Andrew Unterberger

Andrew Unterberger

Andrew Unterberger is a chemically-dependent League Pass and Billboard chart user living in Astoria, New York. When not writing for The Basketball Jones, he is likely either attempting to master the keyboard part to Billy Joel's "Big Shot" on Rock Band 3, watching Observe and Report on cable, or obsessively refreshing his TBJ columns hoping for new comments. In between, he also writes about America's Team, the Philadelphia 76ers, for The700Level.com. He is currently available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs, provided that you supply the necessary karaoke equipment and/or magician props.

Recent Posts

2012 draft lottery bandwagon rankings

Posted by Andrew Unterberger under 2012 NBA Draft on Apr 09, 2012

So now that we’ve made our way through the Playoff Bandwagon Rankings, and we know who to root for down the stretch of the regular season and into the postseason, a question just as urgent lingers — who do we want to take it all on May 30? That’s the day of the draft lottery, somewhere in New York City, where one team will win the NBA’s equivalent of the Mega Millions, earning the right to take that player — in this case, most likely unibrowed Kentucky defensive stalwart Anthony Davis — who can turn their dismal, disappointing mess of a franchise around. Thus, the call for the Lottery Bandwagon Rankings (LBRs).

Winning the draft lottery can be infinitely more consequential to a fanbase than winning a mere playoff series or two. And while we as NBA fans probably care a little more about who wins big in the post-season, we all have a team or two we’re pulling for to win the game of ping-pong balls as well. How rewarding was it last year when Cleveland won the top pick in the draft last year, a season after being ditched by LeBron James in the most franchise-devastating free agent bolt ever — doubly so because they won with a pick swiped from the pathetic Clippers? Or the Wizards the year before, winning after Gilbert Arenas’ bad joke and Javaris Crittenton’s lack of a sense of humor made them the laughing stock of the league? Call it a conspiracy if you want, I prefer to think of it as good and just NBA karma.

So who should win it this year, then? Well, when deciding this there’s your typical variety of factors. How desperately does the team need the franchise savior? How recently has the team won? If the answer is fairly recently, how dramatic and upsetting has their fall from grace been? How much of the team’s misfortune was due to bad personnel decisions, and how much of it can be chalked up to pure bad luck? How many high picks has the team received lately, and how wisely did they deploy them?

Here’s my ranking of the 17 teams with a chance to be in the lottery, and how much I’d like to see them win a top-three pick without really factoring in how likely they are to actually win, though I’m generally more likely to root for big-loss teams than small ones. It’s as inexact a science as determining the Playoff Bandwagon Rankings, but as with many things in this world, at the end of the day, you just gotta feel it, man.

17. Utah Jazz

As funny as it would be to see Anthony Davis added to that lineup — how many high-upside bigs can you compile on one team before they unify and start a rebellion — the Jazz are pretty well off as is with recent lottery selections/trade returns Enes Kanter, Derrick Favors and Gordon Hayward. If they miss the playoffs and Golden State can avoid a bottom-seven record (neither a sure thing by any means), they’ll have two low lottery picks in this loaded draft to play with anyway. The Jazz are a trade and a signing away from being contenders again in the West and other teams just need and deserve the high pick more.

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2012 NBA playoff bandwagon rankings

Posted by Andrew Unterberger under 2012 NBA Playoffs on Apr 03, 2012

Hey, you guys know that the playoffs start tomorrow? Just kidding — they actually start a week from tomorrow (no, just kidding they actually start really soon but not soon enough that we can understand it in relation to tomorrow yet). Point is, this short-ass regular season is almost over and even though it probably feels like you just came to terms with your team tanking for the rest of the year, it’s time to start doing some figgering on who to root for down this stretch run, and more importantly, who to root for come playoff time.

Thus, the Playoff Bandwagon Rankings. TBJ devotees may remember this column from around this time (fractionally if not chronologically) last year, but just in case you’re new to the PBRs (heh), this is my rankings of the 16 to 18 teams currently in the playoff race, in order of how worthy they are of your bandwagon affections over these climactic months weeks of the NBA season. As always, this list does not include the Lakers or Heat, simply because I either can’t or straight-up refuse to think rationally about Kobe Bryant or LeBron James. (You probably already know what you think of those guys and their respective squads anyway. They’re big and people talk about them a lot.)

Teams are ranked based on a variety of factors in highly unequal percentages. These factors include, but are not limited to: How likely the team is to make the playoffs (optimally: very likely), how likely the team is to make a deep run (optimally: likely, but not so likely that they’re a foregone conclusion), how interesting the team is compared to past years, how many intriguing subplots surround the team, and how good a mixture they have of familiar, possibly friendly faces and fresher, newer names in the mix. General unpredictability is a huge boon in the PBRs, and straight-through staleness is a sure kiss of death.

So here are the 17 teams you’re most likely to meet in the postseason, ranked from least to most bandwagonable. Apologies to the Wolves and Blazers, who arguably have a punters’ chance still of making the playoffs, but who I don’t see as credible enough a threat to the Top 16 to include here. Don’t worry, we’ll see them later this week in the Lottery Bandwagon Rankings. (Seriously.)

17. Orlando Magic (Last Year’s Ranking: 15)

No contest here. The Magic would likely have ranked higher had Dwight Howard not made the silly decision (from a League Pass standpoint) to waive his early termination option, thus allowing us to pretend like the Magic’s postseason performance could have impact on whether or not Dwight would re-sign in the off-season. Now, what’s the compelling story here, exactly? How much is Dwight gonna kick himself when the Magic crap out in the first or second round? I guess you could make an argument for Glen “Big Baby” Davis being a ticking postseason timebomb of questionable decision-making, but unless he’s gonna hit another game-winner and knock over a kid celebrating, I’m cool reading about it on the blogs the next day.

And for people who argue that this team could make a 2009-like Finals run … I don’t see it. That ’09 team was a lot better than this one, and the ’09 Cavs and Celtics (minus KG) weren’t as good as this year’s Heat and Bulls. Not impossible, but not likely enough to affect their ranking here.

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All-Star memories: Derrick Rose shows himself at the 2009 Skills Challenge

Posted by Andrew Unterberger under 2012 All-Star Weekend, All-Star Memories, Chicago Bulls on Feb 24, 2012

One of the most frustrating parts to me of All-Star Weekends, at least in recent years, has been the general lack of flair shown by the young guys. Humility has been pounded into these dudes as being such a virtue of the game — and a lot of them are probably a little shy in their inexperience to begin with — that you don’t get to see any of the arrogance of youth that you’d otherwise expect from young athletes at the highest level of their craft.

All-Star Weekend is a time where the game’s best and brightest should be showing off not only their games but their personalities. As arguably the most character-driven of the Big Four American sports, it makes sense that the sport should use its high-visibility weekend to introduce its marquee players, and what those players are all about, to national audiences. Yet, if you were to draw a conclusion from watching the silent, grim-faced participants of the Rookie-Sophomore game, you’d think the future of the league rested in the hands of a bunch of swaggerless automatons.

When we saw Derrick Rose, reigning No. 1 pick for the Chicago Bulls, at the 2009 Skills Challenge, we still didn’t know all that much about him as a pro. We knew he was going to be good, though we wouldn’t know quite how good until the Bulls’ first-round series against the Celtics in that year’s postseason. Moreover, he had shown the PR reticence typical of rookies in high-pressure situations, saying little and giving nothing of import away, especially visually, where his face remained a perpetually blank canvas. The only off-court headline he made his entire rookie year was for a precarious injury he suffered while eating an apple in bed. Even though we all suspected that the story was bogus — how could it not be? — Rose had given us no real evidence to prove that he wasn’t capable of being that absurd or boring.

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Pick-and-Pop: Which Western Conference jerseys are going to the rafters?

Posted by Andrew Unterberger under NBA History, Pick-and-Pop on Feb 21, 2012

If you missed Andrew Unterberger’s look at which Eastern Conference jerseys might be retired in the future, check that out. Here are his picks for the Western Conference.

DALLAS MAVERICKS:

Already Retired: Brad Davis, Rolando Blackman

Definitely: Dirk Nowitzki

Possibly: Jason Kidd, Jason Terry, Michael Finley, Steve Nash

Maybe Someday: N/A

Analysis: Few organizations will have the number of tough decisions to make when it comes to jersey retiring in the near future than the Mavericks will. Dirk is the only clear-cut retiree — he’s the greatest player in Mavericks history, and the second he decides to take off his Dallas jersey for good, he may as well hand it directly to Mark Cuban for hoisting preparation. After that though, you have a lot of guys who had success as a Maverick, but spent important portions of their career elsewhere, including Dirk’s old Big Three buddies Michael Finley and Steve Nash, both of whom helped raise the franchise from laughing stock to contender, but went on to great success elsewhere, with Finley winning a championship in San Antonio and Nash becoming a two-time MVP in Phoenix.

Meanwhile, in Jasons Kidd and Terry, you have two guys who had their most prolific statistical seasons elsewhere — Kidd in NJ, Terry in Atlanta — but only won a championship in Dallas. Kidd has the benefit of being a two-time Mav, first helping to turn the team around in the mid-1990s and then providing one of the final pieces to the championship puzzle in the late-2000s, while Terry is the sentimental favorite for his fan-baiting antics and his consistently clutch play across eight seasons in Big D. Still, with only two numbers retired in 30-plus years of Maverick history, with such franchise leading lights as Derek Harper and Mark Aguirre being denied, none of these guys are necessarily shoo-ins.

If I had to guess, I’d say that Kidd and Terry do get immortalized for their role in the franchise’s first championship, while Nash and Finley are unfortunately (and perhaps unfairly) forgotten about. Don’t rule out the possibility of Deron Williams or Dwight Howard having their jerseys retired at the AAC before the end of this season, though. Mark Cuban is not above a couple shady recruiting tactics.

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Pick-and-pop: Which Eastern Conference jerseys are going to the rafters?

Posted by Andrew Unterberger under NBA History, Pick-and-Pop on Feb 21, 2012

I’m somewhat fascinated by the concept of jersey retiring, because it’s one of the only career-based honors a player can receive whose standards are almost completely arbitrary. Most Halls of Fame have certain statistical benchmarks that one you pass, you’re an almost automatic entry. The Naismith is no exception — 20,000 points, double-digit All-Star appearances, one or more regular season or Finals MVPs, you’re probably in — while if you fail to reach any of those types of numbers, you probably won’t be considered. So formulaic is the Basketball Hall that Basketball-Reference actually came up with a literal formula to calculate a player’s odds of making it, and for the most part, it seems pretty reliable as a predictor.

There’s no such formula for jersey retiring. The qualifications are completely different from team to team, and a player who sees his jersey laid to rest by one team might not have had a chance with the same numbers for a different franchise. When debating jersey retiring, you have to consider everything from individual statistics to franchise success to franchise history to even fan relations. It’s a tricky decision-making process that sees some obscure players canonized while obvious greats are denied.

Take the case of Bruce Bowen, whose jersey is to be retired by the Spurs, despite the fact that he never played in an All-Star Game or averaged double-digit points for a season. Then take the case of LeBron James, a player who in seven years in Cleveland won two MVPs and a scoring title, played in six All-Star Games, and ushered in the most successful period of basketball (five straight playoff appearances and the franchise’s first trip to the Finals) in Cavaliers history, yet may never see his No. 23 hung to the rafters at Quicken Loans arena. It’s a disparity that could never be explained by objective numbers, but nonetheless makes perfect sense within the historical contexts of both teams. Pretty interesting shit if you ask me.

Anyway, the recent news of Bowen’s number retiring (as well as the far bigger no-brainer of Shaquille O’Neal with the Lakers) had me wondering about what numbers across the NBA were likely to be retired, and I thought it would be a cool exercise to go team-by-team and break down the definites, the probables, and the maybe somedays among those players active and retired witch a chance of being so immortalized. Here’s what I’ve come up with, in alphabetical order by conference. We’ll start with the East and the West will come later today. Let me know if and how much you disagree.

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Pick-and-Pop: The 42 best music-based puns for Kevin Love’s last name

Posted by Andrew Unterberger under Minnesota Timberwolves, Pick-and-Pop on Feb 14, 2012

Before the season, I ranked the Minnesota Timberwolves as the No. 1 League Pass team in the NBA, and about 40 percent of the way through the season, my ranking seems justified. There have been some minor disappointments — Derrick Williams has gotten off to a slow start, J.J. Barea has been injured, Anthony Randolph comes and goes — but they’ve been made up for from surprisingly compelling contributions from guys like Nikola Pekovic and Wesley Johnson (OK not Wesley Johnson, he sucks) and the long-overdue return of Brad Miller. Of course, the combo of Ricky Rubio and Kevin Love makes the team a must-watch all by their lonesome. They’re a fun team, a young team, and for at least one brief shining moment in early February, even a winning team.

Really, there’s only one thing hindering their League Pass potential, and it’s this: Their play-by-play guy, Tom Hanneman, doesn’t make nearly enough Kevin Love puns. I heard one, once — I’d tell you what it was here but I’m gonna need it for myself later (I marked it with an asterisk) — but generally speaking, he does not draw from the well very often. This is inconceivable to me. Do you have any idea how rare it is to get a player with the word “Love,” the most common improper noun in the history of song titles and song lyrics, on your team? I’ll tell you how rare. There have only been three players in league history with that last name (Bob, Stan, Kevin), and they’ve played a combined 19 seasons between them. This is NOT an opportunity that you take for granted.

So maybe Tom Hanneman isn’t the most pop-literate of announcers, who knows. As TBJ’s resident pop culture correspondent, I’m willing to help him out a little bit. I won’t say “do his homework for him,” exactly, even though we all know that’s basically what I’m doing. Here are what are, in my opinion, the 42 best possible announcer puns involving Kevin Love’s last name, to be read in Hanneman’s voice, and imagined as taking place during a Timberwolves home game. Some of them are all-purpose, some of them are only in play in very specific circumstances, but there’s no excuse for a good T-Wolves announcer to not have every single one of them in his arsenal, just in case. He’ll see.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.

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Pick-and-Pop: Hoops references in hip-hop from January

Posted by Andrew Unterberger under Music, Pick-and-Pop on Feb 06, 2012

The synergy between basketball and hip-hop has been there ever since Big Bank Hank of the Sugarhill Gang — the fat one with the weird hat — bragged about watching the Knicks playing basketball on his color TV in 1979. (Why it was so great watching the depressing late-’70s Knicks in standard def is beyond me, but this guy also thought it was a good idea to call Superman a fairy, so yeah.) Since then, every new month has brought with it a new spate of basketball references in rap lyrics, adding to the shared culture and history between the two mediums of artistic expression.

So in the first of what will hopefully be a recurring column on this site, I’m going to look at some of rap’s most high profile and/or noteworthy baller name-drops from the month of January 2012, break them down and grade them. And remember, when I shout out “Jackson! Tyson! Jordan!,” it is your civic responsibility to holler back “GAME SIX!!”

TYGA, “RACK CITY”: “I need my money pronto / Get it in the morning like Alonzo / Rondo, green got cheese like a nacho.”

Technically a holdover from late 2011, “Rack City” really broke out in the first weeks of 2012, and thus gets inclusion here for one of its more perplexing lyrics. The “morning like Alonzo” part of it is easily understood (though thoroughly meaningless), but the next line is a little harder to decipher. Is the Young Money young’n saying that Rajon Rondo, while wearing his Boston green, has cheese like a nacho? (Rondo is making a cool $10 mil this year, though that still ranks him as just the team’s fourth highest-paid player.) Is it that Rondo and the rest of his Green brethren are super rich? (Hard to argue with, I suppose.) Or is the “green” in reference to Rondo’s teammate Jeff Green, whose salary was voided this year due to his medical exemption? (Tyga released the song on December 2nd and thus could not have known this ahead of time.)

Of course, none of these explanations would in any way tie in with Alonzo Mourning, or the pressing need to be paid before lunchtime, none of them really make sense, and all of them bring up the mental image of nacho cheese. “Rondo, green got cheese like a croque-monsieur” would’ve been a lot more appetizing.

Grade: D+ (But if you’ve never watched the video, holy hell you must)

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