I’m not sure if you guys are up to date on Shaquille O’Neal’s rapidly expanding portfolio, but he recently made a new purchase. From the AP:

O’Neal, a four-time NBA champion, grew up in Newark, and now co-owns and operates the CityPlex 12 theater near downtown.

O’Neal and Newark Mayor Cory Booker formally opened the renovated, expanded theater Friday afternoon. It includes an auditorium with a 47-foot-wide screen. It partially reopened in May after being closed for renovations.

The project added six screens and 20,000 feet to the theater on Springfield Ave.

Great news. If there’s ever been someone from the NBA who needs to be back in the movie business, it’s Shaquille O’Neal. After his legendary starring role in “Freddie Got Fingered,” we’ve waited too long for him to make his next big move. It seems this is it.

And while you might be quick to say, “Haha, I bet he’ll play his terrible movies,” well, not so fast.

O’Neal, the NBA’s Most Valuable Player in 2000, joked that the theater shouldn’t screen his movie `Kazaam’ if it wants to stay in business.

It’s natural assume that this is the reasons Shaq bought a movie theater. I mean, no one else will play something like “Kazaam,” so buying a theater to screen your vanity projects seems to be the way to go. But I guess not.

So what is going to happen at Shaquille O’Neal’s movie theater? Lucky for you, TBJ did some investigative journalism to uncover that very mystery. Here’s what we found out.

  • There will be three sizes of popcorn — large, extra large, Shaq.
  • There will be three sizes of drink — large, extra large, Diesel.
  • One theater will be devoted to basketball movies including buy not limited to “Hoosiers,” “He Got Game” and “The Sixth Man.”
  • “Just Wright” will not be shown, due to theater’s strict No Dwight Howard policy.
  • At all times, one screen will be showing a Superman movie. You buy a ticket, go in and take your chances with which one you’re going to see. Just hope you wander in to one of the first two, otherwise yikes.
  • Three-quarters of the way through every film, Shaq comes in and walks through the audience in his underwear for no real reason.
  • Every foreign film will be overdubbed with Shaq doing his best accent for where that movie came from, which is to say, it will be a horrible accent and kind of offensive.
  • Seating preference will be given to police officers and people who get to act like police officers every once in a while.
  • Every good idea that’s come from Magic Johnson Theaters will be in this theater, only Shaq will act like he came up with it.
  • Free admission for men with shaved heads and bushy sideburns.
  • No talking in the theaters, but mumbling and laughing too loud and too long are encouraged.
  • Every movie will start slow, break down in the beginning but make a hard charge to the ending after playing itself in to shape. The movies will still be really good, but you wish it would have been ready to go from the beginning.
  • The theater will have a new nickname every six months.

As you can tell, it’s going to be a pretty successful theater. It’ll probably tell you that it’s the best theater ever, but we’ll all really know that there’s been better theaters that worked harder. Still, hard to argue with a multiplex that puts up the kind of numbers Shaq’s will.