Almost immediately after the season’s first two weeks were cancelled, the National Post’s Bruce Arthur offered an interesting proposition.
Now taking bets on who will be this lockout’s Shawn Kemp.
Basically, who’s getting fattest during the NBA’s downtime. It’s an important question, and if Arthur’s taking bets, we’ll offer odds.
Zach Randolph (2-1): The house favorite. Zach got his extension before the lockout, which gives him a headstart. Despite his good behavior in Memphis, I’m not so sure people are counting on Zach Randolph to stay in shape when he already got paid. One thing in his favor, however, is that he’s already kind of chubby. He can’t gain that much more weight, right?
Baron Davis (3-1): He has enough trouble staying in shape during a real season, plus the buttons on his flannel looked a little stretched out in the chestal region. Now that he’s playing for a terrible team and is “mentoring” the kid who is going to replace him, well, you do the math.
Hedo Turkoglu (7-2): Hedo played in this summer’s EuroBasket tournament, so he was playing throughout the summer. Good for him, but that ended about a month ago. By the time the season actually starts, he’ll have had months to do nothing but eat pizza and party. For a guy who’s prone to chillin’, that much time off could be Bad News Bears.
Raymond Felton (6-1): Kind of a dark horse candidate, but I think this is a good bet. He’s on his third team in a year, he’s got a stocky build and there is less to do in Portland than in New York. Unless Raymond’s an outdoorsman, he might get bored being away from a big city.
Mehmet Okur (10-1): He played 13 games last year, he’s a veteran on a team that’s going nowhere and he makes a ton of money. On the other hand, he did sign with a Turkish team, so maybe he’ll be in decent shape when the season rolls around. Could go either way.
Boris Diaw (12-1): Boris looked thick at EuroBasket and that was when he was playing every day on the reg. Now that he’s in chill mode, eating his cheeses and having his women, waistbands could get pretty big around here.
Brendan Haywood (15-1): He’s got a title, an injury and a long-running guaranteed contract that pays him way too much money. Recipe for di-fat-ster. (Cool pun.)
Aaron Gray (15-1): Just look at him.
Andray Blatche (20-1): These odds are too low, but he’s also already kind of Johnny Weightgain so there isn’t anywhere he can really go. Dude loves his Chipotle, but he’s also been doing that Andray Blatche thing where he seems really committed to trying hard this year. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and not be surprised if he gets super fat.
Luke Harangody (30-1): Could anyone even tell? Would anyone even care?
Glen Davis (50-1): You would think he would have better odds to get super huge, but he’s looked basically the same since he came in the league, and he’s pretty maxed out. Good bang for your buck though.
Dirk Nowitzki (100-1): This won’t happen because Dirk is a workout fanatic, but he does have a title and is getting older and it would be hilarious if he was fat. Like Fat Mac hilarious.’
Dwyane Wade (250-1): Chubby cheeks don’t count.
Kobe Bryant (1,000-1): The odds of Kobe coming in to a season in poor shape are hilariously low. Don’t make this bet.
Kevin Durant (1,000,000,000-1): Literally impossible.
Your bets and your additional odds are welcome in the comments.