In 1992, the Dream Team helped set two important precedents: 1. America would be represented by its best professional, not amateur, players, and 2. Future United States men’s basketball squads would be given a moniker that rhymed with “team.” 1996 saw “The Dream Team III” win gold, 2008 brought us the “Redeem Team” and some have already dubbed this year’s web-savvy squad the “Meme Team.”

Keeping with that tradition, what follows is a list of some United States Olympic teams we’ll likely see in the coming years:

  • The Hakeem Team: A group of players who have spent the summer (between one and three hours, including lunch) working with Hall of Fame center Hakeem Olajuwon. Members will include Amar’e Stoudemire, Dwight Howard, LeBron James, Kobe Bryant and, somehow, JaVale McGee.
  • The Scalene Team: A team that runs only the triangle offense. Tensions rise when Kobe insists Phil Jackson taught the triangle as more of an isosceles.
  • The “I Have a Dream” Team: Blake Griffin, Stephen Curry, and Jason Kidd head a super team of biracial players. The back of the bus remains empty.
  • The Steam Team: In the future, Greg Stiemsma will be cloned 11 times and a team formed with his doppelgangers. This team will fail to qualify for the Olympics, but will be invoked frequently as a cautionary tale on the limits of genetic science.
  • The Upstream Team: After all other players refuse to join, a desperate U.S. sends a two-man team of John Salmons and Derek Fisher to compete in the Olympics. They fail to medal in basketball but win gold in beach volleyball.
  • The C.R.E.A.M. Team: Max players only, with a starting five of Roy Hibbert, Gilbert Arenas, Rudy Gay, Joe Johnson and Rashard Lewis.
  • The Green Team: Michael Beasley, Delonte West, and Tracy McGrady’s eyes lead this group of marijuana enthusiasts. Training camp starts April 20. Mark Blount to coach.

Feel free to add your best rhyming names in the comments.

Comments (47)

  1. The Meme Team- 11 Javale Mcgees each with a different look of incredulousness frozen onto their faces run around the court doing anything but play basketball, to the delight of the blogging world.

  2. The question is who is Anthony Silletto and why is this SI addressed to him.

  3. How about a team made up completely of players with great smiles: The GLEAM TEAM

  4. The “Cuisine Team” full of fatties? Glen Davis, Andrew Bynum, Raymond Felton, and then Barkley and Shaq can be coach and GM.

    The “Automated Teller Machine Team.” DeShawn Stevenson. That is all.

  5. Dream Team II won gold at the World Championships in Canada in 1994. The team that won gold in 1996 in Atlanta was Dream Team III.

  6. The Margarine Team- Fat Players only, Michael Sweetney, Eddy Curry, Oliver Miller, Old Shaun Kemp and Carmelo. Sofoklis Schartsanitis stars for the Greek team.

  7. The Bavarian Cream Team- Eddy Curry, Raymond Felton, Vince Carter, Baron Davis, and Boris Diaw’s boobs.

  8. the Not-So-Lean Team: Eddy Curry, Ray Felton, Glen Davis, and Sean Kemp lead the USA to an unsuccessful run at gold. Team returns 4 years later along with captain Joey Chestnut as competitive eating becomes an Olympic sport.

    • Precursor to the Steam team was the Scalabrine Team, however, the cloning of 11 Brian Scalabrines was outlawed by everyone. Too bad too, I really wanted a USA Red Fury jersey

  9. The Marine Team: a team made up entirely of players who have either served in the military or attained the rank of sergeant or higher in any Call of Duty game, because bless those boys.

  10. Let’s go Green team, with a starting five of Delonte West, Tracy McGrady, Josh Howard, Michael Beasley, and Mark Blount.

  11. The preen team – the most fashion conscious players in the league. RussellWestbrook, Durant, LeBron etc. They forfiet every game because they refuse to go on the court wearing the same outfit as everyone else.

  12. The Feminine Team (all in how you say it) – Players dressed up as ladies obviously coached by Larry Johnson in full Grandmama mode.

  13. The Jean (shorts) Team-Jorts.

  14. lol CREAM team. Dollar dollar bill, y’all!

  15. “The Peen Team” consisting of all players who have gotten their sext on and sent a picture of their junk with their phone. Players include DHoward, Greg Oden, and probably others that I refuse to Google.

  16. The queen team – chris bosh, richard jefferson, john amaechi, luke walton, and tim hardaway for shits and giggles

  17. The tween team – only players that have had issues with minors. Karl malone is all i got so far

  18. The hasheem team full of draft busts like oden, olowokandi…wont win but theyd have tremendous “upside”

  19. wet dream team? hottest wife/girlfriends. Gotta convince JJ Barea, Sasha, Peja, and Marco Jaric to represent the US though. Lamar Odom auditions for the team, but is cut immediately

  20. The A-Team: Afflalo, Allen (Tony & Ray), Anthony (‘Melo), Arenas, Ariza, Anderson (Ryan), Andersen (Birdman), Aldridge…..

    Coached by Alaa Abdelnaby!!!

  21. The Kareem Team- A team full of only converted muslims who have changed their original names.

  22. nice touch on Mark Blount

  23. The Mean Team – The red guy, Stegosaurus man…Oh.

  24. The Ween Team. Full of alt-looking bros that may or may not be related: Lopez twins, Anderson Varejao, Luke Walton, Blake Griffin.

  25. The lien team- guys who probably have a lien on their house: eddy curry, delonte west…others?

    Also the triple beam team- Shawn kemp & isaiah rider

  26. …or the Obscene team. Full of guys that either got so overpaid it was obscene. Diop, Jerome James, Adonal Foyle, Biedrins. Or obscene in how poorly conceived their tattoos were: Birdman, DeShawn Stevenson, Delonte West, Monta Ellis

  27. The FEMA Team: Players that were on the Hornets when Hurricane Katrina hit.

  28. how did brandon bass not make the upstream team?

    • Yeah, I was going to say, they’d have to fill out their ranks by snagging a few MLB players (since baseball’s out of the Olympics), so Tim Salmon, Mike Trout and Mike Carp are in.

    • Egregious oversight! They could’ve really used him as a beach volleyball alternate.

  29. the “Extreme Team”, a team of players gathered for their ability to dunk and NOT much else… nate robinson, gerald green, shannon brown, etc

  30. The Sheen Team made up of players who are “bi-winners”. Robert Horry…

    The Clean Team made up of the NBA`s “cleanest” players like Reggie Evans, Bowen, Stockton, Miller, Kobe,…

    The Steve Team : Smith, Blake, Kerr, Novak and Nash.

  31. The Team Team
    Players who have played on the most different teams.
    Having been learnt from so many different coaches, and played in so many different offenses, they can adapt to any playing style instantly

    Drew Gooden, Trevor Ariza, Marcus Camby, Juwan Howard, Kwame Brown

    Larry Brown is the coach, with shaq as the team dietician

  32. The Obscene Team would have to be made up of guys who were the opposite of nice on the court, ie. Rasheed Wallace, etc.

  33. The Shaving Cream Team
    Baron, Jimmy Hard, OJ Mayo, Kevin Love, Chris Kaman and Charlie Villanueva.

  34. The Unforeseen Team: comprised of NYC’s best street ballers after the U.S gets bored of dominating and decides to pit its top “underground” talent against the world. A gol medal, leads to millions of dollars donated to our underprivileged children in underdeveloped areas and they are thusly known as the Harlem Globestompers. (couldnt think of anything to touch on charity.)

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