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On a recent TBJ podcast, the guys were debating nicknames for Kyrie Irving. I liked “Video Games,” and “Dr. K” had a certain panache to it, but the answer that I was inwardly screaming out while listening along on a crowded N train was one they eventually arrived at — the guy doesn’t need a nickname, his friggin’ name is Kyrie Irving. That’s a seriously great name, and the NBA is full of such players. Thinking about this for a minute, I quickly realized it would only be a matter of time until I attempted to rank every NBA player by how good their name was.

So I did that. How’d I do it? Well, assuming you’re more interested in hearing my criteria for ranking one NBA name over the other than hearing about the mechanics of my Google spreadsheeting, here were the basic guiding principles I used for doing it:

1. How much fun is your name to say or read? Obviously, this is gonna be the first and foremost qualification here. If you don’t understand fairly intuitively why Danilo Gallinari ranks higher than Daniel Orton, maybe this isn’t the list for you.

2. How much does your name ring out in the NBA? Has your name reached iconic status, almost apart from your qualifications as a player? Are you instantly recognizable by either your first or last name? Big plus if so.

3. How much does your name color our perception of you as an NBA player? Would we view you as a lesser or greater player with a different name? For instance, if Richard Jefferson swapped names with O.J. Mayo, I think we’d be a lot more interested in RJ as a player and a whole lot less interested in O.J.’s career.

4. How close does your name match your style as a player? Does your name fit, basically? If you’re a bruising rebounder and post player, do you have a tough-sounding name? If you’re a smooth playmaker and a decisive cutter to the basket, is your name flashy and movie star-ish? This is important.

5. Is your name distinctive? This is the most important baseline qualification to ranking high on this list. If your name sounds like it could be a name shared by thousands of other North Americans, then that’s not a good thing. Unless, of course, that anonymity fits into your style of play. This is called the Joe Johnson Corollary.

6. If you have a well-circulated nickname, does that enhance or diminish your actual name? For instance, Nick Young’s nickname of Swaggy P is so perfect and pervasive that it renders his real name virutally irrelevant, whereas the fact that JaVale McGee occasionally refers to himself as Pierre just makes the fact that his real name is JaVale McGee even more incredible.

7. How much do I like your name for no particular reason? Can I really explain why I like Ekpe Udoh’s name so much more than Beno Udrih’s? Probably not. A lot of times, I just had to go with my gut.

And it’d be naive of me to pretend that this list isn’t hugely influenced by how good and interesting the players themselves are. The name on your birth certificate might read Smoothness Aparicio, but if you’re only getting the garbagest of garbage time for the Sacramento Kings, I’m still probably not gonna find room for you in my top 75. Conversely, players given a great deal of exposure have had a surplus of opportunity for their names to start to make sense to me, and to be given added meaning from how much I know of them as players and personalities. That’s not to say that it’s all All-Stars towards the top or scrubs towards the bottom. But generally on this list, being notable helps. Unfair perhaps, but that’s just how I see it. (I also tried not to overvalue names with funny pronunciations or spellings, though of course it played a part.)

As for how I came up with the list of players to work with, I took the 500 players that made ESPN’s NBA Player Rankings over the summer, then removed the 74 players who did not play this year due to retirement or inability to land PT with any team, and ranked from there. Consequently, a couple players who did not appear likely in the early offseason to be NBA entities in the season to come are missing from the list — perhaps most notably, Rasheed Wallace, who likely would have ranked in the top 20 were he included. (Sorry, ‘Sheed.) I also tried to use the exact names listed for each player on the ESPN ranking as the name I evaluated, in the case of certain players (Mike Conley, Richard Hamilton, Perry Jones) who sometimes see their names listed in different ways.

Finally, due to the gargantuan nature of this list, I did not bother providing written explanations for any of my ranked choices. However, should you have any inquiries as to why I ranked a certain player as I did, I would be happy to answer all of them, within reason, in the comments section or on Twitter. Or just let me know your own Top Whatever lists, that’d be cool too.

And now, the list:

426    James Jones
425    James Johnson
424    Rodney Stuckey
423    George Hill
422    Daniel Gibson
421    Chris Andersen
420   Martell Webster
419    Mike James
418    Kevin Murphy
417    Mike Scott
416    Will Barton
415    Quincy Miller
414    Gerald Henderson
413    Marvin Williams
412    Mario Chalmers
411    James Anderson
410    Jeffrey Taylor
409    Darius Morris
408    James White
407    Orlando Johnson
406    Gerald Green
405    Ed Davis
404    Kent Bazemore
403    Greg Smith
402    Lance Thomas
401    Darius Miller
400    Earl Watson
399    Richard Jefferson
398    Donald Sloan
397    John Jenkins
396    Charles Jenkins
395    Mike Conley
394    Terrence Jones
393    Reggie Williams
392    John Salmons
391    Amir Johnson
390    Richard Hamilton
389    Elliot Williams
388    Josh Harrellson
387    Glen Davis
386    Mo Williams
385    Aaron Brooks
384    Jason Richardson
383    Jeremy Pargo
382    Ryan Hollins
381    Nolan Smith
380    Sam Young
379    Lou Williams
378    John Henson
377    Malcolm Lee
376    DeMarre Carroll
375    Sasha Pavlovic
374    Damion James
373    Daniel Orton
372    Willie Green
371    Jason Collins
370    Jordan Hamilton
369    Ryan Anderson
368    Jodie Meeks
367    Wayne Ellington
366    DeSagana Diop
365    Anthony Davis
364    Francisco Garcia
363    Charlie Villanueva
362    Dominique Jones
361    Tobias Harris
360    Jeremy Evans
359    Chris Wilcox
358    Ben Gordon
357    Cory Higgins
356    Kendall Marshall
355    Jeff Pendergraph
354    Johan Petro
353    Damien Wilkins
352    Wesley Johnson
351    Jason Smith
350    Kevin Martin
349    Matt Carroll
348    Gary Neal
347    Roy Hibbert
346    Jannero Pargo
345    Shaun Livingston
344    Kirk Hinrich
343    Mike Dunleavy
342    Brandan Wright
341    Chris Duhon
340    Kris Humphries
339    Marcus Morris
338    Jared Cunningham
337    David Lee
336    Greg Monroe
335    Udonis Haslem
334    AJ Price
333    Al Jefferson
332    Alan Anderson
331    Ronnie Price
330    Troy Murphy
329    Bernard James
328    Terrence Ross
327    Thomas Robinson
326    Anthony Randolph
325    Cory Joseph
324    Arnett Moultrie
323    Chris Singleton
322    Carl Landry
321    Marc Gasol
320    Terrel Harris
319    Byron Mullens
318    Ramon Sessions
317    Marcus Thornton
316    Beno Udrih
315    Thaddeus Young
314    Darrell Arthur
313    John Lucas III
312    Chris Kaman
311    Josh Smith
310    Lazar Hayward
309    Dominic McGuire
308    Marquis Daniels
307    Trevor Booker
306    Steve Blake
305    Al Horford
304    Perry Jones
303    Daequan Cook
302    Jon Leuer
301    Andrew Nicholson
300    Zach Randolph
299    Drew Gooden
298    Jason Thompson
297    Anthony Tolliver
296    Norris Cole
295    Julyan Stone
294    Jeff Green
293    Joel Anthony
292    Shannon Brown
291    Landry Fields
290    Rashard Lewis
289    Steve Novak
288    Grant Hill
287    Dante Cunningham
286    Lavoy Allen
285    Jared Jeffries
284    Kurt Thomas
283    Samuel Dalembert
282    Tony Parker
281    Cartier Martin
280    Cole Aldrich
279    Eddy Curry
278    Khris Middleton
277    Eric Maynor
276    Kris Joseph
275    Nick Young
274    Luke Walton
273    Earl Clark
272    Greg Stiemsma
271    Linas Kleiza
270    Patrick Patterson
269    Jeremy Tyler
268    Bradly Beal
267    Jameer Nelson
266    Victor Claver
265    Josh Selby
264    DeAndre Liggins
263    Al Harrington
262    Derrick Williams
261    Kendrick Perkins
260    Luis Scola
259    CJ Watson
258    Dexter Pittman
257    Dorell Wright
256    Carlos Delfino
255    Robert Sacre
254    Paul Millsap
253    Kim English
252    Ronny Turiaf
251    Gordon Hayward
250    Luke Ridnour
249    Travis Outlaw
248    Stephen Jackson
247    E’Twaun Moore
246    Jan Vesely
245    Jonas Jerebko
244    Ronnie Brewer
243    Tyler Zeller
242    Doron Lamb
241    Mickael Pietrus
240    Nikola Vucevic
239    Patty Mills
238    Danny Green
237    Jared Dudley
236    Mike Miller
235    Dwight Howard
234    Aaron Gray
233    Josh Howard
232    LaMarcus Aldridge
231    Anthony Morrow
230    Devin Ebanks
229    Elton Brand
228    Raymond Felton
227    Jeremy Lamb
226    Tornike Shengelia
225    Vladimir Radmanovic
224    Jordan Hill
223    Matt Barnes
222    Isaiah Thomas
221    Jason Maxiell
220    Miles Plumlee
219    Jamaal Tinsley
218    DeAndre Jordan
217    Tyler Honeycutt
216    Kevin Seraphin
215    Samardo Samuels
214    Tyrus Thomas
213    Josh McRoberts
212    Hakim Warrick
211    Gerald Wallace
210    Derek Fisher
209    John Wall
208    Will Bynum
207    Matt Bonner
206    Xavier Henry
205    Michael Beasley
204    Wilson Chandler
203    Jonas Valanciunas
202    Eric Gordon
201    Evan Turner
200    Kyle O’Quinn
199    Alonzo Gee
198    Avery Bradley
197    CJ Miles
196    Leandro Barbosa
195    Andris Biedrins
194    Meyers Leonard
193    Dahntay Jones
192    Chuck Hayes
191    Wesley Matthews
190    Devin Harris
189    James Harden
188    Shelvin Mack
187    Damien Lillard
186    Luke Babbitt
185    Quincy Pondexter
184    DJ Augustin
183    Spencer Hawes
182    Mirza Teletovic
181    Jordan Crawford
180    Enes Kanter
179    Jeff Teague
178    Evan Fournier
177    Joel Przybilla
176    Brendan Haywood
175    Brandon Rush
174    Reggie Jackson
173    Larry Sanders
172    Austin Daye
171    Ekpe Udoh
170    Marco Belinelli
169    Andrew Bynum
168    Kyle Singler
167    Donatas Motiejunas
166    Nate Robinson
165    Carlos Boozer
164    Royal Ivey
163    Chris Paul
162    Jamal Crawford
161    Randy Foye
160    Tyshawn Taylor
159    Brandon Knight
158    Sebastian Telfair
157    Danny Granger
156    Corey Maggette
155    Russell Westbrook
154    DeJuan Blair
153    Jose Juan Barea
152    Alec Burks
151    Lance Stephenson
150    Chase Budinger
149    Josh Childress
148    Marquis Teague
147    Louis Amundson
146    Brandon Bass
145    Marreese Speights
144    Thabo Sefolosha
143    Draymond Green
142    Tristan Thompson
141    Channing Frye
140    Hamed Haddadi
139    Omri Casspi
138    Nazr Mohammed
137    Vince Carter
136    Andrew Bogut
135    Markieff Morris
134    Courtney Lee
133    Tony Allen
132    Festus Ezeli
131    JJ Hickson
130    Nicolas Batum
129    Austin Rivers
128    David West
127    Jason Terry
126    Quincy Acy
125    Jerryd Bayless
124    Klay Thompson
123    Monta Ellis
122    Jared Sullinger
121    Corey Brewer
120    Moe Harkless
119    Jose Calderon
118    Trevor Ariza
117    Ishmael Smith
116    Deron Williams
115    Timofey Mozgov
114    Lamar Odom
113    Eric Bledsoe
112    Gustavo Ayon
111    Pau Gasol
110    Al-Farouq Aminu
109    Hedo Turkoglu
108    Toney Douglas
107    Kosta Koufos
106    MarShon Brooks
105    Ty Lawson
104    Emeka Okafor
103    Kevin Garnett
102    Tayshaun Prince
101    Boris Diaw
100    Andre Miller
99    Andre Iguodala
98    Kenneth Faried
97    Harrison Barnes
96    Omir Asik
95    Blake Griffin
94    Derrick Favors
93    Ian Mahinmi
92    Taj Gibson
91    Tyler Hansbrough
90    Reggie Evans
89    Marcin Gortat
88    Kyle Korver
87    DeShawn Stevenson
86    Tim Duncan
85    Jerry Stackhouse
84    Jarrett Jack
83    Chauncey Billups
82    Kyle Lowry
81    Marcus Camby
80    Ivan Johnson
79    Andrea Bargnani
78    Alexey Shved
77    Arron Afflalo
76    Tyreke Evans
75    Fab Melo
74    Tiago Splitter
73    Kwame Brown
72    Nick Collison
71    Darren Collison
70    Jeremy Lin
69    Brook Lopez
68    Robin Lopez
67    Goran Dragic
66    Nene
65    Paul Pierce
64    Pablo Prigioni
63    Chandler Parsons
62    JJ Redick
61    Nikola Pekovic
60    Anderson Varejao
59    Rodrigue Beaubois
58    Tony Wroten
57    Shawn Marion
56    Hasheem Thabeet
55    Luol Deng
54    Dion Waiters
53    Ray Allen
52    Kevin Love
51    Kemba Walker
50    Tyson Chandler
49    Andre Drummond
48    Jimmy Butler
47    Shane Battier
46    Stephen Curry
45    Chris Bosh
44    J.R. Smith
43    Jae Crowder
42    Steve Nash
41    Paul George
40    Serge Ibaka
39    Caron Butler
38    Zaza Pachulia
37    Jason Kidd
36    Antawn Jamison
35    Ersan Ilyasova
34    Kawhi Leonard
33    Rudy Gay
32    Luc Richard Mbah a Moute
31    DeMar DeRozan
30    Andrei Kirilenko
29    Kevin Durant
28    Iman Shumpert
27    Andray Blatche
26    Brandon Jennings
25    Danilo Gallinari
24    Greivis Vasquez
23    Bismack Biyombo
22    Brandon Roy
21    Amar’e Stoudemire
20    Joakim Noah
19    Manu Ginobili
18    Dirk Nowitzki
17    DeMarcus Cousins
16    Jimmer Fredette
15    Joe Johnson
14    Kyrie Irving
13    Derrick Rose
12    Michael Kidd-Gilchrist
11    Dwyane Wade
10    Jrue Holiday
9    OJ Mayo
8    Darko Milicic
7    JaVale McGee
6    LeBron James
5    Metta World Peace
4    Rajon Rondo
3    Ricky Rubio
2    Carmelo Anthony
1    Kobe Bryant