The NBA schedule was released today, which means we get our first look at when our favorite teams are scheduled to play games that may never take place. Even better,  we also get a chance to peep the extravagant gate-busting promos we’ll never get our hands on. Super fun times. Here’s the best, or worst, of what we’re losing out on.

Opening Night, Nov. 1: Chicago Bulls at Dallas Mavericks — White Denim performs the entirety of their exquisite new record, “D,” for the fans. First 10,000 ticket holders get guitar lessons from guitarist James Petralli.

Nov. 2: Los Angeles Lakers at Golden State Warriors — First 50 fans to show up to the Oracle Arena are allowed to sit in on Mark Jackson’s first pregame pep talk. Any fans that don’t laugh get season tickets for a decade.

Nov. 3: Orlando Magic at Miami Heat — Free midnight sandwiches for everyone.

Nov. 16: New York Knicks at Denver Nuggets — First 1,000 fans in attendance get a Nuggets tattoo sleeve of their choice. Options include J.R. Smith, Chris Andersen and Kenyon Martin. Free 12 oz. Pepsi product is included (Lipton Iced Tea available upon request).

Nov. 18: Miami Heat at Cleveland Cavaliers — Metal detectors will be deactivated for 30 minutes prior to tip-off. Any fan entering the building during this time will be free to smuggle in whatever they want. Hint, hint.

Thanksgiving, Nov. 24: Philadelphia 76ers at Atlanta Hawks — Bird Swap Night, where the Hawks become the Turkeys and each fan in the first 16 rows is given a 1998 replica jersey that replaces the hawk with a turkey. Dikembe Mutombo, Steve Smith and Eldridge Recasner will be in attendance.

Dec. 8: Los Angeles Lakers at Miami Heat — Complimentary ego-stroking service at VIP entrance.

Dec. 15: Los Angeles Lakers at Dallas Mavericks — All fans 5-foot-11 and under get J.J. Barea replica rib pads. All fans 6-foot-0 and eligible for a drawing where they can win an invitation to a DeShawn Stevenson tattoo party.

Christmas, Dec. 25: Boston Celtics at New York Knicks — One lucky fan will be chosen to play center for the Knicks.

Jan. 6: Milwaukee Bucks at Phoenix Suns — NBA season actually begins with league’s least anticipated Opening Night ever.

Comments (18)

  1. Making jokes about murdering an NBA player… sounds like a typical trey kerby post

  2. Technically a joke about Cleveland fans, but sure.

  3. “Who said anything about murder? Now, where’s my tire iron?” – Jeff Bro-looly

  4. I don’t know if that’s a joke about the Warriors chances of winning or Mark Jackson or both, but that’s hilarious.

  5. Making jokes about Cleveland fans… sounds like a typical trey kerby post.

  6. Bingo.

    Also a little Dan Gilbert too, so bingo there as well.

  7. Comic Dans, please.

  8. You say that like it’s a bad thing demeatloaf

  9. why are you doubting the warriors chances of beating the lakers? They have some solid players now.

  10. No free midnight sandwiches! What the hell? I’m loving these blog articles on the upcoming lockout. The Tim and Sid Kid did a funny thing comparing ’98 lockout to this one.

  11. Not doubting the Warriors. Doubting Mark Jackson’s ability to give a serious speech.

  12. everyone: please continue to be angered by these jokes, it makes my day more enjoyable.

  13. I agree, okaymattd. NBA fans are really uptight. I’m a Cavs fan and I find Trey Kerby’s joke about Cleveland fans hilarious.


  15. Man, too bad that I won’t get to see any of this ’cause there won’t be any games last season.

  16. “One lucky fan will be chosen to play center for the Knicks.”………… it!

  17. hand down, man down
    triple dippin, corner pocket

    warriors by five

  18. “Man, too bad that I won’t get to see any of this ’cause there won’t be any games last season.”

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