Sometimes, when I am doing my job and trying to find you guys the hottest, freshest YouTube videos regarding the NBA, I find some pretty weird stuff. Like this, for instance — a 10-minute long music video/tour documentary about Metta World Peace that only had a single view when I stumbled across it.
At this very moment, only me and the guy who uploaded the video knows what happens on the other side of that play button. But because I’m a nice guy, I’m going to break down the secrets right now, blow-by-blow. Either read and watch, or just read, which will save 10 minutes of your life. The choice is yours.
0:00 — Metta World Peace still goes by Ron Artest professionally, and his media group is called Artest Media Group. Also, he has a media group.
0:15 — The last time I saw that many hands waving side-to-side was in “8 Mile.”
0:25 — When Chris Bosh sees this part, he thinks, “Maybe I should rap.” It’s all about the splashy-splash, baby. Uh-huh, yeah.
1:15 — Free drinks at the bar. Just for the ladies though, duh.
1:24-1:42 — Just a classic montage of boob-lifting, grinding and sneaky kiss-stealing. You know, vintage Dr. Dre “Ain’ Nuthin’ but a G Thang” hijinks.
1:43-1:47 — A solid four seconds of some lady ashamedly grabbing at MWP’s junk, maybe trying to undo his belt and settling for a crotch rub. Metta’s been divorced since 2009, so it’s totally cool.
1:50 — More booty shaking.
1:56 — “Some a call you fat / but I’m a call you thick.” Kind of nice, actually. Very inclusive.
2:04 — Daggering! Finally some daggering. I’m actually kind of surprised this went for two whole minutes without any daggering, but it was worth it.
2:14 — More boobs.
2:17-2:27 — This is a lot of drinks to be shown in 10 seconds. Foreshadowing.
2:29 — More boobs.
3:05-3:18 — Literally the exact same shot as the 2:17-2:30 happenings, from the drinks to the boobs. When you are making a tour documentary and have to repeat footage, maybe you shouldn’t be making a tour documentary.
3:32 — That’s the third time we’ve seen somebody signing that same receipt.
3:40 — The second act of the movie begins with Metta World Peace puking (see 2:17-2:27), lots of N-words and then Metta World Peace rooting through the garbage can he puked in for some reason. This is pretty much the definition of the monomyth. Also, all of his friends still call him “Ron,” FYI.
4:30 — Oh man, solid M. Night Shyamalan twist right there. The whole time he was puking, MWP was reaching in his pocket for something. Turns out he was going for his phone so he could tweet a picture of his vomit. It’s like I always say, sometimes it’s fun to do things for the retweets.
4:55 — Looks like we’re getting another song premiere. This one is called “Haters.” Should be very good and 100 percent original, if we’re just judging by the name.
5:14 — No way. That’s a Tru Warier chain.
Remember when Metta World Peace was still called Ron Artest and had that shaved in the back of his head because it was the name of his record label and then asked the Pacers for time off to promote his record? Nice callback.
5:23 — “You, you, you and you why you hating me? / I don’t know but a lotta people hating me.” Because of these lyrics.
5:35 — Is Metta World Peace a big “Breaking Bad” fan? No idea, but it seems like he’s on a set from season one, which is a pretty weird location for a rap video, all things considered.
5:52 — Important stuff right here: “I admit I used to smoke right before games.” No you didn’t, but OK.
5:57 — And now a callback to his Hennessy at halftime admission: “Halftime hit the liquor store for a half pint.” I still don’t buy that he used to leave the stadium to go to a liquor store to get cognac during halftime of games — and I super don’t buy that he was doing so after getting stoned before the game — but it’s good to see MWP is sticking to his story.
6:02 — “Maybe I should just play ball / and not be a rebel.” Yeah, maybe.
6:27 — Slow motion walk-boxing, because MWP needs to stay in shape.
7:07-7:22 — A conversation about and with some long-haired guy who was tripping and couldn’t finish a dance, I think. There’s literally no explanation or reason for this scene’s inclusion, but sometimes when you’re tripping you just need to let people know.
7:32 — Oh, Metta World Peace went to Amir Khan vs. Danny Garcia. That’s in here too.
7:52 — While MWP gets his picture taken with some fans, his buddies review the Khan knockout with a bunch of profanity and N-words. You know, because of sports.
8:17 — MWP mentions there is an after party, which only makes sense. Just a hunch, but there is probably going to be footage of that included in this.
8:26-8:46 — 20 seconds of walking to an elevator.
8:46-8:56 — 10 seconds of getting in an elevator.
9:20-9:40 — MWP confesses to some guy named lance that he’s kind of bummed out he never got a tryout for Team USA, despite trying to get a tryout for seven years. Call me crazy, but maybe it was the drinking, smoking and fighting during games. Just guessing.
9:50 — At Crazy Horse II in Las Vegas, this is the dress code.
And that’s our final scene — if you don’t count the 30 seconds of Twitter promoting that follows, which I don’t — meaning we somehow didn’t get footage of Amir Khan’s after party. Huge upset. But we did find out that MWP and his crew were heading in to a strip club, which is arguably a better and more fitting conclusion.
So what did we learn? We learned that Metta World Peace likes drinking, women and rapping. We learned that he now claims that he smoked AND drank before and during basketball games. We learned that he’s still Ron to his friends. And we learned that you can’t wear “open toe’d” shoes to a strip club. All in all, a pretty educational experience, I’d say.