After 15 years of Comcast ownership, the Philadelphia 76ers were sold to a group headed by a bunch of rich business executives. On the face of it, this is boring news. But here’s the thing — two of the minority owners are Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith. Yes, that Will Smith. That’s what makes this great news.

Now that Will Smith is a part owner of an NBA team, he can start making changes to make the Sixers way more exciting. Through trickery, we got our hands on a short list of improvements that Big Willie Style will be instituting to make Philadelphia a prime destination for talented basketball players.

The list includes, but is not limited to, the following:

  • Pregame b-ball shootarounds will be moved from playgrounds outside of the school to the Sixers’ practice facility to increase safety.
  • Victory ciga-cigars from Cuba-Cuba (lighting optional, biting required).
  • State-of-the-art circuit training so that all players’ cardio will be infinite.
  • On road trips to Los Angeles, players’ families will get floor seats at the Lakers.
  • Muhammad Ali hired as inspirational speaker who tells the team that they are the greatest.
  • Unlimited access to Smith’s yacht in the West Keys and jet-skis during visits to Miami.
  • All two-day Miami road trips now lengthened to a few days of playing.
  • Hundred thousand dollar cars, everybody gets ‘em.
  • Free matchmaking services for all single 76ers (dance lessons included).
  • New matching traveling outfits for the team — custom-tailored black suits with black Ray-Bans.
  • Sixers to move from Eastern Conference straight to the Wild Wild Western Conference.

As you can see, Will Smith’s ownership stint is going to be great. He is truly on the pursuit of happyness, where happyness is an NBA title.

Comments (4)

  1. Muhammad Ali hired as inspirational speaker who tells the team that they are the greatest.

    is golden, the other ones listed just kind of made me blow air out of my nose.
    I don’t have much respect for will musically but if can can incorporate some next level I-Robot shit or have an Alien mascot for all the alien movies smith has done. what the fuck is a 76er anyways? Isn’t there mascot a rabbit?
    Will Smith needs to redefine this team. To me they’re just the team Iverson & Dr.J played for. I doubt him and the wife would have any pull in the marketing division of the franchise.

  2. No Wicked Wisdom halftime shows?

  3. @Solomon
    Nice culture. You’re bad at grammar (there mascot), NBA history (Moses Malone, Wilt, Cunningham, Greer, Cheeks, etc.) and US general culture (I-76 is the road that’s going thru Philly, ergo, a 76er is a Philadelphia inhabitant).
    Their mascot IS a rabbit, and maybe the most terrible in the league.
    I’d love if Will could make a few changes to that franchise ‘tho, and not all of Trey’s wacky propositions are that wacky in the Big-Willie-scope imo. He has to make that franchise more fun. No one wants to play for the 76ers right now.

  4. Yeaaa pretty sure the 76ers were maybe perhaps named after something (minor? not sure) that occurred in the year 1776. Not sure but it’s a wild guess, maybe I’m dumb.

    Surprised no one else has the same crazy thought process.

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