Sometimes someone mentions something to you and you just have to do a full-on investigation about what they said. Last night, when some Twitter bro named Osman asked me, “Does anyone on the Pacers have sideburns?,” was one of those times. The answer may shock you.

As you can see in the mosaic up top, and will see down below, the Indiana Pacers are one of the most sideburnophobic teams in the NBA this season. I’ve ordered every Pacer that’s played a second in the postseason from most sideburned to least sideburned, just so you can see how much these guys hate the most innocuous of facial hair. Let’s go.


Sam Young
Sam Young may be the worst regular rotation player who is still left in the playoffs, but at least he understands the benefit of connecting your beard to your head hair. It’s a lesson that many of his Pacers teammates have yet to learn.


Ben Hansbrough
Not only does BenBrough have a standard haircut that keeps the very basic sideburn around, he also appears to have tiny ant-trails burns that you see at proms across the nation. However, I will admit that I might be giving him too much credit for not really being able to grow facial hair.


Tyler Hansbrough
No extended sideburns for TyBrough, but at least he hasn’t completely eliminated their launch zone like most other guys on the team. This is the standard no-sideburns trim spot.


Ian Mahinmi
This is basically the same thing as Tyler Hansbrough’s haircut. No long sideburns again, but at least they’re trimmed off at the usual top of the jaw/mid-ear location.


George Hill
Same as Mahinmi, only with a tighter point on the trim. If you’re going sans burns, this is how you do it.


D.J. Augustin
When I started looking at all of these guys’ faces, I thought D.J. Augustin would rank way lower on the most-to-least sideburned scale due to his insistence on trimming only his temples. However, there’s still a bit of hair in his sideburn region, to the point where you can see where such a sideburn is supposed to be. (Also of note: This is the best case scenario for the Deron Williams haircut.)

lance stephenson sideburns

Lance Stephenson
Same move as D.J. Augustin, only everything’s a bit tighter here. Less hair on the burns/beard, closer trim on the temples, and I’m pretty sure you can see straight skin at the launch zone.


Roy Hibbert
This is where the Pacers seem to have totally disassociated themselves from the idea that their hair and beards should even connect, as Roy Hibbert’s hair and beard do not connect.


Jeff Pendergraph
Almost the same as Hibbert’s hair separation maneuver, but I’m putting Pendy lower because it is almost like he made a point to have only his launch zone trimmed down, thereby completely putting to rest even the idea that he enjoys sideburns.


Paul George
Like a lot of the Pacers, Paul George has eschewed connecting his hair to anything. However, he still leaves a vague hint of sideburn just south of his almost completely bald launch zone. It’s not nearly as weird as Shaq’s bald head-sideburns look but it’s an interesting choice, to say the least.


Gerald Green
This is a pretty extreme anti-sideburns look but just wait until you see the next guy.


Orlando Johnson
Whoa. Not only is there not a trace of sideburn on Orlando Johnson’s face, he’s taken things a step further and completely eliminated the possibility of such a thing appearing, as he’s razored off his launch zone far north of his ears. It’s an extreme taper, and it’s almost like a high contrast version of Gerald Green’s haircut where everything that was faded is now just dark hair. Orlando Johnson has no desire to ease anyone in to anything, least of all a haircut.


David West
Bald, disqualified.