For the first time in a few years, 76ers fans can be excited. No, not because they traded away a guy who could never live up to their lofty expectations. And no, not because they finally acquired a true franchise player who might not sign with the team long term and who might not be healthy anyways. And no, not even because Doug Collins has finally gone back to his fabulous bleached blond hair because he hasn’t. Yet.

No, the reason for Sixers fans to finally get pumped about going to basketball games is because the Sixers plan to be a record-setting team this season. Here’s your evidence, from a press release:

On opening night, the Sixers will unveil Big Bella, the world’s largest T-shirt launcher that fires 100 tees in just 60 seconds. Big Bella weighs 600 pounds and, when firing T-shirts into the upper reaches of the Wells Fargo Center, can be up to 10 feet high. The team commissioned the creation of Big Bella from FX in Motion, an entertainment elements company out of New Berlin, Wisc. The team will also drop T-shirts, free game tickets and other promotional items from the rafters of the Wells Fargo Center down to fans below in a new themed “Sixers Parachute Drop.”

If there is one sure-fire way to get your fans juiced, it’s by giving them free stuff during a game. That literally always gets people on their feet, as there is nothing quite so thrilling as getting a gigantic, cheap t-shirt that you’ll never wear. Knowing that, making the t-shirt launcher enormous and more powerful is pretty much the next logical step, not to mention the most American.

The next step, I guess, is some sort of t-shirt tank that rolls to half-court and just unloads t-shirt round after t-shirt round in to the crowd at speeds that are a just a bit too dangerous. Or maybe some sort of t-shirt smart bomb that explodes and covers the entire arena in t-shirts. I’m no t-shirt ballistics expert, so I’m just spitballing here. If you have any other t-shirt weapons ideas, I’d be happy to hear them.

For now though, let’s just let the Philadelphia fans enjoy their moment in the sun with “Big Bella.” Between the Phillies, Eagles and Bynum’s knee, this might be the best thing they’ve got going.

(via 700 Level)

Comments (14)

  1. I’d like to see the t-shirt chain gun. Imagine that chain gun scene in T2, but with t-shirts. It’d be incredible!

    • lmao! T-Shirt chain gun. Now that’s badass

    • Strictly speaking, this is a chaingun. A chaingun is nothing more than an automatic weapon that cycles itself through an external motor, rather than some reciprocating piston powered by propellant exhaust gases. It refers to the chain drive connecting the weapon to that motor, and not the ammunition feed. While the weapon used during the holdout at Cyberdyne in Terminator 2 was a form of chaingun, the specific term you are looking for is a Gatling gun. Since this only has one barrel for multiple chambers, this would be called a revolver cannon.

  2. let me be the first to welcome our new T-Shirt shooting overlords.

  3. What about free slingshots so you can shoot your never going to wear ever free balled t-shirt around the arena. You could watch the game and play a little dodge shirt

  4. For something that is undoubtedly going to resemble a phallus, shouldn’t they have gone with a male’s name, or at least something dykier than Bella?

  5. How about loading some shirts that explode red dye packets upon catching that make it look like fans are getting straight murdered by their rolled up fabric prize. Now fans will back off the excitement for free shirts knowing that there is a chance they will get liquified by a fake explosive.

  6. I’ll give it a week before the first claim of injury due to this machine happens.

  7. Wow. Definitely approve of the change of picture. I reloaded the page and I was mildly terrified. That thing looks like it would shoot out of the picture and embed a t-shirt into my forehead.

  8. Maude Flanders frowns upon this new development.

  9. Heat-seeing t-shirt missiles!

    Which ever fan is yelling and screaming the loudest, generating the most hear, gets the t-shirt.

  10. *Heat-seeking, too. Good post!

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