This week, in the spirit of the holiday, we change things up a little bit. No, I’m not talking about being nice to one another, buying presents or any nonsense like that. I’m talking about the essence of the season — greed! Specifically, things I’d want as a fantasy basketball manager.
The following things would be nice to find left under our tree by Fantasy Basketball Santa, who is probably just Oliver Miller:
- Please come back to us Derrick Rose, Andrew Bynum, Dirk Nowitzki, Danny Granger, Eric Gordon, Amar’e Stoudemire and John Wall. You’ve all been missed, not because you’re great people, but because some of us have holes in production and you take up a roster spot. Where are you? Are you all hiding under Bynum’s helmet hair?
- Deron Williams, all I want for Christmas (and the rest of the season) is a higher field goal percentage. Is there something about wearing a Nets uniform that makes you shoot like crap? Since joining the team, you’re shooting 39.8 percent from the floor compared to 46.3 percent while with the Utah Jazz. Let’s pick it up, buddy. Honorable mention goes to Roy Hibbert, a 7-foot-2 man shooting 39.3 percent from the field. Seriously, WTF?
- Dwight Howard, you’re as good at making freebies as you are at making decisions. I can give a crap about the latter, but as much as you go to the free throw line, you need to get better at the former. Yes, this is the present I expect not to get. Sort of like Sofia Vergara pining for me.
- Kyrie Irving, take your vitamins, say your prayers and eat your vegetables. Sage advice from Hulk Hogan. You’re one of those “When healthy…” players when it comes to who the bests in the game are. Your contributions across the board are awesome, but missing 26 out of 93 games to start your career is not.
- Kobe Bryant, I’d like some of your blood. Not because I’m a vampire or a weirdo, but because I’d like to replicate the stem cells and use them as an ingredient in a beverage to mass market. It really has nothing to do with fantasy basketball, but it just had to be mentioned that Kobe is playing out of his mind right now. FYI, I’ll take Paul Pierce’s cells as a fall back.
- Dudes. Bros. You’re killing me right now with expectations for relatively great seasons not just not being met, but even failing to match your overall contributions from last season! I’m talking to you, Ty Lawson, Ersan Ilyasova and Isaiah Thomas (admittedly, it’s not his fault he plays for the Virginia Beach or wherever Kings). You need to pick it up, pick it up, pick it up to get back on the fantasy basketball scene.
- Greg Monroe, it’d be really dope if you could block shots. If you could do that, we’d all feel better about claiming you as one of the top fantasy basketball centers.
- Blake Griffin, stop being an overrated fantasy basketball player. Since your rookie season three years ago, you’ve regressed in the three main categories: points, assists and rebounds. Stop it.
- Tyreke Evans, your abilities and past production is such a tease. In a contract season, I really thought you’d do a lot better, but adding the unknown of whether or not you’re going to play really stinks. Hopefully, you move soon. And I don’t mean with the team. In the meantime, up your trade value because I own you in almost all my leagues. Thanks.
Quick Waiver Wire Suggestions (Because I Care)
Shannon Brown, SG, Phoenix Suns (25% owned in Yahoo! leagues)
Every week I check the wire, and every wee, Brown is ranked relatively high. He’s gone for 18.0 points and 2.3 triples in three games the past week. Dude is on fire! (Fourth down on the left column)
Jodie Meeks, SG, Los Angeles Lakers (21% owned in Yahoo! leagues)
A legit scoring threat off the bench and should continue to do well under Mike D’Antoni — 17.7 points and 3.7 treys in three games the past week. He must be drinking some Kobe blood or something.
Thabo Sefolosha, SG, Oklahoma City Thunder (11%)
With no more James Harden, Sefolosha is getting more burn (plus-7 minutes) compared to last season. In the past week, he averaged 8.8 points, 1.8 three pointers, 4.5 rebounds and 2.0 steals in 32 minutes of play. Nice production on the cheap.
Amir Johnson, PF/C, Toronto Raptors (10%)
After missing a game, he’s averaged 8.5 points on 70.6 percent shooting from the floor and 90.9 percent from the stripe, 7.5 rebounds, 1.5 assists, 1.5 steals and 1.8 blocks. Dang.
Number of Team Games in Week 9 (12/24-12/30)
Four Games: BKN, BOS, DEN, HOU, LAC, MIA
Three Games: ATL, CHA, CHI, CLE, DAL, DET, GSW, IND, LAL, MIL, NOR, NYK, OKC, ORL, PHI, PHO, POR, SAC, SAS, TOR, UTA, WAS
Two Games: MEM, MIN