BALTIMORE — On a night when the NBA’s biggest stars showed their stuff on the court, one of the league’s biggest humans proved why he cannot do the same.

While Kevin Durant, LeBron James, Chris Paul, Carmelo Anthony and a host of other NBA players flew up and down the court, catching alley-oops from every angle, Eddy Curry, who was rumored to be playing in the hastily arranged exhibition, stayed where he is most comfortable: at the concession stand. His performance did not disappoint.

Though official totals are spotty due to the nature of summer league exhibitions, the generally held consensus is that Curry purchased six Snickers, four two-packs of Reese’s peanut butter cups, four bags of popcorn, two slices of pizza, a single package of apple-flavored Sour Punch straws and two 20-oz. Diet Cokes during the 48 minute game. By all accounts, it was a dominant display of calorie consumption.

“That’s just me doing me,” said Curry, who has reportedly lost nearly 50 pounds in an effort to earn another NBA contract. “I’ve been known to put away some food, and when you get in to an environment like this, you’ve got to prove you still got it. I was just having fun out there.”

Immediately following Curry’s binge, fans were buzzing that the former Bull, Knick and Timberwolf was already back in midseason form. 12-year-old Phillip Adler said, “I’ve never seen anybody eat like that. Not even when mom takes us to the candy shop and tells us to go crazy. I kind of got a little bit sick, actually.”

Curry didn’t.

“You know, it felt good to get out there and really get my eat on again. I’m back like I never missed a meal. This is my first time coming out and actually eating this summer, and it felt good. I’m not sure if Golden Corral is still open, but I’m about ready for dinner.”

Comments (10)

  1. The stat line was jokes. You should have added at least 3 Tacos. You should write a post about your reactions to Gilbert Arenas ripping you for no reason…that would have been cool. Or boring…really depends on your reaction.

    The fake quotes were horrendous. If you’re going to do fake quotes, do not make them mundane and boring. Even your 12 year-old fake quote was horrible and unnecessary.

    D+

  2. Dude are you serious? Lighten up a bit, okay the joke was a bit predictable but it didn’t make it less funny =p

  3. Nice work Trey.

  4. I love it man… too funny

  5. A win is a win. Eddy beat that concession stand. Do not diminish his victory.

    Jeff

  6. Joking aside, I thought Curry was supposed to play in the actual game? He’s not mentioned in any articles I’ve read and I can’t see him in (the background of) any highlight reels.

  7. Commenter JD says ” I laughed, I cried. Mostly I cried because this post reminded me of my candy-free childhood and that wasn’t funny, man. It wasn’t. Oh God, I’m gonna start blubbering again, someone call my Nana.”

  8. Curry didn’t show up apparently. It was a little disappointing as I was curious to see the newer svelte Eddy.

  9. way to go trey curry! now if Kassandra shows up to ask where trey “kirby” kerby got the quotes from i’m going to collapse laughing :D

  10. Im offended. Nuff said.

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