Stephen Jackson sprained his ankle on Mayor Bloomberg’s ankle and now Gregg Popovich is doing his Spurs-y best to rid the NBA of sideline food ordering. I’m not joking. From Spurs Nation:

“After what happened, I have no doubt the league has contacted teams to make sure everybody shores up their discipline in that area,” he said. “It’s obvious people shouldn’t be ordering beers or Cokes or hot dogs when the game is going on.”

That’s right — no beers, Cokes or hot dogs during the game. Notice he makes no mention of where you can’t order, just that you shouldn’t be able to order food or drink during the game at all. He’s probably against nachos, Fiddle Faddle and manly nut snacks too, but that remains to be seen. Gregg Popovich wants your focus on the game, NOT on eating delicious, overpriced snacks. (This is probably why Boris Diaw has been effective as a Spur.)

However, it isn’t just the simple act of ordering food that Gregg Popovich hates — he’s also against a whole bunch of things that always happen at basketball games. For instance:

  • No smiling.
  • No asking if anyone is happy.
  • Don’t do the wave.
  • Don’t take a picture of the court and put it on Instagram.
  • SUB RULE: If you do Instagram a court photo, DO NOT use the Toaster filter.
  • Cheering for food-based promotions is prohibited.
  • When you go in to the bathroom, don’t take a middle urinal when the side ones are open. It’s weird.
  • No wearing a basketball jersey over a dress shirt.
  • Don’t look at the cheerleaders. They’re there to work out, not get creeped out.
  • Wash your hands in the restroom.
  • DO NOT make jokes about how the mascot is a little too fanciful for your tastes. That is his job.
  • No standing to cheer. It makes your feet stick out further, which is dangerous.
  • Better yet, no cheering for fans who have not either a) played in the NBA b) coached in the NBA or c) devoted your entire life to studying the game because you just don’t get it, OK?
  • Only fans in the upper level are allowed to carry their keys.
  • Don’t look at me.

I’m sure there are a host of other things that Gregg Popovich hates, but these are the most important. We can’t have fans having too much fun at the game, lest they forget to pay attention to what’s happening on the court. And seriously, don’t even think about eating when you’re around Pop. He can smell it on your breath.