David Stern has a well-documented history of busting out menacing phrases to make his point, with his promise of “substantial sanctions” upon Gregg Popovich and the Spurs being the most recent example. Stern doesn’t just blurt these out of the blue, though. He’s working down a list, and we’ve gained exclusive access to said list, and transcribed it for easy perusal. Take a gander:

MENACING PHRASES TO USE WHEN I AM MAD
By David

  • Enormous consequences.
  • Substantial sanctions.
  • Massive ramifications.
  • Humongous damages.
  • Gargantuan penalties.
  • Elephantine punishments.
  • Big troubles.
  • “Big Trouble,” but the Tim Allen movie, not the Dave Barry novel on which it’s based.
  • Things that are seriously very, very bad.
  • So much yelling.
  • How much money do you have? Give it.
  • A series of strongly-worded letters.
  • Misspelled surnames on all your jerseys.
  • Solid metal ping-pong balls at the draft lottery.
  • No more home games.
  • No more home games and everybody but you gets jetpacks.
  • New dress code: chainmail only.
  • Back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-backs.
  • Everybody gets express written consent to re-broadcast and reproduce your broadcasts.
  • Distractible mop guys.
  • Only referees who have previously been mugged in your home city.
  • Pussycat Dolls.
  • Muppet fur in your lotion.
  • Guess what? You just signed Larry Hughes.
  • First 18,000 fans in attendance get a complimentary gong.
  • Ankles are now forbidden. No more ankles.
  • Slimy basketballs.
  • Moron Mountain is a real place. Just saying.
  • Droves of syphilitic hares.
  • A plate filled with what you think are delicious cookies but actually it’s just a picture of delicious cookies.
  • Boils.

Feel free to give David a hand with some more menacing phrases in the comments below.