indiana-pacers-sideburns

Sometimes someone mentions something to you and you just have to do a full-on investigation about what they said. Last night, when some Twitter bro named Osman asked me, “Does anyone on the Pacers have sideburns?,” was one of those times. The answer may shock you.

As you can see in the mosaic up top, and will see down below, the Indiana Pacers are one of the most sideburnophobic teams in the NBA this season. I’ve ordered every Pacer that’s played a second in the postseason from most sideburned to least sideburned, just so you can see how much these guys hate the most innocuous of facial hair. Let’s go.

sam-young-sideburns

Sam Young
Sam Young may be the worst regular rotation player who is still left in the playoffs, but at least he understands the benefit of connecting your beard to your head hair. It’s a lesson that many of his Pacers teammates have yet to learn.

ben-hansbrough-sideburns

Ben Hansbrough
Not only does BenBrough have a standard haircut that keeps the very basic sideburn around, he also appears to have tiny ant-trails burns that you see at proms across the nation. However, I will admit that I might be giving him too much credit for not really being able to grow facial hair.

tyler-hansbrough-sideburns

Tyler Hansbrough
No extended sideburns for TyBrough, but at least he hasn’t completely eliminated their launch zone like most other guys on the team. This is the standard no-sideburns trim spot.

ian-mahinmi-sideburns

Ian Mahinmi
This is basically the same thing as Tyler Hansbrough’s haircut. No long sideburns again, but at least they’re trimmed off at the usual top of the jaw/mid-ear location.

george-hill-sideburns

George Hill
Same as Mahinmi, only with a tighter point on the trim. If you’re going sans burns, this is how you do it.

dj-augustin-sideburns

D.J. Augustin
When I started looking at all of these guys’ faces, I thought D.J. Augustin would rank way lower on the most-to-least sideburned scale due to his insistence on trimming only his temples. However, there’s still a bit of hair in his sideburn region, to the point where you can see where such a sideburn is supposed to be. (Also of note: This is the best case scenario for the Deron Williams haircut.)

lance stephenson sideburns

Lance Stephenson
Same move as D.J. Augustin, only everything’s a bit tighter here. Less hair on the burns/beard, closer trim on the temples, and I’m pretty sure you can see straight skin at the launch zone.

roy-hibbert-sideburns

Roy Hibbert
This is where the Pacers seem to have totally disassociated themselves from the idea that their hair and beards should even connect, as Roy Hibbert’s hair and beard do not connect.

jeff-pendergraph-sideburns

Jeff Pendergraph
Almost the same as Hibbert’s hair separation maneuver, but I’m putting Pendy lower because it is almost like he made a point to have only his launch zone trimmed down, thereby completely putting to rest even the idea that he enjoys sideburns.

paul-george-sideburns

Paul George
Like a lot of the Pacers, Paul George has eschewed connecting his hair to anything. However, he still leaves a vague hint of sideburn just south of his almost completely bald launch zone. It’s not nearly as weird as Shaq’s bald head-sideburns look but it’s an interesting choice, to say the least.

gerald-green-sideburns

Gerald Green
This is a pretty extreme anti-sideburns look but just wait until you see the next guy.

orlando-johnson-sideburns

Orlando Johnson
Whoa. Not only is there not a trace of sideburn on Orlando Johnson’s face, he’s taken things a step further and completely eliminated the possibility of such a thing appearing, as he’s razored off his launch zone far north of his ears. It’s an extreme taper, and it’s almost like a high contrast version of Gerald Green’s haircut where everything that was faded is now just dark hair. Orlando Johnson has no desire to ease anyone in to anything, least of all a haircut.

david-west-sideburns

David West
Bald, disqualified.

Comments (18)

  1. Are we counting Danny Granger? Because he most certainly has sideburns…I specifically remember thinking last night “wow…Granger certainly has some well-defined sideburns….”

  2. yet another worthless post

  3. That’s the kind of quality post that makes me come visit this blog again and again. great job!

  4. The term “sideburnophobic ” is demeaning to the Pacers. Perhaps they think that shaving sideburns is the best thing to do, and do so not out of fear or hatred. I personally embrace the sideburn lifestyle, but still encourage a respectful dialogue.

  5. Lol… you guys must be bored

  6. I love Trey’s pattern recognition posts.

    Also, Ben Hansbrough looks like the lovechild of Skeets and Chris Klein.

  7. You guys are all dumb. They take out their sideburns to be more aerodynamic. They become faster, and more agile on the court.

  8. They all use the same barber, DR Lewis Crane

  9. Look at those sideburns! He looks like a girl!

  10. At the end of last summer while getting a haircut, I was asked if I wanted my sideburns trimmed (fairly normal). She then proceeded to make me look like I belonged on the Pacers. I get it now.

    Also, I haven’t been back since.

  11. I’d pay for a team by team hair/facial hair breakdown

  12. That Shaq picture is hilarious. What a haircut!

  13. Mr. Burns is clearly their coach

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