I’m not a car guy. The best thing I’ve ever driven — aside from my grandma’s Cadillac once — is a used Chevy TrailBlazer which I wrecked while driving to a basketball game my wife was coaching. When it comes to vehicles, the best thing I can offer you is “That looks cool” or “That’s a weird-looking car.” That’s the extent of my car knowledge.

But when it comes to Zach Randolph’s cars, I can confidently state, “That looks cool and also very funny.”

In a late summer Rides magazine profile of Randolph’s fleet, he goes on and on about his donks. Chromed-out everything, stupid-loud sound systems that give you a headache just looking at them and custom Z-Bo detailing — they’re the perfect Zach Randolph cars. Giant cars for a giant man, all falling somewhere between hilarious and amazing thanks to a number of mind-blowingly expensive upgrades.

The profile is a pretty fun read, even if you’re not in to cars. It’s worth it to hear Randolph talk about learning about donks from Darius Miles — who befuddled Nate McMillan with this jacked-up hi-riser — and for the quote, “Honestly, I’d rather have somebody drive my Phantom or Maybach than my Chevy.” Basically, Zach Randolph’s custom cars — of which he owns six — cost more than two of the most expensive rides on the planet, which he also owns for good measure. This is like a prequel to one of those “Such and such player spent all his NBA money” posts, but let’s enjoy it for now.

As Rides proclaims, Zach Randolph is the undisputed king of NBA donks. That is a weird title to hold, but congratulations. More cars after the jump.

(via Russ Bengtson)