Almost immediately after the season’s first two weeks were cancelled, the National Post’s Bruce Arthur offered an interesting proposition.

Now taking bets on who will be this lockout’s Shawn Kemp.

Basically, who’s getting fattest during the NBA’s downtime. It’s an important question, and if Arthur’s taking bets, we’ll offer odds.

Zach Randolph (2-1): The house favorite. Zach got his extension before the lockout, which gives him a headstart. Despite his good behavior in Memphis, I’m not so sure people are counting on Zach Randolph to stay in shape when he already got paid. One thing in his favor, however, is that he’s already kind of chubby. He can’t gain that much more weight, right?

Baron Davis (3-1): He has enough trouble staying in shape during a real season, plus the buttons on his flannel looked a little stretched out in the chestal region. Now that he’s playing for a terrible team and is “mentoring” the kid who is going to replace him, well, you do the math.

Hedo Turkoglu (7-2): Hedo played in this summer’s EuroBasket tournament, so he was playing throughout the summer. Good for him, but that ended about a month ago. By the time the season actually starts, he’ll have had months to do nothing but eat pizza and party. For a guy who’s prone to chillin’, that much time off could be Bad News Bears.

Raymond Felton (6-1): Kind of a dark horse candidate, but I think this is a good bet. He’s on his third team in a year, he’s got a stocky build and there is less to do in Portland than in New York. Unless Raymond’s an outdoorsman, he might get bored being away from a big city.

Mehmet Okur (10-1): He played 13 games last year, he’s a veteran on a team that’s going nowhere and he makes a ton of money. On the other hand, he did sign with a Turkish team, so maybe he’ll be in decent shape when the season rolls around. Could go either way.

Boris Diaw (12-1): Boris looked thick at EuroBasket and that was when he was playing every day on the reg. Now that he’s in chill mode, eating his cheeses and having his women, waistbands could get pretty big around here.

Brendan Haywood (15-1): He’s got a title, an injury and a long-running guaranteed contract that pays him way too much money. Recipe for di-fat-ster. (Cool pun.)

Aaron Gray (15-1): Just look at him.

Andray Blatche (20-1): These odds are too low, but he’s also already kind of Johnny Weightgain so there isn’t anywhere he can really go. Dude loves his Chipotle, but he’s also been doing that Andray Blatche thing where he seems really committed to trying hard this year. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and not be surprised if he gets super fat.

Luke Harangody (30-1): Could anyone even tell? Would anyone even care?

Glen Davis (50-1): You would think he would have better odds to get super huge, but he’s looked basically the same since he came in the league, and he’s pretty maxed out. Good bang for your buck though.

Dirk Nowitzki (100-1): This won’t happen because Dirk is a workout fanatic, but he does have a title and is getting older and it would be hilarious if he was fat. Like Fat Mac hilarious.’

Dwyane Wade (250-1): Chubby cheeks don’t count.

Kobe Bryant (1,000-1): The odds of Kobe coming in to a season in poor shape are hilariously low. Don’t make this bet.

Kevin Durant (1,000,000,000-1): Literally impossible.

Your bets and your additional odds are welcome in the comments.

Comments (34)

  1. Demarcus Cousins should be 3/2. how is he NOT on this list.

  2. I wish I had thought of this idea! I love this article. Calling your own pun cool is a little gauche, but I give you a pass.

  3. DeMarcus looked good this summer. He was certainly considered.

  4. I think ‘Boobies’ Diaw should be higher in this rank: being Kinder an sponsor of the French national team doesn’t help, either…

  5. DeJuan Blair (4-1): The depression of losing buddy George Hill AND the re-introduction of four specialty burgers at DeJuan’s favorite place in San Antonio (Whataburger) mean he’s back on the wagon.

  6. Gilbert Arenas is either coming back supersize or in All-Star shape. He’d could probably get more ‘gil being gil’ out of supersize. (5-1)

  7. Drew Gooden’s new job has unlimited access to chicken wings. He could be Barkley-sized by Halloween.

  8. My bet is on Marvin Williams

  9. What about Dwight Howard?

  10. Is Eddy Curry just off the board?

  11. I totally tweeted about this in September! Great minds…!/jlnel1/status/116623679378567169

  12. lol at ‘chestal’

  13. Um, Bargnani anyone?

  14. Deron Williams!

  15. so many good candidate and only one prize?
    I offer you the 2nd place trophy name – Big Country – during the last lock out his pickup developed a serious list
    I’ll go small this time around with Felton , B. Davis one two.

  16. Baron Davis is done for.

  17. How ’bout Dejuan Blair?

  18. lol @ Aaron Gray and Luke Harangody.

    I would put 100 on Glen Davis if casinos were offering these bets. I hate that fat shit and he’s destined to be even fatter.

  19. i doubt that blair is gonna get fat, hes playing in russia during the lockout

  20. hmmm. hard to say.. maybe Kwame Brown? Eddie Curry? umm Andrea… i think it will be the guy from the Bucks, his name escapes me (knee injuiry, shooter) help?

  21. Pretty sure Eddy Curry is still in the league or tryin out for the Heat.
    His odds would be 1:10000000

    That, gentlemen, is what is known as a sure thing….Wrap

  22. It has got to be Hedo.

  23. I think there should be odds on Melo and D-will. But i’m taking Felton.

  24. tas melas, even before the camera adds the 10 pounds

  25. David Lee probably won’t win but he has a fairly comforting contract and played as if he didn’t care last season – and to a lesser extend Boozer.
    @Andre You’re talking about Michael Redd but I doubt it since this is seems to be his only chance to get back into the league as a free agent (Chicago anyone?) and he probably knows this; also he always looked rather slender to me.

  26. @Andre
    You’re probably thinking of Michael Redd, although injured Bucks player could be a lot of people

  27. “I don’t do anything off the court. I just stay in bed, stay on the couch, play with my daughter when I’m home and get as much rest as I can.”
    -Brad Miller

    You guys missed one.

  28. Dwight Howard is second to last, behind only Kevin Durant.

    I bet you a beer that DeMarcus Cousins loses weight this off-season

    Lebron James Josh Smith, Vince Carter, Ron Artest are all good bets

  29. Where’s Carmelo Anthony??? Look at his face and body… very round and bloated.. hahahaha!

    You can probably tell what the article is about by just looking at the url, Darko is sitting in a boat, knocking back six packs. I can see why you didn’t put him on this list though, it’s a sucker bet

  31. @Ian and @ Martin

    Your right, Michael redd is who i was talking about. Last time i saw him play he couldnt run down the court (reminded me of Baron davis)

    Thanks guys

  32. Z-Bo has been on his best behavior in Memphis, which I can’t make sense of of. Only a month ago in Portland he got hammered on a boat, invited a drug dealer to his house to sell the Hoop Family drugs, then beat the piss out of the drug dealer, robbed him, and stole his drugs.

    I guess he is just too scared to do dirt in Memphis where drug dealing NBAers end up dead in the woods.

  33. The fat dude for San Antonio from Pitt is at the top of my list. He somehow, two years in a row, has managed to put on weigh during the season. By the playoffs last year he could barely make it up and down the court.

  34. I saw big baby at the park a yr ago, he jumped into a pickup game, not on the A court, but on the B court with asian grad students, took off his shirt, and played shirtless in jeans. He was not as fat as I thought he’d be, he is not ripped, but his frame, particularly lower body and hips are not fat guy hips. He is slim down there, defeating my premise that he would have made an incredible tackle in football. My point, I think his body is maxed out.

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