On a recent TBJ podcast, the guys were debating nicknames for Kyrie Irving. I liked “Video Games,” and “Dr. K” had a certain panache to it, but the answer that I was inwardly screaming out while listening along on a crowded N train was one they eventually arrived at — the guy doesn’t need a nickname, his friggin’ name is Kyrie Irving. That’s a seriously great name, and the NBA is full of such players. Thinking about this for a minute, I quickly realized it would only be a matter of time until I attempted to rank every NBA player by how good their name was.
So I did that. How’d I do it? Well, assuming you’re more interested in hearing my criteria for ranking one NBA name over the other than hearing about the mechanics of my Google spreadsheeting, here were the basic guiding principles I used for doing it:
1. How much fun is your name to say or read? Obviously, this is gonna be the first and foremost qualification here. If you don’t understand fairly intuitively why Danilo Gallinari ranks higher than Daniel Orton, maybe this isn’t the list for you.
2. How much does your name ring out in the NBA? Has your name reached iconic status, almost apart from your qualifications as a player? Are you instantly recognizable by either your first or last name? Big plus if so.
3. How much does your name color our perception of you as an NBA player? Would we view you as a lesser or greater player with a different name? For instance, if Richard Jefferson swapped names with O.J. Mayo, I think we’d be a lot more interested in RJ as a player and a whole lot less interested in O.J.’s career.
4. How close does your name match your style as a player? Does your name fit, basically? If you’re a bruising rebounder and post player, do you have a tough-sounding name? If you’re a smooth playmaker and a decisive cutter to the basket, is your name flashy and movie star-ish? This is important.
5. Is your name distinctive? This is the most important baseline qualification to ranking high on this list. If your name sounds like it could be a name shared by thousands of other North Americans, then that’s not a good thing. Unless, of course, that anonymity fits into your style of play. This is called the Joe Johnson Corollary.
6. If you have a well-circulated nickname, does that enhance or diminish your actual name? For instance, Nick Young’s nickname of Swaggy P is so perfect and pervasive that it renders his real name virutally irrelevant, whereas the fact that JaVale McGee occasionally refers to himself as Pierre just makes the fact that his real name is JaVale McGee even more incredible.
7. How much do I like your name for no particular reason? Can I really explain why I like Ekpe Udoh’s name so much more than Beno Udrih’s? Probably not. A lot of times, I just had to go with my gut.
And it’d be naive of me to pretend that this list isn’t hugely influenced by how good and interesting the players themselves are. The name on your birth certificate might read Smoothness Aparicio, but if you’re only getting the garbagest of garbage time for the Sacramento Kings, I’m still probably not gonna find room for you in my top 75. Conversely, players given a great deal of exposure have had a surplus of opportunity for their names to start to make sense to me, and to be given added meaning from how much I know of them as players and personalities. That’s not to say that it’s all All-Stars towards the top or scrubs towards the bottom. But generally on this list, being notable helps. Unfair perhaps, but that’s just how I see it. (I also tried not to overvalue names with funny pronunciations or spellings, though of course it played a part.)
As for how I came up with the list of players to work with, I took the 500 players that made ESPN’s NBA Player Rankings over the summer, then removed the 74 players who did not play this year due to retirement or inability to land PT with any team, and ranked from there. Consequently, a couple players who did not appear likely in the early offseason to be NBA entities in the season to come are missing from the list — perhaps most notably, Rasheed Wallace, who likely would have ranked in the top 20 were he included. (Sorry, ‘Sheed.) I also tried to use the exact names listed for each player on the ESPN ranking as the name I evaluated, in the case of certain players (Mike Conley, Richard Hamilton, Perry Jones) who sometimes see their names listed in different ways.
Finally, due to the gargantuan nature of this list, I did not bother providing written explanations for any of my ranked choices. However, should you have any inquiries as to why I ranked a certain player as I did, I would be happy to answer all of them, within reason, in the comments section or on Twitter. Or just let me know your own Top Whatever lists, that’d be cool too.
And now, the list:
426 James Jones
425 James Johnson
424 Rodney Stuckey
423 George Hill
422 Daniel Gibson
421 Chris Andersen
420 Martell Webster
419 Mike James
418 Kevin Murphy
417 Mike Scott
416 Will Barton
415 Quincy Miller
414 Gerald Henderson
413 Marvin Williams
412 Mario Chalmers
411 James Anderson
410 Jeffrey Taylor
409 Darius Morris
408 James White
407 Orlando Johnson
406 Gerald Green
405 Ed Davis
404 Kent Bazemore
403 Greg Smith
402 Lance Thomas
401 Darius Miller
400 Earl Watson
399 Richard Jefferson
398 Donald Sloan
397 John Jenkins
396 Charles Jenkins
395 Mike Conley
394 Terrence Jones
393 Reggie Williams
392 John Salmons
391 Amir Johnson
390 Richard Hamilton
389 Elliot Williams
388 Josh Harrellson
387 Glen Davis
386 Mo Williams
385 Aaron Brooks
384 Jason Richardson
383 Jeremy Pargo
382 Ryan Hollins
381 Nolan Smith
380 Sam Young
379 Lou Williams
378 John Henson
377 Malcolm Lee
376 DeMarre Carroll
375 Sasha Pavlovic
374 Damion James
373 Daniel Orton
372 Willie Green
371 Jason Collins
370 Jordan Hamilton
369 Ryan Anderson
368 Jodie Meeks
367 Wayne Ellington
366 DeSagana Diop
365 Anthony Davis
364 Francisco Garcia
363 Charlie Villanueva
362 Dominique Jones
361 Tobias Harris
360 Jeremy Evans
359 Chris Wilcox
358 Ben Gordon
357 Cory Higgins
356 Kendall Marshall
355 Jeff Pendergraph
354 Johan Petro
353 Damien Wilkins
352 Wesley Johnson
351 Jason Smith
350 Kevin Martin
349 Matt Carroll
348 Gary Neal
347 Roy Hibbert
346 Jannero Pargo
345 Shaun Livingston
344 Kirk Hinrich
343 Mike Dunleavy
342 Brandan Wright
341 Chris Duhon
340 Kris Humphries
339 Marcus Morris
338 Jared Cunningham
337 David Lee
336 Greg Monroe
335 Udonis Haslem
334 AJ Price
333 Al Jefferson
332 Alan Anderson
331 Ronnie Price
330 Troy Murphy
329 Bernard James
328 Terrence Ross
327 Thomas Robinson
326 Anthony Randolph
325 Cory Joseph
324 Arnett Moultrie
323 Chris Singleton
322 Carl Landry
321 Marc Gasol
320 Terrel Harris
319 Byron Mullens
318 Ramon Sessions
317 Marcus Thornton
316 Beno Udrih
315 Thaddeus Young
314 Darrell Arthur
313 John Lucas III
312 Chris Kaman
311 Josh Smith
310 Lazar Hayward
309 Dominic McGuire
308 Marquis Daniels
307 Trevor Booker
306 Steve Blake
305 Al Horford
304 Perry Jones
303 Daequan Cook
302 Jon Leuer
301 Andrew Nicholson
300 Zach Randolph
299 Drew Gooden
298 Jason Thompson
297 Anthony Tolliver
296 Norris Cole
295 Julyan Stone
294 Jeff Green
293 Joel Anthony
292 Shannon Brown
291 Landry Fields
290 Rashard Lewis
289 Steve Novak
288 Grant Hill
287 Dante Cunningham
286 Lavoy Allen
285 Jared Jeffries
284 Kurt Thomas
283 Samuel Dalembert
282 Tony Parker
281 Cartier Martin
280 Cole Aldrich
279 Eddy Curry
278 Khris Middleton
277 Eric Maynor
276 Kris Joseph
275 Nick Young
274 Luke Walton
273 Earl Clark
272 Greg Stiemsma
271 Linas Kleiza
270 Patrick Patterson
269 Jeremy Tyler
268 Bradly Beal
267 Jameer Nelson
266 Victor Claver
265 Josh Selby
264 DeAndre Liggins
263 Al Harrington
262 Derrick Williams
261 Kendrick Perkins
260 Luis Scola
259 CJ Watson
258 Dexter Pittman
257 Dorell Wright
256 Carlos Delfino
255 Robert Sacre
254 Paul Millsap
253 Kim English
252 Ronny Turiaf
251 Gordon Hayward
250 Luke Ridnour
249 Travis Outlaw
248 Stephen Jackson
247 E’Twaun Moore
246 Jan Vesely
245 Jonas Jerebko
244 Ronnie Brewer
243 Tyler Zeller
242 Doron Lamb
241 Mickael Pietrus
240 Nikola Vucevic
239 Patty Mills
238 Danny Green
237 Jared Dudley
236 Mike Miller
235 Dwight Howard
234 Aaron Gray
233 Josh Howard
232 LaMarcus Aldridge
231 Anthony Morrow
230 Devin Ebanks
229 Elton Brand
228 Raymond Felton
227 Jeremy Lamb
226 Tornike Shengelia
225 Vladimir Radmanovic
224 Jordan Hill
223 Matt Barnes
222 Isaiah Thomas
221 Jason Maxiell
220 Miles Plumlee
219 Jamaal Tinsley
218 DeAndre Jordan
217 Tyler Honeycutt
216 Kevin Seraphin
215 Samardo Samuels
214 Tyrus Thomas
213 Josh McRoberts
212 Hakim Warrick
211 Gerald Wallace
210 Derek Fisher
209 John Wall
208 Will Bynum
207 Matt Bonner
206 Xavier Henry
205 Michael Beasley
204 Wilson Chandler
203 Jonas Valanciunas
202 Eric Gordon
201 Evan Turner
200 Kyle O’Quinn
199 Alonzo Gee
198 Avery Bradley
197 CJ Miles
196 Leandro Barbosa
195 Andris Biedrins
194 Meyers Leonard
193 Dahntay Jones
192 Chuck Hayes
191 Wesley Matthews
190 Devin Harris
189 James Harden
188 Shelvin Mack
187 Damien Lillard
186 Luke Babbitt
185 Quincy Pondexter
184 DJ Augustin
183 Spencer Hawes
182 Mirza Teletovic
181 Jordan Crawford
180 Enes Kanter
179 Jeff Teague
178 Evan Fournier
177 Joel Przybilla
176 Brendan Haywood
175 Brandon Rush
174 Reggie Jackson
173 Larry Sanders
172 Austin Daye
171 Ekpe Udoh
170 Marco Belinelli
169 Andrew Bynum
168 Kyle Singler
167 Donatas Motiejunas
166 Nate Robinson
165 Carlos Boozer
164 Royal Ivey
163 Chris Paul
162 Jamal Crawford
161 Randy Foye
160 Tyshawn Taylor
159 Brandon Knight
158 Sebastian Telfair
157 Danny Granger
156 Corey Maggette
155 Russell Westbrook
154 DeJuan Blair
153 Jose Juan Barea
152 Alec Burks
151 Lance Stephenson
150 Chase Budinger
149 Josh Childress
148 Marquis Teague
147 Louis Amundson
146 Brandon Bass
145 Marreese Speights
144 Thabo Sefolosha
143 Draymond Green
142 Tristan Thompson
141 Channing Frye
140 Hamed Haddadi
139 Omri Casspi
138 Nazr Mohammed
137 Vince Carter
136 Andrew Bogut
135 Markieff Morris
134 Courtney Lee
133 Tony Allen
132 Festus Ezeli
131 JJ Hickson
130 Nicolas Batum
129 Austin Rivers
128 David West
127 Jason Terry
126 Quincy Acy
125 Jerryd Bayless
124 Klay Thompson
123 Monta Ellis
122 Jared Sullinger
121 Corey Brewer
120 Moe Harkless
119 Jose Calderon
118 Trevor Ariza
117 Ishmael Smith
116 Deron Williams
115 Timofey Mozgov
114 Lamar Odom
113 Eric Bledsoe
112 Gustavo Ayon
111 Pau Gasol
110 Al-Farouq Aminu
109 Hedo Turkoglu
108 Toney Douglas
107 Kosta Koufos
106 MarShon Brooks
105 Ty Lawson
104 Emeka Okafor
103 Kevin Garnett
102 Tayshaun Prince
101 Boris Diaw
100 Andre Miller
99 Andre Iguodala
98 Kenneth Faried
97 Harrison Barnes
96 Omir Asik
95 Blake Griffin
94 Derrick Favors
93 Ian Mahinmi
92 Taj Gibson
91 Tyler Hansbrough
90 Reggie Evans
89 Marcin Gortat
88 Kyle Korver
87 DeShawn Stevenson
86 Tim Duncan
85 Jerry Stackhouse
84 Jarrett Jack
83 Chauncey Billups
82 Kyle Lowry
81 Marcus Camby
80 Ivan Johnson
79 Andrea Bargnani
78 Alexey Shved
77 Arron Afflalo
76 Tyreke Evans
75 Fab Melo
74 Tiago Splitter
73 Kwame Brown
72 Nick Collison
71 Darren Collison
70 Jeremy Lin
69 Brook Lopez
68 Robin Lopez
67 Goran Dragic
66 Nene
65 Paul Pierce
64 Pablo Prigioni
63 Chandler Parsons
62 JJ Redick
61 Nikola Pekovic
60 Anderson Varejao
59 Rodrigue Beaubois
58 Tony Wroten
57 Shawn Marion
56 Hasheem Thabeet
55 Luol Deng
54 Dion Waiters
53 Ray Allen
52 Kevin Love
51 Kemba Walker
50 Tyson Chandler
49 Andre Drummond
48 Jimmy Butler
47 Shane Battier
46 Stephen Curry
45 Chris Bosh
44 J.R. Smith
43 Jae Crowder
42 Steve Nash
41 Paul George
40 Serge Ibaka
39 Caron Butler
38 Zaza Pachulia
37 Jason Kidd
36 Antawn Jamison
35 Ersan Ilyasova
34 Kawhi Leonard
33 Rudy Gay
32 Luc Richard Mbah a Moute
31 DeMar DeRozan
30 Andrei Kirilenko
29 Kevin Durant
28 Iman Shumpert
27 Andray Blatche
26 Brandon Jennings
25 Danilo Gallinari
24 Greivis Vasquez
23 Bismack Biyombo
22 Brandon Roy
21 Amar’e Stoudemire
20 Joakim Noah
19 Manu Ginobili
18 Dirk Nowitzki
17 DeMarcus Cousins
16 Jimmer Fredette
15 Joe Johnson
14 Kyrie Irving
13 Derrick Rose
12 Michael Kidd-Gilchrist
11 Dwyane Wade
10 Jrue Holiday
9 OJ Mayo
8 Darko Milicic
7 JaVale McGee
6 LeBron James
5 Metta World Peace
4 Rajon Rondo
3 Ricky Rubio
2 Carmelo Anthony
1 Kobe Bryant
I dont care how you came up with this vote, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute is the best name in the NBA.
Hahaha you have a point
Definitely a top five name in terms of sheer naminess, but player doesn’t do enough with it to be a #1 contender.
425 James Johnson
15 Joe Johnson
Thabo Sefelosha is my favourite name in the NBA.
He definitely sounds the most like a Jedi.
General Greivis Vasquez.
General Grievous was not a Jedi. This is the internet, step your nerd game up.
eeeaaaammaaahhnnn SHUMpert!
This must have taken a while.. good work Trey!
johan petro, kirk hinrich and chris wilcox deserved to be higher
johan petro, other than his peers with russian-y names, sounds like a KGB-agent-james-bond-villiany type
kirk hinrich makes me think of captain kirk, which is way cooler than thinking of kirk hinrich when thinking of kirk hinrich. not many players names have that ability
chris wilcox, because I have the mind of a 12 year old and cox
other than that a great list and congrats on finding a way of spending your time on stuff like that and maintaining a comfortable living standard ;)
Kirk Hinrich only works with the “Captain” nickname, and I tried not to let assumed nicknames influence the ranking.
Fair point on Johan and Wilcox.
I knew it, I just knew Kobe will be number 1 scrolling insanely fast down the list, can’t argue with that. As for the other names, not bad at all, but everyone would obviously have different criteria and taste. Fun idea :)
P.S. I scrolled so fast I hit the bottom of the page, my eyes felt that.
Juan Jose Barea is wayyyy too low!
Rubio should be #1
This was one where the ESPN listing really hurt it. “JJ Barea” would be in the top 50 for sure, “Jose Juan,” not quite.
Damnit, I just proved to myself why JJ Barea is so low.
Quincy Miller is a good name. Regardless of talent, it’s a cool name.
2 reasons. He shares a surname with a brand of beer and also Andre Miller.
His first name is Quincy. Simple
Kobe Bryant is a good choice because it depends on if you’re saying it or if Charles Barkley is saying it.
“Koh-bee.”
“Koh-beh.”
Good. List!!!!!!!!!
DeSagana Diop is far too low. Should be top ten.
Personal prejudice here I guess. I can never remember which part of his first name is silent, and that irritates me.
The D is silent.
how is joe johnson #15?
Joe Johnson has the perfect name for his style of play and what people think of him. He’s just kind of there, producing statistics while being anonymous. An anonymous guy like him deserves a truly basic name. That’s why he’s so high.
Bingo. (Alluded to above as “The Joe Johnson Corrolary.”)
Arron Afflalo was robbed. Top 10 for alliteration alone.
Yes, one of my immediate thoughts upon further reflection was that Afflalo’s ranking was far too low.
Not to nerd up the joint, but his name is an example of assonance, not alliteration since A is a vowel and alliteration only applies to consonant sounds.
Public school, bitches.
How is Joe Johnson so high??????? This makes no sense
Vasquez is an underrated name
Greivis is underrated.
fab melo outside of the top 20 is a travesty.
For what it’s worth, he’s by far the highest-ranked of any player who basically hasn’t played at all this (or any other) year.
It’s interesting that the best names are also some of the best players. Is their name great, because we think they are great? Or does giving your kid a great name help inspire them towards greatness?
Nandooooo De Colooooooooo
Oh HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL YES.
In Australia we would rank anyone named Quincy much higher than 415.
Quincy is such a great name.
My fav name to say is Marcin Gortart – super fun to say in a fake announcer voice.
Roddy Beaubois is also fun.
Love this list
I now want to hear Leigh say, “MARCIIIIIIIN GOOOOORTAAAAAAAT!” as if he’s announcing the starting lineups.
Fab Melo. His name is Fab. Melo.
His name is FAB. MELO.
My criteria:
How happy would you be naming your son after them?
Eg.
Man #1: my son is called Dwight.
Man #2: after Dwight Howard? He’s a pussy. Poor kid.
Man #1: why? What’s your son called then?
Man #2: well, my oldest is called Kenneth…
Man #1: that’s an old mans name!
Man #2: …named after Kenneth Faried.
Man #1: ah, that’s pretty cool.
Man #2: and my youngest is called Kyrie.
Man #1: oh damn, you’re right. My son’s name sucks!
I was introduced to a 4 year old named “LeBron” last weekend. I know it’s very “Cool story, bro” but it was quite surreal.
Pau Gasol that low is a travesty. I mean, PAU.
c’mon man
Had Pau been an Andre Drummond-like, he definitely would be worth a Pau/Pow. But kinda doesn’t fit as it is.
tim duncan. hes not a known for jammin’ but his last name is freaking DUNCAN
It’s a good, simple name, and fits his style well, but for a lesser player I don’t think we give it a second glance. And even if “Duncan” does sound like “dunking” (which to be honest I’d never considered), that doesn’t exactly fit his personality.
But you have to appreciate the irony of a basketball player named “Duncan” who is revered for being so fundamentally sound.
Eh. If there’s one irony-proof NBA player, it’s Tim Duncan.
Bismack Biyombo…tell me that guy has a nickname.
Man #3: my son’s name is Fab Melo. I win
Greatest NBA name of all time?
World B. Free
Possibly, but a large part of me thinks there has never been (and will likely never be) a better NBA name than Kobe Bryant.
His NBA tenure was exceedingly brief, but God Shammgod must be #1.
Joe Johnson at 15?
Sir, what kind of crack do you smoke?
There is no player name on this list nearly so technically accurate as “Joe Johnson.” For that I think #15 is a fair ranking.
Only the finest of course, how about you? Are we comparing our crack stashes now?
Anyways, good list. Too bad Demar DeRozan is such a dull person or he would be much higher on this list, his name has such personality, what a waste
too much time on your hands
It’s Damian Lillard…. not Damien… come on TBJ. Just for that he should move up a few spots.
I think that would move him down a few, actually.
ya ya ya you know what I meant
i cant believe thescore pays you to do this shit….
Andrea Bargnani is my favourite name to say out loud.
I’m not even a fan of Rodney Stuckey, but seriously, try and say his name 3 times fast without laughing. You’ll just wanna say it over and over.. “Rodney Stuckey, Rodney Stuckey, Rodney Stuckey!”
Hurt significantly by the Pistons announcer’s shrieking call of “Roooodddneyyyy STUCKEY!! (STUCKEY!! STUCKEY!!)” at the Palace.
Also, I hate everything about the guy.
Ahhh, very true. I just think he should be a top 100 name. Just a hilarious sounding first-last name combination
This is awsome. But I’ve no idea how Jimmy Butler got listed ahead of this guy:
http://translate.google.dk/?hl=da&tab=wT#fr/da/Rodrigue%20Beaubois
Maybe some recency bias here, I’ve been crushing on all things Jimmy Butler pretty hard lately.
My top five is by the way:
Rodrigue Beaubois
JaVale McGee
Rajon Rondo
O.J. Mayo
Joe Johnson (Joe Johnson is hillarious, because it’s almost too normal to be true. Sounds like a anonymous murder victim from a CSI)
I like Kevin Love for the same reasons I like Derrick Rose. It just sounds like a made-up character. Plus for a guy who’s personal aesthetic basically seems to be White Guy New Jack Swing, his look and name are a perfect fit.
Chris Wilcox is a great name, also Tim Duncan should be a little higher, but thats just my personal opinion I guess. What about Hakim Warrick? he should be higher, his name fits too good with his dunks.. Great list though, Bismack Biyombo is gold ;)
Nick Young got 275. Nick :Swagy P” Young would have been number 1.
Yeah, I may have to do a revised list to include nicknames sometime soon. Swaggy P would certainly be a contender.
Nick Youth makes sense because he does dumb things that young people do. Should be higher IMO.
Will Barton at 416 is an outrage! He is clearly in the top 410!
You Sound INSANE!
Jonas Valanciunas is one of my favs…
and if Dikembe Mutombo still played, where would he rank?
and i forgot about uncle drew
Could see Jonas growing on me over the years, we’ll see.
Would be pretty hard to keep Deke out of the top ten.
mutombo would be in my top ten, LOCK IT IN!
knew this was just going to be another way to indirectly slurp kobe
It’s times like this where I wish that Dikembe Mutombo still played… I mean the dudes full name is Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo. Best name ever.
Are you serious? DeMar DeRozan is the sickest name of all timeee!!
Tyrone “Muggsy” Bogues is top on both regular and nickname lists
James Jones bottom? He doesn’t get any point for having a name like a superhero’s secret identity?
No. Zero points for James Jones.
in the ‘name that just fits the player’ realm, i feel carlos boozer is overlooked. such a perfect name for him. also, russell westbrook. i can’t explain this one, but it just feels right.
How come Gasol brothers can be separated by over 200 positions? My favorite is Iman Shumpert by far ( always waiting for Tas to say it on a show).
Because Pau is a much better and more interesting first name than Marc?
I don’t know what’s more pathetic. The fact that you made this list, or the fact that I read it. Nonetheless, the player formerly known as Ron Artest should be in last. Changed his name to the dunmbest name I have ever heard.
96. Omer Asik not Omir
DeMar DeRozan should be higher. Coolest name I’ve ever heard.
Russell Westbrook is to high; should be around 300. We still do not know if he is a dog or a cat.
Wikipedia “Griffin” and tell me how I’m not in the top 5
this list got me wondering, wouldn’t Diarrhea be a lovely woman’s name if it didn’t refer to explosive poop?
anyhow, good list overall. I’m glad Rondo and Rubio got appreciated. both are terrific names. although if you are a point guard with a last name that starts with ‘R’ your ACL is in imminent danger (Rose, Rubio, Rondo) —this is not a coincidence, folks.
I also think Blake Griffin got snubbed. Not only does it have a great ring to it, Griffins are known for flight, and Blake fits the name better than just about anyone. Bradley Beal got overlooked too. as did Lazar “The Czar” Hawyard.
His name even has a song:
https://soundcloud.com/wallpaper/blake-griffinin
A great whetever list: great middle names (although probably done a million times by you dinosaurs).
Larry Demetric Johnson.
Fortunately, I did not have a son, so my wife and I could argue about him being named Demetric.
Patrick Aloysius Ewing
Picture Ewing warrior face, then put him an hawaian shirt on, and a flower necklace. It’s like the old trick of picturing your enemy naked, or having a dump. The enemy instantly loses all credibility.
Lucien James Longley
Once retired, I’m amost positive Longley became some kind of Alfred Pennyworth.
David Maurice Robinson
Private love for the maurice name. It has to do with this http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1986/03/02 .
My kid would have been Demetric-maurice, and I’d be wifeless.
John Houston Stockton
I like Stockton as an evil Texas businessman coming out of the Dallas TV show. But you want more texas? I’ll give you MORE TEXAS:
Clyde Austin Drexler
Texasest texan name.
Middle names are gold (re read it with Leigh’s voice). You can digress on the Rashauns and the Fontaines for hours.
By the way, Fontaine is for Latrell Fontaine Sprewell. I mean, give Sprewell’s parents a trophy. Pardon my language, but The only way to top that would have been Latrell Fµcking Fontaine Sprewell.
Great stuff, this.
The middle name is the real reason why Kobe Bean Bryant is #1.
JaVale McGee has 4 capital letters in his name. That should get bonus points. It also rhymes with McGoo, which suits his face so well.
And it just seems like a name that he’d choose for himself. Like if Javale wasn’t called JaVale, but something like Brett, he would definitely change his name to JaVale
btw, what would be the over/under of guessing which players have changed their names (like Ron Artest) by someone who knew nothing about the NBA would guess. I say 490. Even a name like Joe Johnson would arouse suspicion. Surely no parent with the surname Johnson would name their child Joe, right???
First of all, terrific list.
I’d have liked to see Leandro Barbosa rank a little higher
& Jared Dudley, thats surely a last place vote getter..
C’mon, Bismack Biyombo! That’s the top of the list.
EHHHHHHHHH MAAAAAANNNNN SHUUUUUMMMMM PERRRRRTTTTT!!!!! should be number 1
I think one of the NBA teams should draft and sign KoKo Archibong from the Nigerian Olympic team just so he can play >= 1 game and get on the list. Hey, he was captain of the Penn team, the guy must be able to play. He has supplanted Luc-Richard Mbah A Moute as #1 on my own personal all-time great name list.
Great list, but my criteria is mostly based on how often I yell their name while watching them play. By default, my #1 is Rajon Rondo, because man I love to say “RONDO! RONDOOO!”
I’d downgrade Carmelo Anthony just for the horrible way the Knicks annoucer says it, it’s like he’s fricking Oprah : Carmelooo AnthonAAAAAAAAAY!
I want to strangle him every time…
Rajon Rondo and Javale McGee are among my favorites, aswell as Rodrigue Beaubois…
also like fab melo as a top 10. if jonny flynn was still in the nba, he should be a top 5.
Ray Allen -no. 53
Jesus Shuttlesworth – no.1
Gotta love Darko Milicic at 8!
I bet this list would be a little different if you said the names with exaggerated accents from the country of origin- in particular- Tony Parker with a ridiculous French accent is amazing, Tim Duncan with island accent, Andrei Kirilenko with your worst Russian supervillain accent, any Australian player, and of course- the best NBA name ever-…
Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje
A name so nice, you have to say it twice.
–”Hi, I’m Ruben and you’re a wiener.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOPYf88Kp2Y
–Also, here’s a German announcer saying his name- basketball is beautiful in any language if Booumtje-Boumtje is in the game.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0qcMWYbmI0
–There’s a sublime song his German fans sing for at least a third of this 5 minute interview.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=Oor5fjY1ssU
Boumtje-Boumtje is probably the best
I need to high-five you.
That second youtube clip was life changing.
Spent 10 minutes thinking of Classics: Dikembe Mutombo, Manute Bol, Mugsey Bogues, Anfernree Hardaway, Pops Mensa-Bonsu, Cherokee Parks, Julius Erving, Charles Barkley, Pape Sy, Norm Nixon, Raef LaFrentz, Darius Miles, Karl Malone, Salim Stoudamire, Clarence Weatherspoon, Brian Grant (paradoxical), Bison Dele, Lew Alcindor, Tom Chambers, Dennis Rodman, Hersey Hawkins, Alonzo Mourning, Larry Bird (ironic), Ndu Ebi, Gordon Giricek, Hakeem Olajawon, Isaiah Rider, Jamal Mashburn, Rod Strickland, Doug Christie (somehow having a female nickname as a last name fit perfectly)
These are all great, of course. Maybe not Tom Chambers.
Eh, might have been a reach. Kinda reminds me of a gunslinger’s name. “The stagecoach was robbed by the Tom Chambers gang”
Maybe replace him with Kurt Rambis
Another Sixer: Vonteego Cummings
Good list, but worth noting that Muggsy was a nickname for Mr. Tyrone Bogues.
How is Joe Johnson’s name any better than James Jones or James Johnson?