As you’ve probably heard, the NBA has cancelled the first two weeks of the regular season, losing exactly 100 games. If we assume that each game takes three hours, that’s 300 hours of time we have to find a way to kill. That’s 12-and-a-half days. It’s going to be tough.
But that’s why we’re here, to give you suggestions on how to pass the time during this dark period. What follows is a cross-country itinerary that’s going to allow you to have so much fun while still being totally sad. Let’s take a trip.
Date: November 1 — Chicago at Dallas
Replacement activity: Dallas Career Fair
Now that we know the first two weeks of the season have been cancelled, that also means we know there’s not going to be that much to write about. Ergo, there may be a litany of bloggers who are out of work as companies try to cut costs until these guys finally start playing. The Internet will never be the same.
As such, instead of watching a season kick-off game between the reigning NBA champion and the team that finished with the best record in the league, we should probably hit up the Dallas Career Fair at the Park Inn by Radisson. Billy Hunter will applaud our preparedness then try to get us to tweet about our struggles.
Date: November 2 — Miami at New York
Replacement activity: “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark”
Might as well enjoy the one thing that is more of a disaster than the labor negotiations while you still can.
Date: November 3 — Memphis at Utah
Replacement activity: Enjoy everything Utah has to offer
It’s a Thursday night in Utah’s largest city, so you’re going to be able to find so much to do. For instance, you could go to the Chipotle and get a burrito. It is open all the way till 10 o’clock, so live it up.
Date: November 4 — Los Angeles Lakers at Phoenix
Replacement activity: “Get Back: A Tribute to The Beatles”
A bunch of old dudes playing Beatles songs in a botanical gardens may not sound like your idea of replacement fun, but that is because you are stupid. The Beatles are great. Just ask Ferris Bueller.
The show’s sold out, but I’m guessing you’ll be able to scalp tickets at the gates. Well, not “gates” per se, but hedges that line the gardens and keep the varmints out.
(Note: “Get Back” is not a political stance about immigration by the botanical gardens. Probably.)
Date: November 5 — Golden State at Denver
Replacement activity: Denver Arts Week
Buy some arts, I guess.
Date: November 6 — Cleveland at Los Angeles Clippers
Replacement activity: Grab a shrimp burrito at Senor Fish
I know what you’re thinking — this is already my second burrito of the lockout and it is only the first week, can I maintain this blistering burrito pace? It’s a good question, but after you eat Senor Fish’s shrimp burrito with a little green sauce and an horchata, you probably won’t even want to eat other burritos. Just trust me on this one.
Date: November 7 — Milwaukee at New Jersey
Replacement activity: Find Jimmy Hoffa
It’s going to be a long while before there’s basketball again, so you might as well throw yourself in to a mission that’ll keep you occupied for quite some time. People have been looking for Hoffa since 1975, so this should keep you busy until the NBA agrees on a BRI split.
Also, maybe try to figure out what that smell is. New Jersey’s been trying to figure that out forever.
Date: November 8 — Houston at Indiana
Replacement activity: Jabberwocky
Hear some people tell stories about how they “have beaten the odds through hard work and fitness training to achieve their potential in such activities as dance, sports, martial arts, yoga and day-to-day living.” Sounds great.
Date: November 9 — Charlotte at Boston
Replacement activity: Set something on fire
On November 9, 1872, a fire tore through Boston, destroying hundreds of buildings and killing 14 people. I’m not suggesting you do this — lighting a candle would probably be fine — but it would at least be historical, which is like 95 percent of Boston’s charm.
Date: November 10 — San Antonio at Portland
Replacement activity: Hit the Nike employee store
I just had a chance to go through the Nike employee store last week. Two hours were scheduled and that seemed ridiculous because who needs two hours in a store devoted to one brand? That’s basically the maximum time you should spend in an entire mall, so that seemed excessive.
But no, it’s not. It’s a perfect amount of time. Once you get there, you’ll see.
Date: November 11 — Sacramento at Minnesota
Replacement activity: Party at Brad Miller’s house
Brad just shot a deer so he’s thinking of smoking some venison. It’ll probably be an all-day thing, so you’ll want to get there early. Bring your own spittoon.
Date: November 12 — Detroit at Portland
Replacement activity: Chill at Powell’s Books
Powell’s is the world’s largest independent used book store in the whole world ever. You can spend hours and hours and hours there. But if somehow you get bored, go across the street to Buffalo Exchange and find some hilarious Portland Trail Blazers gear.
Date: November 13 — Atlanta at Orlando
Replacement activity: Just relax
Take some time for yourself. Just live it up. This is you time.
No interruptions. No words. Just emotions. Drink it in.
Date: November 14 — Golden State at Dallas
Replacement activity: See The Misfits
Just make sure you bring some sort of padding to protect yourself from the crazies. Also bring face paint, but that’s a given.