
50. Lavoy “Truffle” Allen

51. Jon “Mr. Deebs” Diebler
52. “Cracklin’” Vernon Macklin
53. DeAndre “Blue Legs” Liggins
54. Milan “Crackman” Macvan
55. E’Twaun “Pat Welsh” Moore
56. Chukwudiebere “Dr. Chocoberry” Maduabum
57. Targuy/Tanguy “Tanguy/Targuy” Ngombo
58. Ater “Ante Meridien” Majok
59. Adam Hanga aka “The Butcher’s Filet”
60. Isaiah “Not That One” Thomas

Comments (20)

  1. Otto Von Bismack!

  2. Jonas “Workers Are Going Home” Valanciunas

    Wow. I bow down.

  3. Dr. Chocoberry!!!

  4. Black Label for Walker is beautiful.

  5. Mr. Cum Laude is taken — it’s my porn name. I’m a bit of a screamer.

  6. You guys owe me a new Mac……spit coffee all over it laughing.

  7. Derrick William already owns “The Whole Enchilada from La Mirada”.

  8. How about Jonas “11th big man drafted by Toronto in 9 years” Valenciunas.

    Or Jonas “We needed a PG but still let go of Knight and Walker” Valenciunas.

    Hint : I hate the Raptors for their sheer incompetence in the draft.

  9. “Curtis Enes” just made me throw up in my mouth a little bit

  10. Klay “White Widow” Thompson – get it right!

  11. Dr. Chocoberry is great, pity his Lakers reign was so short.

  12. You might want to learn how to pronounce Nikola “Scratch” Mirotic.

  13. Norris Cole needs to have a Coronation Street reference. (It’s an English/Canadian thing)

  14. Nope, sorry, but I believe it is Jordan “Got Stackhouse in a trade for Rip” Hamilton

  15. If Kemba Walker continues his shoot first ways in Charlotte.

    Call him K-Hole.

  16. a blog that manages to reference the wire, david bowie by way of flight of the conchords and, possibly, the beatles (or just plain savoy truffle) in one post just has to be great.

  17. Needs more Tyler “B.J.” Honeycutt

  18. I have a better one for Enes.

  19. How about Jimmer “Jimmer ” Fredette?

  20. ps oh and i can’t believe no one included “jimmer jimmer yah jimmer yah jimmer yeh”!

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