As we all know, the Nets moved to Brooklyn, no doy. And as we also all know, that means there are now two New York basketball teams, which could lead to some Western themed “This town ain’t big enough for the both of us” video promos during games betwixt the two franchises, even though the town is a city and it is definitely big enough for the both of them. C’est la vie.

However, since the Nets have moved, even if said move was only 13 miles, they need a proper introduction in their new city. Not surprisingly, the team is doing just that, plastering billboards across the city announcing their arrival and introducing Brooklyn to their players with a campaign called “Core Four” that includes some biographical information about each of the four players featured in the ads. From ESPN:

• ”Hello Brooklyn. I’m #8, Deron Williams, three-time NBA All-Star and father of four.”

• ”Hello Brooklyn, I’m #7, Joe Johnson, six-time NBA All-Star and lifelong Razorback.”

• ”Hello Brooklyn, I’m #11, Brook Lopez, 20-point scorer and Batman’s biggest fan.”

• ”Hello Brooklyn, I’m #45, Gerald Wallace, All-NBA Defender and offseason fisherman.”

First of all, haha to all of these — cool facts. Second of all, Brook Lopez’s is 100 percent perfect and can only be made better by reading it in his voice. Third of all, way to be boring forever, Joe Johnson. Fourth of all, “offseason fisherman.”

Fifth of all, let’s write some of these to accurately reflect what Brooklynites really need to know about their incoming players.

  • “Hello Brooklyn. I’m #8, Deron Williams, three-time NBA All-Star and owner of the league’s worst haircut.”
  • “Hello Brooklyn, I’m #7, Joe Johnson, six-time NBA All-Star and you will never see me smile.”
  • “Suuuuuuup Brooklyn, I’m #11, Brook Lopez, and like, basketball is pretty flippin’ cool, just like chillin’ with my bros and gettin’ squirrelly with some cheese puffs..”
  • “Hello Brooklyn, I’m #45, Gerald Wallace, the scariest of all Nets.”
  • “Hello Brooklyn, I’m #6, Keith Bogans, and you are going to hate it if I play more than three minutes per game.”
  • “Hello Brooklyn, I’m #9, Marshon Brooks, and my face is unbelievably small.”
  • “Hello Brooklyn, I’m #30, Reggie Evans. Watch your nuts.”
  • “Hello Brooklyn, I’m #43, Kris Humphries, and I know you already hate me…”
  • “Hello Brooklyn, I’m #42, Jerry Stackhouse, national anthem singer, living fossil and running joke.”
  • “Здраво Бруклин, ја сам # 12, Мirza Teletovic, моје омиљено јело је сушени пасуљ.”
  • “Hello Brooklyn, I’m #32, C.J. Watson, and I often make bad decisions, both on the basketball court and with my facial hair.”
  • “Hello Brooklyn, I’m #10, Tyshawn Taylor, which is three different first names.”

As you can see, this is the type of marketing campaign that really has legs. In fact, I encourage you to add your own in the comments. Here’s the Nets’ roster. Go crazy.

Comments (37)

  1. When referring to Deron Williams, I think you have to say “hair” cut.

  2. Hi, im Sheldon Williams and i look like Ken Griffey junior’s from that episode of the simpsons

  3. if Sheldon Williams comes back. “Hello Brooklyn, I’m number 33, Mr.Candice Parker.”

  4. Didn’t know Mirza was such a fan of dried beans. lol

  5. “Hello Brooklyn, I’m #78, Mirza Teletovic, Мне нравится баскетбол

  6. “Hello Brooklyn, I’m #7 Armon Johnson, the affordable Johnson.”

  7. Hello Brooklyn, i’m #1 Sandiate Gaines, Remember when I hit my game winning first 3 pointer back in 2010? I still talk about that…

  8. Hello Brooklyn, I’m #7, Joe Johnson, and I am a member of the 1st NBA All Overpaid Team

    (rinse and repeat for Lopez, Hump, and Wallace)

    or….

    Hello Brooklyn, I’m #11, Brook Lopez, and I just got paid over 50 million dollars for breaking my foot

    Hello Brooklyn, I’m #11, Brook Lopez, and I am the same as Dwight Howard

    ”Hello Brooklyn. I’m #8, Deron Williams, and I had to pass to Shelden Williams and Travis Outlaw for an entire year. You owe me.”

    ”Hello Brooklyn, I’m #7, Joe Johnson, I take ill advised jumpers in crunch time.”

    ”Hello Brooklyn, I’m #7, Joe Johnson, and I am confused as to why you wanted my contract.”

  9. Trey Kerby should do these slogans for every team.

  10. Hello readers, I’m Trey Kirby, TBJ’s annoying idiot.

  11. Hello Brooklyn, I’m #12, Мirza Teletovic. In Soviet Union, team introduce you.

  12. Hello Brooklyn, I’m Ilkan Karaman, and no, I wasn’t in Lord of the Rings.

  13. Hello Brooklyn. I’m #8, Deron Williams, and remembering my birthday is a massive deal.

  14. heeeeyyyy, yyyyoooo guyyyyssss! I’m Popeye Jones, assistant coach, and I love you, Chunk

  15. Hello Brooklyn, I’m #7, Armon Johnson, and, well, I guess I’m not #7 anymore…

    Alternately –

    Hello Brooklyn, I’m #7, Armon Johnson, and this one time last year, I scored 11 points!

  16. The owners bios are far more interesting.
    Hello Brooklyn. I’m, Mikhail Prokhorov, Russian billionaire and I own shark with laser beams on their heads.
    Hello Brooklyn. I’m Jay Z, and I fuck Beyonce.

    • this is funny.

      Hello Brooklyn. I’m, Mikhail Prokhorov, and I build stadium and pay team with money of child worker in nickel mines.

  17. Hello Brooklyn. I’m #7, Joe Johnson, but feel free to call me by my nickname, “Joe Johnson.”

    Hello Brooklyn. I’m #42, Jerry Stackhouse and one time I was on the same team as LaSalle Thompson and Ed Pinckney. No, seriously. HEY STOP LAUGHING.

    Hello Brooklyn. I’m C.J. Watson. You all know me as Joe the Policeman from the “What’s Goin’ Down” episode of “That’s My Mama.”

    Hello Brooklyn. I’m Tornike Shengelia. Ok, not really. It’s me, Brook Lopez again. I just made that name up.

  18. Hello Brooklyn, I’m Jay-Z, part owner, and i’m married to Beyoncé, I had to suck D-will off after every lost last year to get him to resign.

  19. My favorite dish is dried beans haha nice one

  20. Hello Brooklyn, I’m #43, Kris Humphries, habitual masturbator and bearer of 6 eyelids.

  21. @Mirza Teletovic, that sentence was in Serbian language and he is Bosnian and not a Serb. Bosnians don’t use much Cyrillic letters. Other than that it was funny.

  22. Hello Brooklyn, I’m #11 Brook Lopez, and I make more than LeBron
    Hello Brooklyn, I’m #42 Jerry Stackhouse, and I’m a 2-time NBA All-Star……..No, seriously.
    Hello Brooklyn, I’m #6 Keith Bogans………I am NOT Maurice Evans.

  23. Hello Brooklyn, I’m #42 Jerry Stackhouse, and I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids.

  24. Hello Brooklyn I’m part owner Jay-Z. I own 0.01% of the team, or as you like to call it, season tickets. In my free time I enjoy walk on the beach, having sex with Beyonce and attending Knicks games.

  25. Hello Brooklyn, my name is Deron Williams. I got the longest tenured coach in American Sports fired and got traded immediately after. Also, two of my three all-star appearances were a joke.
    Hello Brooklyn, my name is Joe Johnson. I stole $120 million and got away with it. Also, I hate basketball.
    Hello Brooklyn, my name is Gerald Wallace and I just got paid $40 million for things I lost the ability to do 3 years ago.
    Hello Brooklyn, my name is Brook Lopez. I’m 7 feet tall. I also get out rebounded by point guards.
    Hello Brooklyn, my name is Kris Humpries. The Nets hope my time with the team is almost as short as my wedding.

  26. Hi, I’m Ryen, and I talk about basketball.

  27. Hello Brooklyn I’m #12 Dwight Howard and I won’t be playing for your team

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