dwyane-wades-worst-nightmare

Losing? Getting injured? When people always say he looks tired? That he can’t wear leggings OR personalized face Band Aids any more? When people misspell his first name? The Celtics? That most people only remember his girlfriend from a high school cheerleading movie that they like a little bit too much?

Any of these things could be things that Dwyane Wade hates, but not today. Today, he hates other things, things you’d never guess. Thing the first, from ESPN:

What is your most irrational fear?

Birds. I’m petrified of birds. I got attacked by some once when I was in college.

Setting aside for a second that being attacked by birds is a good reason to be scared of birds and is therefore a quite rational fear, let’s just all admire Dwyane Wade for admitting that he’s terrified of birds. It’s a bold move to bring the very real fear of petrification by bird in to a public forum, especially right before the playoffs start. And while the odds of him encountering the Hawks in a series are minimal — Atlanta is basically throwing games so that they move down to the sixth seed, which would allow them to avoid Miami until the conference finals, which the Hawks won’t be playing in — if I’m the stadium music director of some NBA team that the Heat are playing, I’m going bird crazy on the PA system. Screeches, wing flaps, coos — basically anything that sounds like a bird and could theoretically petrify Dwyane Wade. It’s an idea with legs, that’s for sure. Or better yet, wings.

Here’s the other thing Dwyane Wade hates:

What is your least favorite chore?

Besides all of them? I hate making the bed.

If he’s talking about changing the sheets on his bed, then I am totally with Dwyane Wade on this one. No matter how stretchy they are, finding fitted sheets that are easy to put on is an impossible task. If he’s just talking about making the bed after sleeping in it so that everything looks tidy, however, I’d like to remind you that Dwyane Wade also really hates vegetables and is therefore probably an 11-year-old. It would not surprise me to find out that this is what he meant, and also that he can’t wait to catch all of the Pokemon.

But yes, Dwyane Wade hates birds and making his bed. It’s not quite being scared of historic statues, but that’s a once-in-a-lifetime phobia. Just don’t be surprised if you hear a bunch of bird noises the first time the Heat show up in Milwaukee. And don’t be surprised if his hotel room mysteriously doesn’t get room service, causing Dwyane Wade to have to make his bed. Stranger things have happened.