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Most of us amateur prognosticators without real access to NBA scouting and game film (and/or subscriptions to Synergy or Elias or what have you) will be making predictions for this upcoming postseason the same we always do — with a mixture of basic observation, superficial insight and (mostly) anecdotal, cliché-based intuition. What teams seem to have their opponents’ number in certain matchups? What players do we trust in the postseason, and which always seem to let us down? What teams have a certain swagger, and what teams seem like they just don’t have it this year? It’s hardly the most scientific method, and its degree of success isn’t usually terribly high, but it’s fun to do as long as there’s no real pressure to be right, and when you are right based on a gut-feeling hunch, it’s pretty darned satisfying — like I don’t need the numbers, I just know THE GAME, man.

Anyway, I’ve decided to bridge the worlds of intuition and stat-based predictions with a pseudo-scientific breakdown of one of the most important factors in making semi-arbitrary NBA picks: Coachiness. If you’ve never heard the word before (which would make sense, considering it doesn’t actually exist), Coachiness is the heretofore undefined quantity of just how much your coach feels like an NBA coach, how closely he fits the paradigm of what we expect an ideal NBA coach to look, sound and behave like in our heads. Having a coach with a high Coachiness factor is critical for postseason predictions, since you’ll always feel more secure picking with a fairly Coachy coach than one who seems like he should never have gotten out of the tape room.

Below, I’ve ranked all 16 playoff-bound NBA coaches based on their Coachiness scores, from lowest to most Coachiest, grading them on a scale from 0-60, with the following six categories (worth 10 points each) making up their score:

History of Winning. Obvious factor. How much has the coach won in his career? How much respect does he get for the wins he has? Has he done it in the playoffs, or just the regular season? Having been a winner as an assistant coach or former player can help here as well, though it’s not essential to the category.

Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: With the possible exceptions of Don Nelson and Mike D’Antoni, no coach wants to be thought of as offensive-first, as hanging your hat on defense seems much tougher, much more adult, and just much coachier. So how much respect does the coach get for his defensive prowess? Does he preach it a lot? Do his teams follow suit?

Sideline Intensity: The Coachiest coaches tend to make their names on the sidelines, barking at officials, gesturing wildly at their players, repeatedly flirting with technical fouls in the pursuit of getting all involved with the game to adhere to their view of the way things are and should be. While you may or may not view your ideal coach as being totally insane, you certainly don’t want him just standing there with his arms crossed the whole time — which is bad news for a couple playoff-bound coaches this year.

Interview Irritability: The Coachiest Coaches are all both too arrogant and too short on time to have much patience with the press, and thus tend to keep their interviews short and sour, especially when asked about subjects deemed frivolous or beyond the reporter’s understanding.

Refusal to Celebrate Wins: A good coach understands that certain low-leverage wins should not be overly celebrated if they are just a prelude to a larger goal, while a particularly Coachy coach views his players finding joy in any win but a championship downright disgusting. Coaches who win more will likely have the chance to score higher in this category, as it’s difficult to be known for your hatred of win-celebrating when you don’t even win that much.

Well-Dressed/Good Hair: Being a coach is still a management position, and as such, we expect the Coachiest among them to dress to impress. As Coach Stewart of the Eastside Projects would say, “Man, look the part, be the part, motherf—er.”

Of course, coaches who have been around for a while will invariably score better in some categories than those we’ve been less exposed to, and indeed, in the case of a tie in scoring, I gave the edge to the coach with the greater experience. But every new season, and especially every new post-season, is a new chance for a coach to expand his Coachiness profile, so look for a couple of the names towards the bottom here to possibly seem a lot Coachier by the time these playoffs are through.

16. Jim Boylan, Milwaukee Bucks

History of Winning: 1
Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: 3
Sideline Intensity: 3
Interview Irritability: 5
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 3
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 5

Total: 20

Tough to evaluate Jim Boylan particularly thoroughly, considering he’s never coached for even a full season, and is currently being used as a placeholder for an eighth-place club that would make national news by winning a single game in the playoffs. Still, when he’s been out there, he’s seemed almost conspicuously middle-of-the-road, making impressions in as few areas as possible, notable only for being perpetually sour-faced (which allows him to score at least a middling grade in Interview Irritability almost by default). Scott Skiles might not be Red Auerbach exactly, but he easily would’ve landed a Coachiness score twice as high as Boylan’s.

15. PJ Carlesimo, Brooklyn Nets

History of Winning: 3
Reputation of Being Defensive-Minded: 4
Sideline Intensity: 2
Interview Irritability: 4
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 4
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 4

Total: 21

Amazing how over the course of PJ Carlesimo’s decently long head coaching career — four NBA teams over nine seasons — he’s never developed any kind of real coaching identity, minus being the guy whose condiment-related criticisms drove Latrell Sprewell to madness, nor has he ever even won a playoff series. He’s mellowed considerably since those Golden State days, to the point of near sideline somnambulism, and he seems to dress more like a high school science teacher every year, which is kind of a weird (though at least somewhat distinctive) look for a basketball coach. Nobody on the Nets is gonna strangle him this postseason, but it’d be a little surprising if any of them really made an effort to help him keep his job next year either.

14. Larry Drew, Atlanta Hawks

History of Winning: 4
Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: 4
Sideline Intensity: 1
Interview Irritability: 4
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 4
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 5

Total: 22

Larry Drew was the perfect replacement for Mike Woodson to keep things status quo in Atlanta, and he one-upped his already none-too-demonstrative predecessor in the director’s chair by bringing no personality whatsoever while showing barely any physical movement. Seriously, it’s shocking when you’re watching an Atlanta Hawks game and Drew does anything but stand with his arms crossed. His History of Winning consists of three above-average seasons in which he didn’t noticeably screw anything up, and his Interview Irritability is based on the fact that he always sounds like he’d rather be asleep. He might score higher in Well-Dressed if he didn’t perpetually look a little too small for his suits.

If the Nets and Hawks meet in the first round, Drew vs. Carlesimo will be an absolutely epic showdown of mummy coaches.

13. Mike Woodson, New York Knicks

History of Winning: 5
Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: 4
Sideline Intensity: 6
Interview Irritability: 3
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 5
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 5

Total: 28

Mike Woodson is helped considerably here by his current association with the New York Knicks, perhaps the most character-filled, personality-driven team in the league right now — though the fact that he scores this low in our rankings anyway tells you how long a way he still has to go. That said, a deep postseason run could do wonders for both Woody’s History of Winning and his Refusal to Celebrate Wins, and a late-’90s-style showdown with the Celtics, Pacers and/or Heat could go a long way to helping out his already-amping-up sideline intensity. (He got ejected earlier this year for cursing out a ref, so that’s a pretty good start.) Remember the lessons of history, Mike — at the first sign of violence, go straight for the opposing big man’s legs.

12. Kevin McHale, Houston Rockets

History of Winning: 5
Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: 4
Sideline Intensity: 5
Interview Irritability: 4
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 5
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 7

Total: 30

Kevin McHale seems like he should be pretty Coachy by now, but it’s a weird situation, because he’s in charge of a high-scoring, run-and-gun team that doesn’t seem to have much to do with his old-school mentality and reputation for toughness, and one too dominated by the visibility of its GM for McHale to get much exposure. He’s another candidate for winning bringing out his Coachiness, though his Rockets might still be a year or two away from helping him out with that. Still a pretty sharp-looking guy, though.

11. Mark Jackson, Golden State Warriors

History of Winning: 4
Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: 5
Sideline Intensity: 7
Interview Irritability: 4
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 5
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 8

Total: 33

Another old-school-minded quality dresser whose coaching resume just needs a little beefing up before he can really make his way up the rankings here. It’s kind of a shame that Jackson and McHale aren’t too likely to meet in the playoffs, since with their lingering bad blood from the two teams’ regular season matchups, they could bring back the coach feud in a way we certainly haven’t seen much of in recent years. Also, would it kill Mark Jackson to snap at a reporter for his insolence every now and then? You can tell he kinda wants to, but perhaps as an ex-media man himself, there are certain lines he doesn’t want to cross.

10. Vinny Del Negro, Los Angeles Clippers

History of Winning: 4
Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: 4
Sideline Intensity: 5
Interview Irritability: 6
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 6
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 8

Total: 33

Maintaining good hair and landing in winning situations goes a long way for VDN, one of the less-respected coaches around the league, but one who at least looks the part most of the time. His TNT interviews are getting more and more clipped these days, suggesting he’s learning on the job, but his Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded certainly isn’t going to be helped by any further Mike Prada takedowns. Pretty amazing to think that Vinny Del Negro and Lionel Hollins have won the same number of playoff series in their careers, and it’ll be a pretty big blow to the latter’s Coachiness claims if he loses the tiebreaker this postseason.

9. Mike D’Antoni, Los Angeles Lakers

History of Winning: 6
Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: 2
Sideline Intensity: 7
Interview Irritability: 6
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 5
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 7

Total: 33

If there was a coach that should be kept exempt from the Defensive-Minded category, it’d probably be D’Antoni, but his eschewing of defense has become so egregious over his days with the Knicks and Lakers that it has switched back from “innovative strategy” to “glaring deficiency.” In any event, he came within a game or two of the Finals a couple times, he’s still good for a quality sideline blowup or two every season, and that silvery mane remains impressive, even if the mustache is a little too singular for the coaching circuit.

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8. Scott Brooks, Oklahoma City Thunder

History of Winning: 6
Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: 5
Sideline Intensity: 6
Interview Irritability: 4
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 8
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 5

Total: 34

The relative lack of Coachiness for a Finals contender like the Oklahoma City Thunder is somewhat troubling, though you won’t often see “eh dresser” or “too agreeable postgame” as the biggest criticisms of Scott Brooks’ coaching style. At the very least, Brooks has always been ahead of the curve in his Refusal to Celebrate Wins, as even when the team wasn’t that great yet and it was kind of a big deal when they won crap, it always seemed like he had them looking towards the future, not letting them get overly excited about any of their baby steps on their way to Finals contention. Perhaps Scotty can build on this.

7. George Karl, Denver Nuggets

History of Winning: 8
Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: 5
Sideline Intensity: 6
Interview Irritability: 3
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 7
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 5

Total: 34

George Karl certainly seems like he should score higher here, as one of the league’s best-respected coaches among players and peers, but since his scare with cancer, Karl has become calmer and more patient, a far cry from the “Furious George” days. That undoubtedly makes him a healthier, happier person, but it also makes him a less Coachier coach. Still, the long-dormant fury does perk back up on occasion, as when Karl pushed Wilson Chandler out of the way because he was blocking his path to yelling at the refs in a game against the Timberwolves in March.

6. Frank Vogel, Indiana Pacers

History of Winning: 5
Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: 7
Sideline Intensity: 8
Interview Irritability: 6
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 4
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 7

Total: 37

A young coach on the rise, Frank Vogel’s Coachiness credentials are impressive for a man who’s only been in charge for two-and-a-half seasons, starting with his direction of the league’s top-ranked defense, his solid collection of ties and his league-leading tech count. The win-celebrating is a bit of a problem — especially if you’re Derrick Rose, apparently — but if he can get that winning up and start smacking the microphone out of Craig Sager’s hands, he could be top five in no time.

5. Eric Spoelstra, Miami Heat:

History of Winning: 8
Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: 7
Sideline Intensity: 7
Interview Irritability: 5
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 8
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 8

Total: 43

He still has a bit too much of that back-room, video-coordinator amicability, and sometimes he seems a little reticent to go after the media, as if he’s still afraid he’ll get in trouble with the boss if he does. Aside from that, though, Speolstra’s Coachiness bonafides are more legit with each passing year, as one of only four active coaches with an NBA title, a looking-forward mentality that doesn’t get caught up in wins even when his team racks up 25 or so of them in a row, and a style that can’t possibly hope to ever match the legend he replaced on the sidelines, but that’s very professional just the same. Pretty impressive.

4. Lionel Hollins, Memphis Grizzlies

History of Winning: 5
Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: 9
Sideline Intensity: 6
Interview Irritability: 6
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 7
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 10

Total: 43

Again, just the one playoff series win — even if it was an 8/1 upset — but otherwise, it doesn’t get a lot Coachier than Lionel Hollins, a tough-minded sideline general with the toughest team in the league on the court to match. And of course, there probably isn’t a coach in the league with snazzier threads than Hollins, even rocking the pocket square, a look that few coaches have the balls to attempt these days, but which Hollins totally makes his own. Even his oft-noted distrust of advanced stats sorta makes him Coachier.

3. Tom Thibodeau, Chicago Bulls

History of Winning: 8
Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: 10
Sideline Intensity: 9
Interview Irritability: 8
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 9
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 3

Total: 47

Another guy with the near-complete package, with his unquestioned reputation as the league’s pre-eminent defensive coordinator (first as an assistant in Boston and then as the Big Cheese in Chicago) obviously the biggest feather in his cap. He’s short with interviewers, he shouts himself hoarse on the sideline, he’s never seemed particularly happy with a win (and he’s already won a fair bit in his short head coaching career). But oh man, that hair — just a couple thin patches of brown amidst a whole lot of gleaming white noggin — is just the worst. Give him Vinny Del Negro’s mane and he’d be a challenger for No. 1, but as is, it’s gonna be tough for Thibs to get over the hump. Maybe just shave off the little remaining and go for the full Skiles? It’s worth a shot.

2. Doc Rivers, Boston Celtics

History of Winning: 9
Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: 10
Sideline Intensity: 9
Interview Irritability: 6
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 9
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 9

Total: 52

Another guy whose impeccable defensive reputation, perpetually shot voice, and blase, “We haven’t won anything yet” attitude about any non-Finals victories makes him a prime standard for Coachiness, and one a lot better-looking and better-dressed that Thibodeau. The only demerit is that Doc, while certainly unafraid to speak his mind, is usually a little too nice a guy (and a conscious ex-media member himself) to really let loose on reporters, costing him a couple Interview Irritability points. Nonetheless, in the Coachiness Hall of Fame, Doc is almost certainly a first-balloter.

1. Gregg Popovich, San Antonio Spurs

History of Winning: 10
Reputation for Being Defensive-Minded: 9
Sideline Intensity: 9
Interview Irritability: 10
Refusal to Celebrate Wins: 10
Well-Dressed/Good Hair: 8

Total: 56

Was there ever any doubt? Pop’s not just obviously the Coachiest out there right now, he’s up there for Coachies of All-Time (COAT) honors, rivaled probably only by Phil Jackson and Pat Riley in the modern NBA for the distinction. He’s got it all — the rings, the hair, the defense, the disgust, the fuming, and of course, the burning hatred of all things media. In 2013, when you think of what an NBA coach is supposed to be, chances are pretty good you’ve got Pop’s white hair and sour expression in your mind’s eye, and he’ll probably have that from now until the day he hangs up his … well, until he retires. And Gregg Popovich is the reason that pretty much anytime it’s a tossup between the Spurs and their opponent in a series, you still gotta go with the Spurs.