Yesterday was the Mavs’ big visit to the White House, which seems like a grand ol’ time, even if Mark Cuban had to finance the trip himself. Jokes were told, laughs were had and everything went according to plan.
Except for Ian Mahinmi getting in to the whole celebration. As the Dallas Morning News reported, the French center was briefly detained upon arrival. And while the cover story for Manhimi’s delay was “incorrect birthday on identification,” I think we’ve all seen enough movies to know that something bigger is at foot here.
Here are the most plausible conspiracy theories:
- As Mavericks athletic trainer Casey Smith said, “They saw what he was wearing and assumed it was a disguise.” This seems legit to me, because why would someone wear a bowtie and huge glasses unless they were trying to impersonate Henry Kissinger to gain valuable state secrets? Exactly.
- Since “Mission: Impossible — Ghost Protocol” was the No. 1 movie in America in its opening weekend, White House officials needed to make sure that Ian Mahinmi wasn’t wearing a hyper realistic mask that is an eerie combination of Michael Finley and Shawn Kemp. Once they were sure it was his face, he was OK to bro down with Barack Obama.
- Still kinda worried about the French, to be honest.
- After convincing Ian Mahinmi to leave his secluded home in France, shady Washington operatives consulted the 6-foot-11 big man on the best way to trade a French center for Tyson Chandler. However, Mahinmi soon realized that he was the one being traded and went on the run to clear his name. He was only allowed in the White House after eluding the Secret Service for several days. Once they correctly identified him, he was allowed to demonstrate that it couldn’t have been him that was to be traded and that it was really Alexis Ajinca back in 2010.
- Had to make sure he wasn’t a mutant trying to assassinate the president.
- Kind of worried he was Wesley Snipes and was investigating a murder that involved the president, war with North Korea and the demolition of Mahinmi’s building to make room for a parking lot. Once they realized he wasn’t Wesley Snipes, all was good.
- He was the one standing behind Obama the whole time, so they had to be extra sure he was chill.
- Fearing that Mahinmi was an operative of the ARIIA system, Secret Service agents interrogate the Dallas center for clues that he is or isn’t being controlled by a computer. Once they realized he only had 6,000 Twitter followers, they let him in.
- The skin checks for Manchurian Global implants on Mahinmi’s back took a long time because he’s so tall.
The United States government has to be prepared for everything. And, as you can tell, all of these scenarios could very easily be true. In fact, I’d be willing to guess there are a few more that you guys could elaborate upon in the comments. Give it a shot.