David Stern

With the announcement of their 2011-12 schedule, the NBA released a letter from commissioner David Stern that aims to win back support from disgruntled fans. It’s a perfunctory public relations move, but nothing Stern says should ever be taken at face value. There’s a hidden message or motivation in every Stern missive. Lucky for you, I have a B.S. in Subliminal Messaging from DeVry Institute of Technology, so I was quickly able to parse his intended message and translate his hidden feelings to you. You’re welcome.

“On behalf of the entire NBA family, I want to thank you for your patience and support over the past several months.”

(You should really be thanking us for enduring months of complaints from these self-entitled players. The real reason Dwyane Wade got so angry with me was that he could only afford to have an orgy every other week.)

“The new collective bargaining agreement is designed to provide more competitive balance for our league, reward strong performances by our players, and strengthen our game by improving its economics.”

(I’m counting on the fact that you’ll forget about the “competitive balance” part when Chris Paul is a Knick and Dwight Howard is a Laker in a few months.)

“We believe this agreement will benefit our teams, players, and most importantly, fans by making the NBA stronger.”

(This sentence had to be in writing because even I couldn’t say this with a straight face.)

“In the days and weeks ahead, all of us hope you will enjoy the run-up to the start of the season: free agency, training camp, and preseason games.”

(Don’t blink or you’ll miss ‘em.)

“Each NBA team will be hosting special events for fans, so be sure to check your favorite team’s website, Facebook page, or Twitter feed for details.”

(I can’t wait until I retire so I don’t have to pretend to care about this Twitterface bullshit.)

“This season we look forward to bringing you more of everything you love about NBA basketball: incredible competition, tremendous excitement, and unending hard work and dedication by the world’s best athletes.”

(Replace “world’s best athletes” with “Kobe Bryant” and this statement takes on an air of truthiness.)

“Thank you for being an NBA fan.  I hope you enjoy the season, which promises to be a most exciting one.”

(There is only one true promise I will ever make, and that’s the one I make into my mirror every morning: “The only person who will end my reign is me. Haters, leave it alone. Don’t throw rocks at the throne.”)