2013 NBA literal mocking draft

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It’s almost impossible to keep up with college basketball and NBA basketball at the same time. So when mock draft season rolls around, it’s a time for us NBA bros to finally get to know these kids who are going to be owning the big leagues sooner or later. Unfortunately, that means we also don’t know much about the prospects.

Ergo, we have to learn on the fly. And that’s why I offer this literal mock draft to all you guys out there. It’s a way to learn exactly how you’re going to make fun of these new players once they grace the NBA hardwood. We did it last year, and we’re doing it now, so I guess it’s tradition around these parts. The order comes from DraftExpress, the zingers come from me. Lottery only. Leggo.

1. Cleveland Cavaliers — Nerlens Noel (C, 19, 7-0, 206, Kentucky, freshman)

“Hey Nerlens! Your name is Nerlens.”

2. Orlando Magic — Ben McLemore (SG, 20, 6-5, 189, Kansas, freshman)

“First Mark, then the rapper, now this — more like McLem-less.”

3. Washington Wizards — Anthony Bennett (PF, 20, 6-7, 239, UNLV, freshman)

“Anthony Bennett? I’ve always been more of a Francis Sinatra fan.”

4. Charlotte Bobcats — Victor Oladipo (SG/SF, 21, 6-4, 213, Indiana, junior)

“You’re named after the worst Beatles song.”

5. Phoenix Suns — Otto Porter (SF, 19, 6-8, 198, Georgetown, sophomore)

“Finally, someone to carry on the long and storied tradition of NBA superstars named ‘Otto.’ Finally.”

6. New Orleans Pelicans — Alex Len (C, 19, 7-1, 255, Maryland, sophomore)

“Don’t worry, bro. No one’s going to steal your sunshine.”

7. Sacramento Kings — Trey Burke (PG, 20, 6-1, 187, Michigan, sophomore)

There is literally nothing anyone can say bad about a guy who played at Michigan and is named “Trey.” Moving on.

8. Detroit Pistons — C.J. McCollum (PG/SG, 21, 6-3, 197, Lehigh, senior)

“C.J. McCall me when you’re drafting a real player.”

9. Minnesota Timberwolves — Shabazz Muhammad (SF, 20, 6-6, 222, UCLA, freshman)

“How old are you anyways? 20? Ugh. Gross.”

10. Portland Trail Blazers — Rudy Gobert (PF/C, 20 years, 7-2, 238, Cholet, International)

“This pick sucks if they don’t get Rudy Goernie to play next to him.”

11. Philadelphia 76ers — Cody Zeller (C, 20, 7-0, 230, Indiana, sophomore)

“Have you ever heard of the law of diminishing returns?”

12. Oklahoma City Thunder — Kelly Olynyk (C, 22, 7-0, 234, Gonzaga, junior)

“Nothing more exciting than getting the second-best Canadian in a weak draft.”

13. Dallas Mavericks — Michael Carter-Williams (PG, 21, 6-6, 184, Syracuse, sophomore)

“I’d have preferred someone with more size, like Michael Clarke Duncan.”

14. Utah Jazz — Dennis Schroeder (PG, 19, 6-2, 165, Braunschweig, International)

“You’re a business statistics teacher.”

Leave your best zings in the comments.