Since that is probably the greatest headline you are going to read today — mostly because this one happened last week — let’s just get straight to things and let Nets owner Mikhail Prokhorov wow you with some very Russian billionaire-y quotage. From the New York Daily News:

Thoughts on keeping Deron Williams? Excuse me, I didn’t catch the question. … Is it no NBA rules that prohibit to comment on the potential interest. So please wait until the summer. I’ll tell you all the details. For the time being, it’s top secret for us. [...]

It’s not against rules to discuss D-Will, because he’s under contract w/ your team. So I was wondering if you could elaborate on any convos you may have had with him, and whether or not you believe he’ll be perceptive to your powers of persuasion? I missed the name of the player.

Deron Williams? OK. [laughs] We met yesterday, we have I think a very good discussion. He really wants to win, and I want to win maybe even more. And we have just — and really, I won’t go into details, but I think this stage we are on the same page.

How confident are you that you can keep Deron and sign him to a max extension? I think he wants to win and he wants to be part of a great franchise, so we have the same view of this, and I can’t comment more. Just, it’s better to ask him what was the rest of our conversation. I mean what I’ve already mentioned. [...]

About Deron Williams, are you worried about Mark Cuban? Let the best man win. If he wins, I’ll crush him in the kickboxing throwdown.

Is this or is this not the greatest free agent recruiting pitch of all-time? You can keep Daryl Morey and his iPads, Dan Gilbert and his cartoons and nonsense like that. I will gladly take a Russian billionaire acting completely like a Russian billionaire. “We have some ideas, plus I can beat up anyone,” is basically the entire pitch. It’s a sure-fire thing.

The best part, obviously, is that we all know Deron Williams wants to leave the Nets. Therefore, henceforth and ipso facto, Mikhail Prokhorov and Mark Cuban are kickboxing each other this summer. Since his demise has already been guaranteed, he might as well just broadcast it on HDNet to make some cash. I don’t know about you guys, but I’ll subscribe just to be able to watch this happen.