If you would have polled 1,600 random people on Friday night about who was going to be the new Lakers coach, Phil Jackson would have been the overwhelming choice. My dad even emailed me about it, and that’s how you know it’s serious.

But then, out of almost nowhere, we all wake up and Mike D’Antoni is the mustachioed coach who was picked to lead the Lakers to the promised land. And the reason, at least according to my friend Multiple Sources, was that Phil Jackson wanted way too much of everything in order to take over his old team. From the Los Angeles Times:

Jackson was the overwhelming favorite to return to the Lakers until they heard his informal demands, which included a stake in team ownership, according to a person familiar with the situation.

“He was asking for the moon,” said the person, who also declined to be identified because they are not authorized to discuss the situation.

You know, fair enough. If the Lakers think it’s smarter to hire a somewhat cheaper coach while still paying out the contract of the guy they just fired, then I get that. And if Phil Jackson was seriously asking for a piece of ownership, then I totally get it. That’s a lot of control to give up to a guy who kind of just quits out of nowhere sometimes.

However, four superstars being coached by a coach who excels at coaching superstars does make a lot of sense. Pretty much the most sense possible, actually. Which is why Phil Jackson’s demands must have been totally crazy for the Lakers to offer the job to Mike D’Antoni. Amazingly, TBJ found and transcribed the informal list that Jackson submitted to the Lakers’ braintrust. Here’s what we found.

  • A stake in team ownership.
  • A steak dinner with the team’s owner’s daughter, paid for by the team owner (apps and zerts included).
  • Small private jet. Nothing fancy, just a free private jet to fly places.
  • Golden toilet.
  • Complimentary membership in Jam of the Month club.
  • Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s jacket.
  • Courtside seats for his advisor, Hungry Bear.
  • Facial hair consultation session with Lou Adler.
  • One free No. 19 from Langer’s Deli a week.
  • All of the peyote. All of it.
  • An even taller chair on the bench.
  • “I don’t care how you do it, but I need Luke and Derek back.”
  • One forum blue top hat with a gold ribbon.
  • Team-sanctioned meet and greet with Jemaine Clement of “Flight of the Conchords” to determine once and for all whether they do or don’t look like father and son.
  • Adamantium hip implants.

As you can see, he really did ask the Lakers for quite a bit. I mean, where do you even find enough adamantium to make an entire human hip? It might come back to bite them in the end, but it’s certainly understandable why so it’s easy to see why the Lakers would turn him down. In this economy? Come on. Feel free to add your own requests in the comments.

Comments (29)

  1. 10 minutes of “zen time” added to half time at all home games

  2. He asked for Pau’s heart, Dwight’s brain, Kobe’s unselfishness, MWP’s sanity and Nash’s fidelity.

    None exist in a significant amount…

  3. -Statue outside Staples Center bigger than all the rest of them
    -Staples Center to be renamed after him
    -Luxury taxes paid by teams in the league to go to him
    -Exemption from all road games, including the Clippers ones
    -The actual moon

  4. I heard he asked for the starring role in the next “ironman” movie!

  5. Jim would have to watch…

    • “Win” was too short of a comment so I’ll add that Jim would also have to pull his personal rickshaw.

  6. - 4 strong men to cart him around cleopatra-style
    - Michael Jordan to change his middle name to “WithoutPhilNothing”
    - All Lakers employees to grow mustaches (women too)
    - 10 acre Zen garden

  7. You forgot the piece of moon there. Anywayssssss, it would all be justified… In times of crises you need a strong leadership, is dantónio it?

  8. - A parking spot for his motorcycle behind the bench during home games.
    - His own “Zen Master” Lakers jersey, with a lotus flower instead of a number.
    - “One of those Avatar machines” for away games.

  9. The city would be renamed Phils Jacksonles.

    Tonya Harding would be hired to take out LeBron’s knee.

  10. Rick Fox as his personal grooming aide.

  11. - Mandatory airing of “The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh” during half time of every game.

    - Access to Rob Lowe’s fountain of youth (the man never ages!)

    - Not only Earth’s moon, but Mars’, Jupiter’s, and half of Saturn’s moons as well.

  12. “Ever heard of FaceTime? JUST PUT AN IPAD ON MY SEAT!’

  13. - A flowing fur coat made from the dark locks of Sasha Vujacic
    - A bathroom vending machine that spits of tabs of acid
    - His own mascot named Trusty the Triangle and would be worn by his choice of Laker girl every night
    - A license to kill 2 players of his choosing with no legal ramifications
    - The ability to harvest essential organs/bones from players at his whim
    - A 50 liter tub of “Chesnut Brown” Just For Men
    - A fruit basket of drugs delivered to him every game personally by Jack Nicholson
    - 10 minutes mandatory COMPLETE CROWD SILENCE during the third quarter so he can think of new ways to woo Jeanie Buss
    - Fresh donuts
    - Gatorade is replaced by tears from every other head coach after his signing announcement
    - A live Siberian tiger cub
    - Ability to moon the fans whenever he feels like it

  14. When I saw this post on FB with a much smaller pic, my original thought was “His moustache back.” Bingo.

  15. Phil: I fly to the moon, I shrink the moon, I grab the moon, I sit on the toilet bowl… what?

  16. A candle-lit dinner with Justin Bieber at Staples Center

  17. lol! everyones comments were awesome!! Good job people!

  18. I heard that Phil Jackson had a requirement that Dwight Howard had to actually read a whole book. That’s what ending up being a deal stopper.

  19. haha your list was just read on 710 espn radio, I couldn’t help but feel happy for tbj lol

  20. Never to be asked why his eyes look a little glazy.

  21. com on phil kiss yo ass times are hard u are good but we only kiss tha feet of god u are not god sorry homie go back to fishin

  22. got luv fo ya but ….really

  23. selfish bastard

  24. i live in la never been to a laker game gas is 4 dollars a gallon you want a plane at the lakers tab ????????

  25. -All of Ashton Kutcher’s Twitter followers.
    -First look at all scripts offered to Jack or Denzel.
    -Jim Buss henceforth to be called “Li’l Jimmy” by all media outlets.
    -All Lakers jersey numbers to be replaced by either “PJ” or “11 (Rings, Bitches!).” Phil decides which on player-by-player basis.
    -Final say over future Bieber hairstyle changes.
    -Final say over future Bieber girlfriends (CALL ME, SELENA).

  26. KFC Zingers with Coleslaw on the side. Done and done.

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