If we have learned anything from this abbreviated season, it’s that the quickest way to basketball immortality is sleeping on a teammate’s couch. Sure, you could practice as hard as possible, be born with natural talent or end up in the perfect situation, but the most effective path to domination is crashing at your buddy’s while you find a place to live. It has a 100 percent success rate, which is both statistically relevant and a large enough sample size that I feel safe basing these conclusions upon. Jeremy Lin is the test case and the supporting data. Sleeping on your friend’s couch works. There’s no debate.
That is why the Spurs’ signing of Boris Diaw is so brilliant. From RMC Sport:
I’m sleeping on Tony’s couch for the moment. Like Jeremy Lin! (laughs). We made a deal: I can sleep at his house but I have to pay for all of our meals.
This is genius for so many reasons. First, obviously, is that sleeping on Tony Parker’s couch will reinvigorate Boris Diaw, take him back to his 2005-06 peak and probably give him special powers. That’s a for sure thing that is going to happen, no doubt about it, just because he is on a couch. Pretty soon he’ll be on Sports Illustrated two straight weeks and we will all get Boris Diaw tattoos that take up our entire backs. Also, #Diawmentia will be a thing. It’s on.
But the other smart thing about this is Tony Parker’s business savvy. Rather than letting Diaw pay rent and eat whatever he wants, he’ll be making out like a bandit if he lets Boris handle all the food stuff. Do you realize how much Boris Diaw has to spend on food in a month? It has to be insane. Way more than Tony could realistically charge his best friend to live at his house. When even Gregg Popovich is saying you’re always out of shape, you know Boris’ food game is on point. Tony Parker made a really smooth move here. Vintage Spurs, finding value in unexpected places.
The one problem, of course, is that Boris’ bad habits will rub off on Tony, which will derail his amazing season. If Tony can find a way to turn down the boxes of eclairs that Boris has delivered every morning, then the Spurs are sitting pretty. Thanks to the magic of sleeping on a couch, the Spurs have added an All-Star caliber big man. Championship, here they come.