How do you sleep at night?

I’m not asking because I think you did something terrible and I can’t believe you can live with yourself. (But I do know what you did and it’s disgusting.) I’m just curious what kind of sleeper you are — the posture, how quickly you fall asleep, the number of hours, what you wear, your blanket situation — and I want you to break it down in the comments.

And maybe you think it’s weird that I am asking, but basically I just want to know if you are better at sleeping than Kevin Love. Because Kevin Love might not be that good at sleeping. From the Minneapolis Star-Tribune:

Kevin Love’s going to need a bigger bed.

The Timberwolves’ two-time All-Star along with starting small forward Andrei Kirilenko missed Saturday’s preseason return to Target Center — an 82-75 victory over the Chicago Bulls — because of a suddenly sore right elbow.

Love didn’t bang it or hyperextend it while playing only the first quarter Friday in Indianapolis. No, he instead slept with his right arm extended off his bed all night Friday and when he awoke Saturday morning, he said he could barely lift a basketball.

“I couldn’t shoot it 10 feet,” he said. [...]

Love, however, had no strength in that arm. Maybe he needs to get a bed like the one Jefferson, his former teammate, recently ordered in Salt Lake City: A 10-foot-by-12-foot one that cost more than $23,000.

“My bed’s big enough,” Love said. “Just a fluke thing. I’m pretty sure it’s just a 24-hour deal.”

So basically, Kevin Love had a dead arm from sleeping, putting him in the same league as famous hurt-in-bed athletes such as Derrick Rose, Glenallen Hill and Sammy Sosa (cool beds work from a bunch of Chicago athletes). But since it happened in the preseason, it’s not a big deal. Just get that arm in place and have a nice night’s sleep and it’s fine. No need to worry.

The worry, however, comes from the way Kevin Love was sleeping. From his description, it sounds like he was in the Yearner position. According to a BBC study, 13 percent of people sleep like that, so Kevin Love is not alone. The problem is what the Yearner means and how it relates to Kevin Love’s place within the organization. From the BBC:

The yearner (13%): People who sleep on their side with both arms out in front are said to have an open nature, but can be suspicious, cynical. They are slow to make up their minds, but once they have taken a decision, they are unlikely ever to change it.

Well, that certainly sounds like Kevin Love. He definitely has an open nature (the reigning Mr. Jokes of Minnesota) but he is also suspicious and cynical (“If I don’t make the playoffs next year I don’t know what will happen”). And since those two things are true, everything else must be too. That means the Timberwolves need to make the playoffs if they’re going to keep Kevin Love happy. He’ll give them a year, as Yearners are “slow to make up their minds,” but that also means the Wolves basically have this season to make Kevin Love happy or else he’s going to decide to leave and will then be “unlikely ever to change it.”

Of course, these omens of doom are based solely on the mystical studies of sleep postures, so take it with a buckwheat hull that fell out of your special pillow you bought from an infomercial. As long as Kevin Love keeps his arms under control when he’s sleeping, everything else should be fine. I’m not sure how he feels about swaddling, but that’s something to consider. Anything to keep Kevin Love happy.

(via SLAM)

Comments (8)

  1. Happens to me sometimes, sleep on my arm and hit hurts like a bitch later on.

  2. This was surprisingly superb investigative journalism. The extra-mile with the BBC research, made me a bit confused as to how funny this is. I wanted to laugh but kept getting caught up in Hmm moments. Keep up the good work. (Or don’t. Whatever.)

  3. I freefall in to starfish. I get about 6-7 hours nightly.
    On occasion I will wake up to find that my arm has apparently disappeared. When I reach over with my still-attached arm to investigate, I find that it is just hanging over the bed. I guess locking my elbow causes some type of feeling loss so I flex it with my other arm and go back to sleep.
    Thankfully I have never missed a preseason game for that reason though.

  4. Kevin Love knows damn well that’s not what happened. He put on all weight on his arm so that he’d lose feeling on that arm and then jerked off and imagined it was someone else that was doing it for him. Probably ricky rubio…

  5. What does it mean when my sleep pattern is a hybrid of ‘Foetus’, ‘Starfish’ and ‘Freefaller’? Am I sociopath?!?!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *