Shea Serrano is one of our new contributors for this season. He’s a writer and he wants you to take him seriously. He wears glasses and owns a tweed jacket with leather elbows. He’s written for Grantland, SLAM, Village Voice, LA Weekly and more. He’s great.

Every Friday, I come home from work and inspect the contents of a red folder and a blue folder. The folders belong to my twin sons, Boy A and Boy B, both of whom are in kindergarten. I suspect their teachers send them home to serve as indirect proof that they’re in class learning handwriting and math and not black magic or racist terms for Mexicans, but that’s just a guess.

Anyway, generally, the folders are full of worksheets and whatnot, of which I pretend to peruse for four or five seconds before spouting out some form of dad rhetoric (“Great job, champ!” or whatthefuckever) and then patting one or both on the back of the head. A couple of weeks ago though, there was something new.

To celebrate Columbus Day, Boy B’s class made these little paper bag Christopher Columbus puppets. And I was offended. Not that they were basically high-fiving one of the most dastardly historical figures of all-time, but because OH MY GOD THE PUPPET BOY B MADE WAS BASICALLY THE SHITTIEST PUPPET YOU’VE EVER SEEN.

It was so shitty that I’m forced to try to explain to you how awful it was rather than just show you a picture of it because as soon as he wandered away from me I immediately destroyed it because OH MY GOD THE PUPPET WAS BASICALLY THE SHITTIEST PUPPET YOU’VE EVER SEEN. So that’s why we have these guys below.

These are some WAY MORE WAVY paper bag puppets for you. There’s Paper Garnett, Paper Harden and Paper Pop. The instructions are on each page, though I’m certain you’d have been able to figure it out anyway. So have it. Thanks. Great job, champs.