David Stern has a well-documented history of busting out menacing phrases to make his point, with his promise of “substantial sanctions” upon Gregg Popovich and the Spurs being the most recent example. Stern doesn’t just blurt these out of the blue, though. He’s working down a list, and we’ve gained exclusive access to said list, and transcribed it for easy perusal. Take a gander:

By David

  • Enormous consequences.
  • Substantial sanctions.
  • Massive ramifications.
  • Humongous damages.
  • Gargantuan penalties.
  • Elephantine punishments.
  • Big troubles.
  • “Big Trouble,” but the Tim Allen movie, not the Dave Barry novel on which it’s based.
  • Things that are seriously very, very bad.
  • So much yelling.
  • How much money do you have? Give it.
  • A series of strongly-worded letters.
  • Misspelled surnames on all your jerseys.
  • Solid metal ping-pong balls at the draft lottery.
  • No more home games.
  • No more home games and everybody but you gets jetpacks.
  • New dress code: chainmail only.
  • Back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-backs.
  • Everybody gets express written consent to re-broadcast and reproduce your broadcasts.
  • Distractible mop guys.
  • Only referees who have previously been mugged in your home city.
  • Pussycat Dolls.
  • Muppet fur in your lotion.
  • Guess what? You just signed Larry Hughes.
  • First 18,000 fans in attendance get a complimentary gong.
  • Ankles are now forbidden. No more ankles.
  • Slimy basketballs.
  • Moron Mountain is a real place. Just saying.
  • Droves of syphilitic hares.
  • A plate filled with what you think are delicious cookies but actually it’s just a picture of delicious cookies.
  • Boils.

Feel free to give David a hand with some more menacing phrases in the comments below.


Comments (26)

  1. Basketball reasons

  2. mandatory starters

  3. Small and unnoticeable wet spots on the locker room floors to get your socks wet.

  4. I’ll try facial hair again

  5. You forgot “palaver”.

  6. A horde of locusts o’er the land

  7. Mike Bibby as the final roster spot

  8. Mandatory wearing of 80′s Draft attire while courtside.

  9. D-League call-ups.
    Delonte West. Your mom. Closed room.
    3 point bricks only in a close game, Raptors style.
    Short shorts.
    Allen Iverson’s accountant.

  10. Forced to retire in prime of career to play minor league baseball

  11. From now on, your team will be called The Pelicans.

  12. - A “Kick Me” sign right at the small of your back, just where your hands can’t reach

    - All the food in your fridge is replaced with Lunchables, but like those cracker Lunchables that no one eats

    - A Boozer upon your house

  13. You missed “Brobdingnagian Booboos.” Thank you thesaurus.

  14. Vetos on all trades

  15. A fiscal cliff of physical comeuppance.

  16. Vinny Del Negro : Automatic Head Coach

  17. Some team specifc punishments
    Heat lakers clippers thunder–no jumping sorry Dwight Blake Lebron

    Timberwolves Raptors– no foreign players

  18. You will not like these apples.

    Draconian discipline.

    Cat o’ nine tails.

  19. 82 games of Joe Crawford
    I’m left with no option but to Kings 2002 your team

  20. That’s a paddlin’

  21. Playoffs featuring Lakers vs Lakers, where the winner advances to play the Lakers, and that winner will advance to play the Lakers…

  22. All your free throws will be shot by Andris Biedrins

    Pauly Shore will be your home court celebrity

  23. You just spit hot fiyah…

  24. A Kobe Bryant Death Stare.

    Funny post.

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