The Washington Wizards have literally been comically bad the past few seasons. Whether it be challenging for the worst record ever in 2008-09, losing 25 straight road games during the 2010-11 season or employing the greatest collection of human memes in NBA history during the modern era, the Wizards have been one of the league’s go-to franchises for NBA futility.

But they’ve outdone themselves this season, starting the year off 0-9 to set the Washington record for worst start in franchise history. And even worse, they have turned their head coach, Randy Wittman, in to a babbling idiot. From the AP:

Wittman chose various ways to try to explain the Wizards’ problems Monday night during a 96-89 loss to the Indiana Pacers, then tried to stand up – somewhat – for his players.

”I believe these guys can win,” Wittman said. ”I don’t have any doubts. … I come in here every day, thinking this is the night. I feel good.”

Then he chuckled a bit, paused, and delivered the punch line: ”I might be dumb.”

Here is a sign that your season is not going very well — your coach thinks your team can win games but then reconsiders because he “might be dumb.” Yikes. That is arguably worse than your old coach admitting he eats Subway after every loss because he feels terrible about himself. Though when you consider that both of these coaches have been mentally destroyed by the Wizards in the same calendar year, I guess it’s just a toss-up.

I mean, things have gotten so bad that Randy Wittman has lost his cellphone, thinks the waiver wire is actually a number that you can call and doesn’t even know who should be playing in the first place.

”I don’t know who to start, who to play, who not to play,” Wittman said.

Sounding increasingly exasperated, he continued: ”I’m looking down the whole roster, and if I had a cellphone, I’d be calling the waiver wire, trying to find another body. I mean, I’m just searching right now, searching for people to give me consistency.”

Players often get labeled as coach killers after they get a head man fired, but the Washington Wizards are actual coach killers in the sense that they completely suck the life out of whoever is coaching them. If you are ever offered this job, just say no. It’s not worth it.