no-dwight-1

Since the Lakers couldn’t figure out how to squeeze a single playoff win out of the league’s highest payroll, they’re technically in the offseason, even though we still have a few weeks worth of ball to enjoy. And being as it’s their offseason, that means it’s Dwight Howard’s offseason, which means it’s the absolute perfect time to start saying things that will undoubtedly get people upset.

So please, do not be surprised when I tell you that Dwight Howard has said some things that will make people upset. The things are, from the Los Angeles Times, NOT STOPPING LIVING HIS LIFE:

We all met at UCLA, Howard was as friendly as always and relaxed after fishing trips to Lake Tahoe and Aspen.

He posted Twitter pictures of the fish that had jumped in his boat or the ones he claimed he had caught. But they were the wrong kind of trophies for some Lakers fans.

“You just can’t please people,” Howard said. “I catch fish and it’s a problem. People were upset I was out having fun; they thought I should be sitting in a room all upset because we lost.

“I am upset, but I’m not going to stop living life.”

And also HE IS SERIOUSLY UPSET ABOUT THE LOSING:

“I couldn’t watch the playoffs I was so ticked. Everywhere I went I saw a Tim Duncan jersey, and you know how much I hated that.”

Oh plus SHAQ JOKES:

We also chatted about his desire to make movies.

“Maybe ‘Kazaam II’,” he joked in reference to Shaq’s bomb. “Actually I’m working right now on some stuff with Disney.”

“Do they have a Disney studio in Houston?” I asked.

“Time to shoot free throws,” said Howard.

And he is GOING TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK:

They moved to three-point territory for a game of “around the world,” advancing from spot to spot after making a three-pointer.

Kelzer quickly left Howard behind, yelling to him, “How’s your world doing?”

It was all good, Howard singing and rolling with every trash jab, although admitting he no longer intends to be a people-pleaser.

“I can’t do it anymore,” he said. “I can’t please everybody.”

Also he will EXPLORE HIS OPTIONS:

Between missed shots, I asked why he hasn’t committed to the Lakers.

“It’s free agency and I have the opportunity to choose where I’m going to play,” he said. “God opens doors, and I’m relying on my faith to direct me.

“I don’t think it’s fair I get criticized for waiting on such an opportunity.”

And he WON’T SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT MIKE D’ANTONI:

So what do you think of D’Antoni?

“I love him,” he said. “He’s a great person.”

Is he a great coach?

“He’s a great person and I’m glad we had the opportunity to be together,” said Howard, which some will undoubtedly interpret as goodbye.

Those are the things that Dwight Howard said, and those things are going to serve as the baseline for every silly, stupid, untimely, graceless thing Dwight Howard says in the offseason. Everything that happens will be some iteration of one of these things, perhaps taken to its most illogical extreme, because that is what happens with Dwight Howard. It will just be the same stuff over and over until it is so bonkers that you can’t stop hoping he’ll sign a 50-year contract for smiling with any team in the league just so you don’t have to go through another free agency period.

And that is exactly why I am proposing the “Don’t Care About Dwight Howard” movement, wherein we don’t really care about Dwight Howard. You can follow along with all the storylines if you want, but it’s not worth trying to figure out what he is going to do, because that will drive you insane. He’ll sign somewhere eventually, we’ll know what team he’s going to be playing for and then we can get interested in him again. It’s not going to be worth trying to ascertain what he’s thinking or where he wants to go or if he’s trying to get a coach fired or if he inevitably puts his foot in his mouth again, so just don’t worry about it. Treat the whole thing like “The Big Bang Theory” — know it exists and that some people are interested in it, but just ignore it. It’s going to feel great.

Or don’t. Get really in to it. It’s your life and Dwight Howard would want you to live it no matter what anyone said. Your call.

Comments (12)

  1. I’m so in. I don’t care about Dwight Howard so much that I didn’t even read 90% of this post. I bet it involved Dwight Howard being “goofy” though!

  2. He really just won’t stop talking… smh

  3. I’m a Lakers fan and I’m already one step ahead of you on the “Don’t Care About Dwight Howard” movement. This is probably the first Dwight-related link I’ve clicked on since the season ended.

  4. “Everywhere I went I saw a Tim Duncan jersey, and you know how much I hated that.”

    I’m going to assume this means Dwight’s neighbors hate him and are trolling with much aplomb.

  5. He is a much better fit in a quiet city where he can help a team overachieve and live his life in private. Lakers are all about winning and anything less deems you a failure.

  6. If it weren’t for this blog post I wouldn’t have known whether or not I should care about unnoteworthy news stories and statements from dwight. Thanks.

  7. I guess I’m the only basketball fan who just doesn’t get why we all need to hate Dwight Howard. For my values he has yet to do something that would give me legitimate reason to dislike, let alone hate, him, a real human being who is not a TV character. People have the weakest list of grudges against him, and seem to make up for it by turning their hatemoans to an 11.

    • Dwight gets so much pussy its ridiculous, and he’s the best shot blocker in NBA history

    • Don’t worry, Kobe Bryant and Lebron James have taught us that no matter how much of a narcissistic jerk you are, win a championship and all is forgiven. If Dwight ever gets a ring the media and most of the fans will go back to loving him again.

    • To be fair, he doesn’t answer questions the media have, but he still likes to talk to the media a lot.
      That means we’re stuck with the media asking him the same dumb questions over and over.
      It’s half the media’s fault (24/7 news circle and whatnot), but it’s still half Dwight’s fault. Just shut off all conversations with the media until you’ve made a choice, if you don’t want to be criticized or to be a people-pleaser.

  8. He doesn’t have a ring on his finger so who cares the way he looked in la

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