Joe Mande is a comedian and Timberwolves fan from New York City. What follows is a look at Gilbert Arenas’ filthy Twitter avatars, so be warned.
Gilbert Arenas is a professional basketball player. A professional basketball player who sometimes isn’t allowed to play professional basketball because he occasionally brings loaded guns into his professional basketball player locker room and points said loaded guns at his professional basketball player teammates.
In short, Gilbert Arenas is a complete lunatic. And, like most lunatics, he’s on Twitter.
Gilbert Arenas spends a lot of his time on Twitter giving shoes away to his followers and writing horrible things about women. If you look at Gilbert Arenas’ Twitter stream today, you’ll notice it appears that he’s only written one tweet. He hasn’t. He’s written so many tweets. But as of this morning, all but one have disappeared.
My guess is, Gilbert got a call from his agent sometime this weekend, who said, “Hey Gil, would you mind deleting that tweet you wrote about how you kick women out of your bed when you’re done having sex with them? And the other one about how you want those women to drive themselves home after you’re done having sex with them, even if they might be drunk, because you’re too busy sleeping alone in your king size bed? Oh, and also the one about the box of stolen female toiletries you keep in your bathroom? Actually … just delete all the tweets you’ve ever written ever. Is that cool? Thanks, buddy.”
Gilbert Arenas likes to remind his followers that he’s a comedian. If you’re offended by his words, then you are stupid and can’t take a joke. Sure, I understand that sentiment 100 percent. The thing is, I’m pretty sure Gilbert Arenas is not a comedian. I may be wrong, but I don’t think he’s ever actually gotten up on stage and told jokes. If he is a comedian, he’s a comedian the same way I’m a basketball player and I’m a terrible basketball player. (Currently, there is only one professional basketball player/comedian and his name is Ron Artest Metta World Peace.)
One thing I definitely have in common with Gilbert Arenas (besides all the sex stuff!!!) is we both like to switch up our Twitter profile pictures on a frequent basis. My gimmick is to Photoshop my head onto other people’s twitter profile pictures. Gilbert Arenas, on the other hand, prefers to go with jokey images he finds online. You know, the kind of .jpegs you’d see posted on sexually aggressive message boards or something.
Anyway, for the last couple months, I’ve been saving all of Gilbert Arenas’ Twitter profile pictures in a folder on my computer desktop called “F—ed Up Gilbert Arenas Profile Pictures.” I was considering making this its own tumblr, but f—edupgilbertarenasprofilepictures.tumblr.com is a bit clunky, so here they are…
This is today’s profile picture:
This isn’t really a joke, as it is more of a command. A very confusing command. I can’t tell if he wants me to send him a Blackberry message if I’m feeling horny (exclamation point), or if he wants me to send Andre Designz dot com a Blackberry message when I’m feeling horny (exclamation point).
All we can say for certain is that Gilbert is very fond of his Blackberry. We know this because of another profile picture he used earlier this summer:
That’s a screengrab of his Blackberry contact list. It’s kind of sad that the one woman he respects isn’t the best at fellatio :’(
Clearly, Gilbert is a fan of technology and social media.
In case you didn’t understand, Google on your Facebook = cum on your face.
Bus on your face = cum on your face. DUDE LOVES CUMMING ON FACES!
Come on, relax. Gilbert is just playing around. Naked. He’s playing around like a little naked child.
Life is short. Play naked. Cum on your face.
Speaking of children, here’s a little girl learning her place in society…
… and a baby ordering tits off a menu:
Awwww, baby wants the big titty!
Oh, here’s what appears to be finger rape humor:
Maybe I’m reading too much into that. It’s hard to say if that’s really a depiction of finger rape, or just plain old assault with a deadly finger weapon. Whatever it is, hilarious!
This one was obviously in response to both the NBA players strike and the latest US jobs report:
Maybe he can get hired as a stunt man?
I don’t know if you’re picking up on a theme here, but Gilbert Arenas loves sex:
Particularly sex with prostitutes:
Also, dick jokes:
And pussy jokes:
One thing is very clear. Gilbert does NOT like girlfriends.
Oh, I’m sorry, did that offend you?
Maybe he should hint at having a mental illness? Would that make you feel better?
I guess what I’m saying is, you should follow Gilbert Arenas on Twitter. @agentzeroshow
Or don’t because he’s terrible. I don’t give a shit. I just felt weird having all these pictures on my computer. Now I can delete them.
(Cross-posted from JoeMande.com with permission.)