I am a human, so sometimes I forget things. Generally, they are small, mostly unimportant things (“Aw crap, I forgot to return ‘Jonah Hex’ to Blockbuster”). Sometimes, they’re slightly bigger, slightly more consequential things (“Aw crap, I rented ‘Jonah Hex’ from Blockbuster”). And occasionally they are very nearly catastrophic things (my biggest blunder remains leaving our weeks-old twin sons at a restaurant table unattended while I went and got sweet tea, which, make sure you know, was as traumatic as watching Jonah Hex’). But still, I remember I was at a sports bar the last week of March 2012, and I remember that because that was the first time I watched JaVale McGee do something HYPER amazing in real time.

In the third quarter of a close (albeit boring) game, McGee swiped in and a stole a lazy pass from Jose Calderon to Andrea Bargnani. Rather than pass it off to his outlet, the lovely Ty Lawson, he instead kept it. He dribbled the length of the floor — he’s nine feet tall, don’t forget — spied that Calderon was the only one that had bothered to get back on defense, cockpunched gravity, then raised up and dunked it from, if I’m remembering correctly, right around halfcourt. Poor Jose Calderon was atomized. I believe they buried him the next day. It was a closed casket funeral.

I love JaVale McGee. I hope you do too. If you don’t, the least you can do is help him remember what he was thinking about earlier. Leave your handiwork in the comments or on our Facebook page.

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Comments (12)

  1. “Was I wearing one shoe for the whole game?”

  2. “Wait, you are telling me that I look like a giant J. Cole?”

  3. “Why come I wear Booster Gold’s costume now and Coach Saunders isn’t here no more?”

  4. “What the fuck is a goaltend?”

  5. “Where did I stash my weed again?”

  6. “Wait, where did I hide Marcin’s keys ?”

  7. Didn’t I want to try a dunk from the free throw line?

  8. “Why do they call it ‘drunk as a skunk?’ Do skunks even get that drunk?”
    - J. McGee

  9. “Lessee…momma’s in row 72, seat 51 tonight. If I get 8 blocks I will throw her the game ball. I just need to calculate for the trajectory and wind. 7251 times 8 = 58008.
    58008? Barney, North Dakota…you peeps getting free burritos tonight!”

  10. Where is everyone?

    What, the game ain’t in Denver tonight!?

  11. “So if Ty stole my shoe, does that count as a turnover for me?? Can I haz turnovers for triple double? Must let Ty take 10 shoes!”

  12. If i do a handstand, will my chin look like it has boobs made of hair?

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