At this point, after at least three failed trades, it seems like there won’t ever be a Chris Paul trade that is good enough for the NBA. With that in mind, let’s take a look at how each of the league’s 30 teams can not have Chris Paul play for them this season.
Atlanta Hawks: Draft Marvin “Marvdawg” Williams in 2005.
Boston Celtics: Float the idea of a Rajon Rondo and Jeff Green trade — even though no one is totally convinced that Rondo can do what he does when not surrounded by Hall of Famers — thus ensuring Rondo will take things the wrong way, get angry about it and refuse to shoot for the entire season.
Charlotte Bobcats: Have Michael Jordan try to convince David Stern to take Boris Diaw and DJ Augustin for Chris Paul because Stern owes MJ one for all that “making the NBA awesome” in the 1990s.
Chicago Bulls: Continue to employ Derrick Rose as the team’s point guard.
Cleveland Cavaliers: Allow all the other teams to try to trade for Chris Paul, and when they do, write a hilarious email about it, thus ensuring he’d never want to come to your team anyway.
Dallas Mavericks: Don’t really even worry about it. Instead, trade for the players who get sad about being included in trade talks.
Denver Nuggets: Remember what happened last season and steer clear of the whole situation.
Detroit Pistons: Offer Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva for Chris Paul and be totally shocked when the NBA says no. These guys were huge free agency signings just two summers ago, geez.
Golden State Warriors: Seem like you’re in the talks, but don’t really be in the talks. Downgrade from Chris Paul to DeAndre Jordan to Kwame Brown.
Houston Rockets: Rather than trade for Paul, help facilitate the trade. Watch as the trade is blocked by the NBA.
Indiana Pacers: Trade for his former backup, sign his pick-and-roll partner and try to make it seem like he already plays there so fans are none the wiser.
Los Angeles Clippers: Offer a former All-Star with an expiring contract, a solid young point guard, a lottery pick from last season and an unprotected first-round pick. Be told that’s not enough by the NBA.
Los Angeles Lakers: Complete a trade for Chris Paul. Have it blocked by the NBA.
Memphis Grizzlies: Pay your own guys what they’re worth for once.
Miami Heat: Use 80 percent of your cap space on three guys who are current All-Stars, which is a pretty good plan.
Milwaukee Bucks: Be located in Milwaukee.
Minnesota Timberwolves: Try to trade for him since he is a point guard, after all. When your package of several small forwards is rejected, just sign another point guard.
New Jersey Nets: Make a move for his nemesis the previous season.
New Orleans Hornets: Try to trade him to every other team in the league, thus alienating him in the final season of his contract, guaranteeing he’ll leave when the year is complete. Nailed it.
New York Knicks: Forget about Chris Paul saying he wanted to be a Knick while making a toast at your star player’s wedding. Sign Tyson Chandler to a huge contract instead.
Oklahoma City Thunder: Refuse his services since he punched Julius Hodge in the nuts that one time, which is very NOT Thunder.
Orlando Magic: Offer Dwight Howard straight up for Chris Paul, just to mess with everybody.
Philadelphia 76ers: Don’t trade for him because he’ll just end up leaving for California after he gets beat up while shooting around anyway.
Phoenix Suns: Keep riding the Steve Nash train until those wheels fall off.
Portland Trail Blazers: Study his medical charts, look at his prior knee problems and just decide to pass.
Sacramento Kings: Watch game tape and decide that Paul’s pass-first ways aren’t what you’re looking for in a point guard.
San Antonio Spurs: Pass on him since he wasn’t a second-round draft pick.
Toronto Raptors: Leave him off the radar since he’s not an international player.
Utah Jazz: Spend the past seven seasons telling everyone that Deron Williams is better.
Washington Wizards: Draft John Wall the previous season.