A completely satirical and wholly imagined and therefore non-litigation baiting fantasy by lifelong New York Knicks fan Chris Gethard.

INT. PENTHOUSE – MORNING

We close up on CHRIS GETHARD, 32, a physically weak man of ginger complexion, as he opens his eyes and yawns. He stretches and slides ever so gently across the silver silk sheets that cover the enormous waterbed he’s been sleeping in. Chris is naked — when he realizes this is the case, he grabs the top sheet, which features a picture of Isiah Thomas riding a tiger who has Paul Wall-style platinum grill fangs instead of regular tiger fangs, and covers his naughty parts.

He looks across the room and we see that the penthouse he’s in is the entire top floor of a New York City skyscraper. There are floor to ceiling windows wrapping around the entire room. Standing across from the bed with his back to Chris is NEW YORK KNICKS OWNER JAMES DOLAN, 56, wearing a red silk robe emblazoned with a golden dragon. Dolan is facing outwards, his hands raised at his sides. His robe is hanging open.

CHRIS GETHARD
James — your robe is open. The entire city of New York can see your genitals.

JAMES DOLAN
The city of New York takes what I give them. And what I want them to have right now is a face full of my junk; just a big heaping face full of the body part that represents my own overzealous alpha male bullshit as well as my own sense of vanity. Right in your face, New York! Taste that dick! Hahahahahahaha.

CHRIS GETHARD
Jesus, sometimes I don’t know what to make of you. It’s as if you want to be perceived as a maniacal and vengeful rich kid who fancies himself a power broker and goes out of his way to do inexplicable and spiteful things to one of the most dedicated fan bases in the world of sports.

JAMES DOLAN
Whatever.

CHRIS GETHARD
Hey, new topic — I’ve got to visit my parents in Jersey today, I think I’m going to rent a Zipcar to head out there.

JAMES DOLAN
Why would you rent a car? I have so many cars!

CHRIS GETHARD
Well, I used to love driving the Nissan Leaf. And the Honda CR-V. And the Ford Focus. But you traded them all in for one Bugatti Veyron, and I just feel like an asshole driving that thing around.

JAMES DOLAN
Those other cars were worthless!

CHRIS GETHARD
Those cars weren’t flashy, but they were efficient and reliable.

JAMES DOLAN
Have you SEEN the Bugatti Veyron? It’s the coolest looking car I’ve ever seen in my fucking life.

CHRIS GETHARD
It has the worst fuel efficiency of any car in the world.

JAMES DOLAN
But it can go fast for short bursts and makes loud noises! Even if you don’t want the Bugatti, why don’t you take the Ferrari?

CHRIS GETHARD
Because it’s broken down. It’s not as fast as it used to be. Also, for as much as I love that the Ferrari is in our garage, you payed too much for it.

JAMES DOLAN
Just so I’m clear, the Bugatti is analogous to Carmelo and the Ferrari is analogous to Amar’e, right?

CHRIS GETHARD
You nailed it, baby.

JAMES DOLAN
Well, why don’t you take the DeLorean?

CHRIS GETHARD
BECAUSE YOU INEXPLICABLY GOT MAD AT IT AND GAVE IT TO SOME ASSHOLE IN HOUSTON.

JAMES DOLAN
Oh, right! That happened during a toddler-esque temper tantrum so I forgot I even did that. Well, that thing looked odd and I doubt it would stand the test of time. I mean, the doors open upward. It looks different from other cars.

CHRIS GETHARD
Be that as it may, it went pretty fast no matter how you cut it. And if it did work out, the thing would travel through time. At worst, it’s a reliable, cool car that catches peoples’ attention. And at best, let me reiterate, you may have given away a car that potentially TRAVELS THROUGH TIME. It might be able to do things no one sees coming from any car! Plus, it just showed up in your garage one day out of nowhere. Like, it probably traveled through a time portal or something, because it just landed right in your lap. Why would you just give away a car that could potentially travel through time? It’s just so dumb. You’re right, the car might crap out. But why would you give away the potential…?

JAMES DOLAN
I didn’t want to. But the car got lippy and I’m full of pride in the way the Bible cautions against! Cut me some clack — clearly I wanted to keep it, I even bought a used 1982 Monte Carlo as its backup car. Also, if you have so many opinions, why do you go on dates with me anyway? For my money?

CHRIS GETHARD
That, and historically I have low self-esteem and hate myself and attach myself to people and situations that are just bad news. I am a Knicks fan, after all. Also, you have kind of an adorable fat face/goatee combo that I have to admit is endearing in its own odd way.

JAMES DOLAN
I’m tired of talking this much, you should sexually please me and then we’ll get brunch. We’ll make mimosas with this great bottle of champagne I bought for $30 million. I’m letting it sit on a shelf and get better with age.

CHRIS GETHARD
James, that champagne is analogous to Eddy Curry; it’s going to taste like shit.

JAMES DOLAN
I spent $30 million on it!

CHRIS GETHARD
It’s going to taste like shit.

James continues getting ready, putting blood diamond studded earrings in his ears and platinum rings on his greasy, grubby fingers. Chris awkwardly puts on his ill-fitting jeans and a t-shirt sporting the logo of underappreciated New Jersey punk band The Ergs. They head to brunch. James belches a lot and laughs at it, even though everyone else around him is disgusted. He thinks belching is literally the funniest joke that there could be on all of planet Earth.

Later that day, Chris visits his parents who tell him he is a good person and shouldn’t put up with how James Dolan treats him. They ask him why he doesn’t get back together with that nice boy who was so polite and treated him with thoughtfulness and respect — Sam Presti. Chris reminds his parents that historically any time he dates a nice girl he manages to screw it up, and he in fact enjoys sticking by the sides of insane people, because it’s often hellish but when it’s fun it’s fun. In that way, he is like all other Knicks fans.

Fin.