How Ron Artest got so crazy

This is how Ron Artest got so crazy, according to Metta World Peace himself. From Hayes Davenport at Celtics Hub, who actually went to see Artest’s first comedy show:

I was eight years old one time, and I had my first experience hearing my parents making sex noises. It was like this…(makes sex noises). And so I thought my father was really hitting my mom. My father is a beast. He is a big man.

So I opened the door and saw my mother’s nipple exposed before me. And I thought, “Man, that’s a big nipple.” I had never seen a nipple like that before. Or I had, I suppose, because I drank from it. I drank her breast milk as a baby. But then I saw it and I was getting kind of thirsty, so I thought, “Maybe I should drink from my mother’s nipples.” But I didn’t.

I walked up to the bed and pulled the blanket over my mom’s nipples. Then I looked over saw my dad’s taco meat. His taco meat was exposed. So I walked over and pulled the blanket over my dad’s taco meat.

There was food everywhere, and I saw a frank. And I was hungry. So I grabbed the frank, and I pulled on it. And my dad goes “Owwowowow.” Because I had grabbed my dad’s dick.

And he goes, “Don’t be grabbing my dick!” And he punched me. I said, “Don’t punch me! I thought it was a frank. I saw the frank on the bed and I grabbed it.” And he said, “That’s not a frank. That’s my dick!” And he punched me in the head.

And that’s how I got so crazy.

Let’s give it up for Ron Artest’s therapist for digging up this memory, because it makes for a great story that totally explains why he’s so bizarre. Good work, everyone.

Comments (19)

  1. That’s the funniest story I’ve ever heard from an NBA player.

    Disturbing, but hilarious.

  2. Wow he’s a horrible comedian. That was not funny at all.

  3. Is this like an Aristocrats thing, then?

  4. That sounds like a comedy routine written by an 8 year old.

  5. Lol at Nick and his repressed memories not being able to laugh at that.

  6. True story, I was there.

  7. This a very funny yet some how i feel these things are not to be spoken in public platforms.

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  10. Gotta love Metta. Pure entertainment

  11. Great, now I’m messed up too. I really didn’t need to read this. What taco meet? His dad has something besides the frank?

  12. this can’t be true. ain’t no 8-year-old that stupid. grabbing his dad’s frank? gimme a break. maybe if he was 2 or 3, but that’s unlikely. definitely not at 8.

  13. He needs to stick to playing basketball… that guy is dumb as rocks…

  14. Oh come on, that was pretty funny. Artest is all about entertainment, he actually is a pretty good guy under it all. Unlike LeBron, here is someone that isn’t all about himself. He sold his championship ring and raised 3/4 million dollars. He’s been going around and talking to kids about mental health awareness. He has a reality TV show that is about helping guys in prison turn around their lives.

    He may not be Chris Rock but at least he’s trying to do positive things – unlike most other NBA players…

  15. [...] he’d definitely sample his poopsperiences in a rap song, then put it on Twitter because he’s an oversharer. Crisis averted, barely.But, as it turns out, bathroom-generated jokes are quite fruitful, which is [...]

  16. his father is the shaqutis

  17. This is what happens when you find out that you aren’t going to the NBA Playoffs! LOL!!!

  18. I have a lot of respect for Ron Artest… His story is a lot like mine. Only I actually drank the nipple milk

  19. Wow, only Ron Artest would have the mind to create a story like this.

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