Last night, Kobe Bryant debuted a Crazy 88s mask during the first half of the Lakers’ game against the Pistons. Even though it looked mad superhero-ish, Kobe switched back to his standard clear Schnozeroo for the second half because he didn’t like the fit of his black facer. From the AP:

“The mask we tried tonight didn’t work,” he said. “It just slid all over the place.”

Fair enough. That’s a fine reason to switch. However, I’d like to offer these mask ideas, which I guarantee will work.

The Loki
Pros: Turning in to an egomaniacal creep who thinks they deserve everything in the world wouldn’t change Kobe at all
Cons: Sweating in to wood leads to mildew, which attracts Chris Kamans and Paul Pierces

The Goalie
Pros: Very protective, very customizable, very breathable
Cons: Unwieldy, might remind people of Hannibal Lecter which isn’t good for the brand

The Phantom of the Opera
Pros: Looks awesome, extremely classy
Cons: Only covers half the face, ceramic is heavy and breakable

The Kane
Pros: Fireproof, looks great with long, greasy hair
Cons: Requires the creation of a convoluted backstory that doesn’t make sense if you really think about it, might lead wearer to try to set their brother on fire

The Jigsaw
Pros: Full face protection, scares children
Cons: Wearer must agree to continue wearing mask until long after it is needed

The Slipknot
Pros: Ensures face safety
Cons: Only appealing to angry Midwestern teenagers, not breathable, pretty much everything

The V
Pros: Takes care of the fake smiling so Kobe doesn’t have to worry about it
Cons: Ironic mustaches are the worst

The Luchador
Pros: Light, very customizable
Cons: Once it goes on it can never be taken off

The Chris Canty
Pros: Looks amazing, defenders can’t read your eyes, extreme face protection
Cons: None

As you can see, all of these masks would be perfect substitutes for what Kobe is wearing now. I look forward to him taking these suggestions to heart and busting out something great for tonight’s game against the Wizards.