2012 NBA literal mock draft

As you know by now, the NBA completely and totally rigged the draft lottery last night. No one knows how it was done or why the league would gift a bad team in a tiny media market with a transcendent talent who will look hilarious in the team’s cartoonish uniforms, but it is definitely fixed, for sure.

Nonetheless, the draft order is now set, which means mock draft season has officially opened. Ergo, you need to be prepared, because come June 28, there are going to be 60 brand new NBA players to insult. So using Draft Express’ preliminary mock draft, let’s take a look at some potential heckles for these future NBAers.

1. New Orleans Hornets – Anthony Davis: PF, 19, 6-10, 220, Kentucky, Fresh.

“You look like a combination of Bert and Ernie.”

2. Charlotte Bobcats – Thomas Robinson: PF, 21, 6-9, 240, Kansas, Junior

“Say hi to Wayne Simien for me.”

3. Washington Wizards – Michael Kidd-Gilchrist: SF: 18, 6-7, 228, Kentucky, Fresh.

“I’d prefer a Michael Adult-Gilchrist with the third pick.”

4. Cleveland Cavaliers – Bradley Beal: SG, 18, 6-4, 201, Florida, Fresh

“Calista Flockhart was a terrible actress.”

5. Sacramento Kings – Andre Drummond: C, 18, 6-10, 251, Connecticut, Fresh.

“I didn’t like Hasheem Thabeet the first time around.”

6. Portland Trail Blazers (via Brooklyn) – Jared Sullinger: PF/C, 20, 6-9, 280, Ohio State, Soph.

“280? Yeah, in your bra.”

7. Golden State Warriors – Harrison Barnes: SF, 19, 6-8, 223, North Carolina, Soph.

“The ‘Black Falcon’ sounds like a made up superhero from a ‘Saturday Night Live’ blaxploitation spoof. So basically, great nickname (eyeroll).”

8. Toronto Raptors – Jeremy Lamb: SG, 19, 6-5, 185, Connecticut, Soph.

“Wake up already.”

9. Detroit Pistons – John Henson: PF, 21, 6-11, 220, North Carolina, Junior

“‘Muppet Babies’ was a joke. Your dad is just a cut-rate George Lucas.”

10. New Orleans Hornets (via Minnesota) – Damian Lillard: PG, 21, 6-2, 185, Weber State, Junior

“Weber isn’t a state.”

11. Portland Trail Blazers – Kendall Marshall, PG, 20, 6-4, 180, North Carolina, Soph.

“Have you ever considered not having two last names?”

12. Milwaukee Bucks – Perry Jones: PF, 20, 6-11, 220, Baylor, Soph.

“No one was even that sad when you decided to go back to school.”

13. Phoenix Suns – Austin Rivers: SG, 19, 6-4, 203, Duke, Fresh.

“Cake eater.”

14. Houston Rockets – Tyler Zeller: C, 22, 7-0, 250, North Carolina, Senior

“You’re not the good one, are you?”

15. Philadelphia 76ers – Terrence Jones: PF, 20, 6-9, 249, Kentucky, Soph.

“Go ahead and name the last successful NBA Terrence. Still waiting.”

16. Houston Rockets (via New York) – Terrence Ross: SG/SF, 21, 6-7, 197, Washington, Soph.

“You’re not even the best Terrence in this draft.”

17. Dallas Mavericks – Dion Waiters: SG, 20, 6-4, 210, Syracuse, Soph.

“Your NBA comparable is DeShawn Stevenson.”

18. Minnesota Timberwolves (via Utah) – Quincy Miller: SF, 19, 6-9, 200, Baylor, Fresh.

“Hahaha. Quincy.”

19. Orlando Magic – Moe Harkless: SF, 19, 6-8, 208, St. John’s, Fresh.

“Anybody seen this guy’s Hark? Probably not.”

20. Denver Nuggets – Marquis Teague: PG, 19, 6-2, 179, Kentucky, Fresh.

“How come you look five years older than your brother when you’re really five years younger?”

21. Boston Celtics – Meyers Leonard: C, 20, 7-0, 240, Illinois, Soph.

“Aren’t you an accountant?”

22. Boston Celtics (via LA Clippers) – Evan Fournier: SG/SF, 19, 6-7, 206, Poitiers, International

“Oh hi, French Skeets.”

23. Atlanta Hawks – Arnett Moultrie: PF/C, 21, 6-11, 220, Mississippi St., Junior

“I’ve never even heard of you.”

24. Cleveland Cavaliers (via LA Lakers) – Fab Melo: C, 21, 7-0, 250, Syracuse, Soph.

“One Melo is enough, thanks.”

25. Memphis Grizzlies – Tony Wroten: PG/SG, 19, 6-5, 180, Washington, Fresh.

“Wrong verb tense.”

26. Indiana Pacers – Jeff Taylor: SF, 23, 6-7, 226, Vanderbilt, Senior

“Call me when Vanderbilt isn’t a Michael Jordan insult.”

27. Miami Heat – Tyshawn Taylor: PG, 22, 6-3, 180, Kansas, Senior

“You were still in college?”

28. Oklahoma City Thunder – Royce White: PF, 21, 6-8, 270, Iowa State, Soph.

“Aren’t you a Thunder blogger?”

29. Chicago Bulls – Orlando Johnson: SG, 23, 6-5, 205, UC Santa Barbara, Senior

“Because Orlando Woolridge worked out so well.”

30. Golden State Warriors (via San Antonio) – Andrew Nicholson: PF/C, 22, 6-9, 220, St. Bonaventure, Senior

“You’re no Bob Lanier.”