2013 NBA literal mocking draft


It’s almost impossible to keep up with college basketball and NBA basketball at the same time. So when mock draft season rolls around, it’s a time for us NBA bros to finally get to know these kids who are going to be owning the big leagues sooner or later. Unfortunately, that means we also don’t know much about the prospects.

Ergo, we have to learn on the fly. And that’s why I offer this literal mock draft to all you guys out there. It’s a way to learn exactly how you’re going to make fun of these new players once they grace the NBA hardwood. We did it last year, and we’re doing it now, so I guess it’s tradition around these parts. The order comes from DraftExpress, the zingers come from me. Lottery only. Leggo.

1. Cleveland Cavaliers — Nerlens Noel (C, 19, 7-0, 206, Kentucky, freshman)

“Hey Nerlens! Your name is Nerlens.”

2. Orlando Magic — Ben McLemore (SG, 20, 6-5, 189, Kansas, freshman)

“First Mark, then the rapper, now this — more like McLem-less.”

3. Washington Wizards — Anthony Bennett (PF, 20, 6-7, 239, UNLV, freshman)

“Anthony Bennett? I’ve always been more of a Francis Sinatra fan.”

4. Charlotte Bobcats — Victor Oladipo (SG/SF, 21, 6-4, 213, Indiana, junior)

“You’re named after the worst Beatles song.”

5. Phoenix Suns — Otto Porter (SF, 19, 6-8, 198, Georgetown, sophomore)

“Finally, someone to carry on the long and storied tradition of NBA superstars named ‘Otto.’ Finally.”

6. New Orleans Pelicans — Alex Len (C, 19, 7-1, 255, Maryland, sophomore)

“Don’t worry, bro. No one’s going to steal your sunshine.”

7. Sacramento Kings — Trey Burke (PG, 20, 6-1, 187, Michigan, sophomore)

There is literally nothing anyone can say bad about a guy who played at Michigan and is named “Trey.” Moving on.

8. Detroit Pistons — C.J. McCollum (PG/SG, 21, 6-3, 197, Lehigh, senior)

“C.J. McCall me when you’re drafting a real player.”

9. Minnesota Timberwolves — Shabazz Muhammad (SF, 20, 6-6, 222, UCLA, freshman)

“How old are you anyways? 20? Ugh. Gross.”

10. Portland Trail Blazers — Rudy Gobert (PF/C, 20 years, 7-2, 238, Cholet, International)

“This pick sucks if they don’t get Rudy Goernie to play next to him.”

11. Philadelphia 76ers — Cody Zeller (C, 20, 7-0, 230, Indiana, sophomore)

“Have you ever heard of the law of diminishing returns?”

12. Oklahoma City Thunder — Kelly Olynyk (C, 22, 7-0, 234, Gonzaga, junior)

“Nothing more exciting than getting the second-best Canadian in a weak draft.”

13. Dallas Mavericks — Michael Carter-Williams (PG, 21, 6-6, 184, Syracuse, sophomore)

“I’d have preferred someone with more size, like Michael Clarke Duncan.”

14. Utah Jazz — Dennis Schroeder (PG, 19, 6-2, 165, Braunschweig, International)

“You’re a business statistics teacher.”

Leave your best zings in the comments.

Comments (13)

  1. This is so funny that I’m almost left incapable of laughing. Some early 90s-level Simpsons-shit, here. Sorry for cursing.

  2. Just stop. This is beyond horrible.

  3. RIP Michael Clark Duncan

  4. To the Victor goes the spoils — if, by spoils, you mean teal throwback unis.

  5. I feel so ashamed for laughing out loud at #6.

  6. Brought to you in part by the number 2. 2 Bert and Ernie jokes 2 years running. That’s hard to do.

  7. As a Cavs Fan this hurts but….

    #1. “Hey Nerlens, better start getting used to those L’s.”

  8. wouldn’t a better comment for the #1 overall pick be: “The first, Noel”?

  9. Nerlens should get drafted by New Orleans, it would be a marketing dream come true.

  10. way too much (improper) use of the word “literal” in this podcast.

    i literally die every time i hear it.

    See what i did there?

  11. How about Cody Zeller being rebranded as Cody Target…

  12. Nerlens to Norlens and Shabazz to the Jazz! And Porter to Porter…land?

  13. Whenever Otto Porter makes a big play, the commentator needs to say “Otto LOVES to get blotto!”

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