While I was on vacation last week, someone sent me a picture of Jerry Stackhouse fishing with “Top Chef” judge Tom Colicchio while the both of them wore giant khaki pants. Intrigued, I did a little searching and turned up an honest-to-goodness 22 minute episode of “Hooked Up,” Colicchio’s internet show where he takes famous people out to do some angling.
But because not all people share my passion for both food television and the late career goings on of Jerry Stackhouse, I watched the entire episode and took notes so that you could get the full “Hooked Up” experience without actually having to put in the time. Here is what happened.
00:10 — Colichs says he’s watched Jerry Stackhouse play “many, many games” and calls him a “professional basketball player,” which I think we can all agree are things that are true. I don’t ever remember seeing him creeping at an NBA game, but Colicchio seems to know his very basic stuff.
00:13 — It’s only 13 seconds in to this clip and Jerry Stackhouse already caught a fish. Seems rigged.
00:24 — Jerry Stackhouse wanted to transfer from UNC, but I think admitting that means he’s officially out of the UNC Family.
00:50 — Why is Jerry Stackhouse is trying to catch sharks?
01:22 — Fishing talk for all the fishing gear heads out there.
01:55 — Jerry Stackhouse pronounces it “Co-licky-YOOO.”
03;24 — Well, well, well, look who wants back in the UNC Family — Mr. Jerry Stackhouse. Typical.
Also, considering he’s been in the NBA for something like 56 years and has played for every franchise, both active and defunct, it’s hard to pick a team that represents Jerry Stackhouse. I feel like most people would consider him a Piston, but there are arguments to be made for the 76ers, Wizards, Mavs and as the captain of the Singin’ Swingmen, an all-NBA-player barbershop quartet Jerry started with Joe Smith during their rookie year.
03:40 — Our first Duke-UNC joke of the episode. Finally.
04:00 — Our first Tommy Kearns joke of the episode. Classic Colicchio with a classic Kearns crack.
05:07 — Turns out that vintage Kearns zinger was really just a long, elaborate setup for a different, stronger Colicchio zinger. No wonder Jerry Stackhouse loves him. It’s all about the long game with Jerry.
06:15 — I’m pretty sure a dolphin just ate Tom Colicchio’s snook, if he’s looking for a new book title. “A Dolphin Just Ate My Snook” is a guaranteed New York Times bestseller.
06:48 — JerBear is asked “Rookie or veteran?” and of course Jerry Stackhouse takes veteran over rookie. Duh. That’s like asking which is bigger, 17 or one?
07:38 — Tom Colicchio’s brother coaches high school basketball and Jerry Stackhouse is VERY interested.
07:59 — Haha, just realized I’m watching Tom and Jerry.
08:36 — Did you notice that Jerry Stackhouse is wearing a hat with his basketball number on it? Or maybe he’s just doing some buzz marketing for that Jackie Robinson movie? You be the judge.
10:25 — KEEP THE ROD TIP UP, JERRY.
10:33 — Jerry Stackhouse caught a snook. Hope he writes a song about it and sings it before a Nets game.
11:48 — This is the good stuff. Jerry Stackhouse is finally asked “Dunk or trey?” and he chooses dunk, despite the fact his most valuable current NBA skill is the corner three, which he references because he is incredibly self-aware. I wonder if he got sad answering that question or if he just doesn’t like my name that much.
13:15 — Whoa, Jerry Stackhouse is actually going to be fishing for sharks. I thought I was joking earlier but apparently not.
13:40 — Tom Colicchio’s “very delicate” jokes while the boat’s captain is chopping up some shark bait is him trying to be nice instead of saying “You have terrible knife skills. Padma and I would kick you off of Top Chef immediately.”
14:32 — Kind of just realized that when Tom and Jerry are doing these sit down one-on-ones, that the captain must be miserable trying to stay out of the shot while those two guys chat. Either that or they give him the camera to film it, but I can’t imagine the producers are too crazy about a camera full of salt water.
15:38 — Dying laughing at Tom Colicchio nodding and saying “right, right” repeatedly while Jerry Stackhouse talks about his various collegiate accomplishments from nearly two decades ago. Just waiting for JerBear to try to throw a football over a mountain.
17:06 — Jerry’s just bragging about his 57 against the Bulls when he’s interrupted by a pole going crazy, so he jumps up and starts literally reeling in a shark. The boat’s captain, who has been hiding while Jerry talks about his early NBA years, hands over the pole and gets very sad (I am assuming).
17:41 — Stackhouse chooses Jordan over LeBron, in a completely non-UNC-biased way.
18:11 — Yes! National anthem talk! We did it!
18:49 — Tom and Jerry are just catching mad fish now, like it’s no big deal. Fish on fish on fish. Also, Tom Colicchio is wearing a bandana over his face like a bandit.
19:02 — DOUBLES!!!
19:15 — Jerry says “We should have came to the bridge in the beginning” and the boat’s captain cries a single, silent tear, since he’s the one who helped Jerry Stackhouse catch a lemon shark, which wasn’t at the bridge, so just shut up, Jerry.
19:49 — Haha, Jerry Stackhouse was a terrible vegan. Might be a good nickname.
19:58 — All that fishing, but Tom and Jerry can’t eat any of them, since they’re game fish. Maybe someone should have told Jerry this part of it before he was talking about cooking up their catches. Pure silliness.
20:47 — A UNC/Duke joke to close out the episode. Vintage.
So yes, a lot of fishing, a lot of silly this-or-that questions and a lot of references by Jerry Stackhouse to him scoring 20 points per game during various stages of his career. All in all, pretty much everything you could ask from an internet fishing show starring a “Top Chef” judge and the NBA’s most velvet throated player. I’m not necessarily sure it was the greatest 22 minutes of my life, but I’ve had worse. And hey, it’s not like a dolphin ate my snook or anything like that.