ESPN Magazine has a great piece on Kevin Durant today. It’s all about how he just loves playing basketball, is a very humble dude and is the nicest guy you could ever meet. If you liked Kevin Durant before you read this, you’ll love him. If you loved him, you’ll love him even more.

But if you didn’t like him before this because people can’t stop gushing about him, this won’t change your mind. Because, in this piece, there’s a list of “things you probably don’t know about Kevin Durant.” Because you guys are basketball fiends, you probably actually know a great number of these. To keep you honest, I’ve added a single Kevin Durant factoid that is nearly indistinguishable from Allison Glock’s list.

  • He has never been in love.
  • He has a music production studio in his house.
  • He raps.
  • His back tattoo took eight hours and it isn’t finished.
  • He says his inner voice is “just a buzzing noise.”
  • He used to sleep in church.
  • He has no regrets. Not even missing the prom.
  • The whole time he was at school, he went to one party.
  • If he had 48 hours to live, he’d spend them in the gym with his family.
  • The last time he cried was when the Lakers beat the Thunder in the 2010 playoffs.
  • The first time someone wanted a picture of him, he asked them “Why?” Even though he was one of the most highly-touted recruits in the nation.
  • He has retractable wings and a halo.

Can you tell which one is fake? Spoiler alert: It is the last one. Fits in pretty well though, don’t you think?

You couldn’t dream up a more perfect basketball superstar than Kevin Durant. It’s like he was sent from a basketball spokesman manufacturing plant where the dials were turned all the way up for Basketball Skill and Nice Guy Image, then the specimen was blasted with an ultra-concentrated dose of Humility Radiation.

Comments (6)

  1. Kevin is just awesome! how could anyone not like him?

  2. I don’t like how he tries to shove his religion down everybody’s throats, but he is the best scorer in the league right now.

  3. Um, an 8 hour back tattoo is pretty insignificant.

  4. @Liam

    Tries to shove his religion? I’ve never even heard such a thing and I’ve read a ton of stuff on him. Did he ask you or anyone to join him in his beliefs? I don’t think so. If he being a spiritual/religious person bothers you, it’s your freaking problem, not his.

  5. @Liam: um, nope

  6. Ugh – I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Can we please stop with the Durant bullshit? He’s fine, but get real.

    Nothing on that list is evidence that he is a decent or humble human being. And “he has never been in love” = he just fucks girls.

    OK, I feel stupid. I failed to see the irony at first. That’s on me. This article is tongue and cheek. This is a comedy site and I lost sight of that.

    Btw, fun fact;

    http://www.metacritic.com/feature/worst-film-directors-since-2000?tag=supplementary-nav;article;2

    See #6

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