Last night, Kobe Bryant debuted a Crazy 88s mask during the first half of the Lakers’ game against the Pistons. Even though it looked mad superhero-ish, Kobe switched back to his standard clear Schnozeroo for the second half because he didn’t like the fit of his black facer. From the AP:

“The mask we tried tonight didn’t work,” he said. “It just slid all over the place.”

Fair enough. That’s a fine reason to switch. However, I’d like to offer these mask ideas, which I guarantee will work.

The Loki
Pros: Turning in to an egomaniacal creep who thinks they deserve everything in the world wouldn’t change Kobe at all
Cons: Sweating in to wood leads to mildew, which attracts Chris Kamans and Paul Pierces

The Goalie
Pros: Very protective, very customizable, very breathable
Cons: Unwieldy, might remind people of Hannibal Lecter which isn’t good for the brand

The Phantom of the Opera
Pros: Looks awesome, extremely classy
Cons: Only covers half the face, ceramic is heavy and breakable

The Kane
Pros: Fireproof, looks great with long, greasy hair
Cons: Requires the creation of a convoluted backstory that doesn’t make sense if you really think about it, might lead wearer to try to set their brother on fire

The Jigsaw
Pros: Full face protection, scares children
Cons: Wearer must agree to continue wearing mask until long after it is needed

The Slipknot
Pros: Ensures face safety
Cons: Only appealing to angry Midwestern teenagers, not breathable, pretty much everything

The V
Pros: Takes care of the fake smiling so Kobe doesn’t have to worry about it
Cons: Ironic mustaches are the worst

The Luchador
Pros: Light, very customizable
Cons: Once it goes on it can never be taken off

The Chris Canty
Pros: Looks amazing, defenders can’t read your eyes, extreme face protection
Cons: None

As you can see, all of these masks would be perfect substitutes for what Kobe is wearing now. I look forward to him taking these suggestions to heart and busting out something great for tonight’s game against the Wizards.

Comments (13)

  1. The Slipnot looks like Pinhead

  2. He should just paint his face like Insane Clown Posse, no one would wanna mess with him. On the plus side, there’d be more Juggalos at games

  3. No “The Three Ninjas” reference!? For shame, Taco, for shame. Personally, I like Tum Tum’s mask best.

  4. The daft punk helmet would be dope


    The MF KOBE

    Pros: Indestructible
    Cons: Could suffer scratches from sharp metal.

    • “My servants began to forge what was to become,
      the most dreaded costume on the face of the Earth!

      The last thing to fit was the mask …
      When it conformed to my twisted features in comfort.”

  6. I LOL’d at the picture with the “Jigsaw” mask.. almost had me on the floor. I had an idea for a “Masked Mamba” t-shirt, and I put it on my site, I would love for you guys to check it and tell me what you think about it. Thanks.

  7. Am I the only one that thinks the V for Vendetta mask looks just like J.R. Smith?

  8. Majora’s Mask please. The mask gives the user ridiculous amounts of power and is evil so it seems truly fitting for Kobe.

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