Archive for the ‘A List’ Category

A list of Lakers guards who are not injured

Posted by Trey Kerby under 2013 NBA Playoffs, A List, Los Angeles Lakers on Apr 25, 2013

andrew-goudelock-darius-morris

If you watched last night’s Lakers-Spurs game or today’s episode of The Fix, then you already know that both Steves, Nash and Blake, got hurt in Los Angeles’ loss. And if you watched Game 1, then you know Jodie Meeks got hurt in that loss. And if you like basketball, you already know that Kobe Bryant is out with a torn Achilles tendon. And if you know how teams work, you know this news from the Lakers Twitter feed is really bad.

INJURY UPDATE: @SteveBlake5 had an ultrasound today, confirmed a moderate strain of his right hamstring. He’s out indefinitely.

INJURY UPDATE: @Jmeeks20 will have an MRI test this afternoon on his sprained left ankle. His status for tomorrow’s game is doubtful.

INJURY UPDATE: @SteveNash recieved 2 epidural injections in his back today & a cortisone shot in his right hip. He is doubtful for tomorrow.

Fun tweets, to be sure, but this means now is probably a good time to take a quick inventory of which Lakers guards that exist might actually be healthy enough to play on Friday. After scouring every piece of available information, I’ve determined that these are the noteworthy Lakers’ guard options for Game 3.

  • Chris Duhon, point guard
  • Andrew Goudelock, shooting guard
  • Darius Morris, point guard
  • Magic Johnson, point guard who would probably come back in a second if the Lakers weren’t joking
  • Ted Vagina, security guard
  • Nick Van Exel, combo guard/Hawks coach
  • Jerry West logo on jerseys, old guard/thread
  • Byron Scott, unemployed shooting guard/head coach
  • Brian Shaw, shooting guard/Pacers coach
  • Adrian Dantley, crossing guard

As you can see, there are not a lot of options here. It’s pretty much sucky current players, a coach for another team, an old guy or Will Ferrell. Considering Will’s like 6-foot-3, he might be the best choice. Let’s hear your ideas in the comments.

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A list of other times when Carlos Boozer doesn’t know what he’s doing

Posted by Trey Kerby under A List, Chicago Bulls, New York Knicks on Apr 12, 2013

carmelo-anthony-fouling-carlos-boozer

The equally injured Bulls and Knicks played basketball last night. And even though Steve “No Contact” Novak is the only player who took the court who is listed taller than 6-foot-9, there were still physical moments in a game that most closely resembled a men’s league, where the tallest player on the court is the default center and everyone just guarded whoever on the other team was their same size. The majority of those moments came when Carlos Boozer and Carmelo Anthony were matched up in the post, which makes sense since those were the only two players in the game who have any sort of postup acumen.

But even though Melo has been getting his power forward on this season, he wasn’t quite ready for Boozer’s shoulders and screaming style of basketball. Which led to this quote, courtesy of Newsday’s Al Iannazzone:

“Boozer is Boozer,” Anthony said. “Sometimes I don’t think Boozer be knowing what he be doing out there as far as clearing out and the way he plays. He’s so wide, shoulders is wide, elbows just be flaring. I think sometimes he doesn’t know what he’s doing out there.”

Yes, fair. That is a big part of Boozer’s weirdly effective offense game — he’s just one of 17 players this season who is averaging at least 16 points a game on at least 47 percent shooting, and the other 16 players are all really good — wherein he just bashes in to people because he’s certainly not jumping over them. And even though I can’t confirm this, I feel like that’s part of the reason he has a last name that rhymes with “Bruiser.” It can’t just be coincidence.

But since he mentioned it, we should probably let Carmelo Anthony know that there are a whole bunch of other times when Carlos Boozer doesn’t know what he’s doing. These include but are not limited to the following:

  • When playing defense.
  • When deciding the proper times to scream about and-ones or rebounds.
  • When deciding how much paint to put on his head.
  • When rapping.
  • When figuring out what really matters, yo.
  • When throwing skip passes.
  • When renting his house to Prince and not expecting it to turn purple.

Obviously there are a lot of times when Carlos Boozer doesn’t know what he’s doing, but like Carmelo Anthony said, “Boozer is Boozer.” That doesn’t hold quite the caché of “Manny being Manny,” but I think it’s a fair substitute. And hey, if you can think of other times Carlos Boozer doesn’t know what he’s doing, let’s hear em.

(via Beyond the Buzzer)

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A list of NBA dogs

Posted by Trey Kerby under A List, Animals on Mar 27, 2013

dog-wearing-nuggets-headband

Inspired by today’s show, here is a list of NBA dogs.

  • Chris Kanine
  • Jack Russell Westbrook
  • Trevor Retriza
  • Jason Terrier
  • Dalmashawn Marion
  • Kirk Weimerhinrich
  • St. Bernard James
  • Jan Viszlay
  • Kyle Corgi
  • Salukeith Bogans
  • Dog Shammdog
  • Shiba Enes Kanter
  • Carmalamute Anthony
  • Dachshund Rivers
  • Cocker Daniel “Boobie” Gibson
  • Brandon Basset
  • Darren Collieson
  • Bichon Livingston
  • Chow Gasol
  • Dobermanu Ginobili
  • Jodie Great Pyreneeks
  • Ian Beagle
  • Cujoakim Noah
  • Lassie Belfair
  • Rip Hamilton-tin-tin
  • Nando de Shiloh

Please, please, please add your own in the comments. It will make you feel great.

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A list of things Gregg Popovich doesn’t want you to do during a basketball game

Posted by Trey Kerby under A List, San Antonio Spurs on Jan 07, 2013

Stephen Jackson sprained his ankle on Mayor Bloomberg’s ankle and now Gregg Popovich is doing his Spurs-y best to rid the NBA of sideline food ordering. I’m not joking. From Spurs Nation:

“After what happened, I have no doubt the league has contacted teams to make sure everybody shores up their discipline in that area,” he said. “It’s obvious people shouldn’t be ordering beers or Cokes or hot dogs when the game is going on.”

That’s right — no beers, Cokes or hot dogs during the game. Notice he makes no mention of where you can’t order, just that you shouldn’t be able to order food or drink during the game at all. He’s probably against nachos, Fiddle Faddle and manly nut snacks too, but that remains to be seen. Gregg Popovich wants your focus on the game, NOT on eating delicious, overpriced snacks. (This is probably why Boris Diaw has been effective as a Spur.)

However, it isn’t just the simple act of ordering food that Gregg Popovich hates — he’s also against a whole bunch of things that always happen at basketball games. For instance:

  • No smiling.
  • No asking if anyone is happy.
  • Don’t do the wave.
  • Don’t take a picture of the court and put it on Instagram.
  • SUB RULE: If you do Instagram a court photo, DO NOT use the Toaster filter.
  • Cheering for food-based promotions is prohibited.
  • When you go in to the bathroom, don’t take a middle urinal when the side ones are open. It’s weird.
  • No wearing a basketball jersey over a dress shirt.
  • Don’t look at the cheerleaders. They’re there to work out, not get creeped out.
  • Wash your hands in the restroom.
  • DO NOT make jokes about how the mascot is a little too fanciful for your tastes. That is his job.
  • No standing to cheer. It makes your feet stick out further, which is dangerous.
  • Better yet, no cheering for fans who have not either a) played in the NBA b) coached in the NBA or c) devoted your entire life to studying the game because you just don’t get it, OK?
  • Only fans in the upper level are allowed to carry their keys.
  • Don’t look at me.

I’m sure there are a host of other things that Gregg Popovich hates, but these are the most important. We can’t have fans having too much fun at the game, lest they forget to pay attention to what’s happening on the court. And seriously, don’t even think about eating when you’re around Pop. He can smell it on your breath.

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A list of A Tribe Called Quest nicknames for the Clippers’ bench

Posted by Trey Kerby under A List, Los Angeles Clippers, Music on Dec 10, 2012

One of my least favorite things about the NBA is that every time a bench unit does well together to the point where they’re recognized by the media, they almost always get nicknamed “The Bench Mob.” The Kings have been the Bench Mob, the Celtics have been the Bench Mob, the Bulls were the Bench Mob as recently as last season, and people are already trying to make the Nets’ bench full of old, bald shooting guards in to the new Bench Mob. This sort of thing would not stand for individual players, so it shouldn’t stand for benches.

And that’s why this sort of thing is such a breath of fresh air. From ESPN :

We all had our own lame ideas [for a bench nickname]. I threw out “Lob Deep,” but was immediately shot down. Dan Woike of the Orange County Register threw out “Mob Deep,” but he found out the New York Knicks had used that nickname last year. Woike then got a tweet from a San Francisco Bay Area follower with the handle @squidwai and “A Tribe Called Bench” was born.

Over the past three games, the Clippers have started to play highlights of the second unit to A Tribe Called Quest’s “Scenario” and the #ATribeCalledBench hashtag has started trending on Twitter in Los Angeles during Clippers games.

OK, so “A Tribe Called Bench” is a pretty bad nickname and not even the best iteration of that particular phrase in this particular situation — I’d vote “A Bench Called Quest,” since it doesn’t make a whole bunch of sense to have two collective terms in the same nickname for one unit — but at least someone is trying something other than Bench Mob. I appreciate the ingenuity of reaching for a classic rap group to describe one of the most exciting 5-man squads in the league.

And because it’ll be fun to call Eric Bledsoe “The 5-Foot Assassin” or Lamar Odom “The Ummah,” let’s try to figure out an actually great nickname based upon A Tribe Called Quest’s works. Together we can do this.

  • Midquarter Marauders
  • The Paths of Rhythm
  • The Love Movement
  • Vibes and Stuffs
  • Layups to Go
  • The Clips, Part II
  • The Skypagers
  • The Funky Diabetics
  • Industry Rule No. 4080
  • Butter Babies
  • The Award Tour
  • RRRRRROAW RRRRRRROAW, the Dunkin’ Dragons
  • Native Dunks
  • Ballevard Status
  • The Low End of the Bench Theory

Maybe you are thinking that none of these are good nicknames, and maybe you are right. But that’s where you come in — leave your best ATCQ-themed nickname for the Clippers’ bench in the comments below. Winner gets the satisfaction of being great at the internet.

46 Comments

A list of menacing phrases for David Stern to use when disciplining teams

Posted by Seth Rosenthal under A List, Stern Says on Dec 05, 2012

David Stern has a well-documented history of busting out menacing phrases to make his point, with his promise of “substantial sanctions” upon Gregg Popovich and the Spurs being the most recent example. Stern doesn’t just blurt these out of the blue, though. He’s working down a list, and we’ve gained exclusive access to said list, and transcribed it for easy perusal. Take a gander:

MENACING PHRASES TO USE WHEN I AM MAD
By David

  • Enormous consequences.
  • Substantial sanctions.
  • Massive ramifications.
  • Humongous damages.
  • Gargantuan penalties.
  • Elephantine punishments.
  • Big troubles.
  • “Big Trouble,” but the Tim Allen movie, not the Dave Barry novel on which it’s based.
  • Things that are seriously very, very bad.
  • So much yelling.
  • How much money do you have? Give it.
  • A series of strongly-worded letters.
  • Misspelled surnames on all your jerseys.
  • Solid metal ping-pong balls at the draft lottery.
  • No more home games.
  • No more home games and everybody but you gets jetpacks.
  • New dress code: chainmail only.
  • Back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-backs.
  • Everybody gets express written consent to re-broadcast and reproduce your broadcasts.
  • Distractible mop guys.
  • Only referees who have previously been mugged in your home city.
  • Pussycat Dolls.
  • Muppet fur in your lotion.
  • Guess what? You just signed Larry Hughes.
  • First 18,000 fans in attendance get a complimentary gong.
  • Ankles are now forbidden. No more ankles.
  • Slimy basketballs.
  • Moron Mountain is a real place. Just saying.
  • Droves of syphilitic hares.
  • A plate filled with what you think are delicious cookies but actually it’s just a picture of delicious cookies.
  • Boils.

Feel free to give David a hand with some more menacing phrases in the comments below.

 

26 Comments

A list of things Phil Jackson wanted in order to become Lakers coach

Posted by Trey Kerby under A List, Los Angeles Lakers on Nov 12, 2012

If you would have polled 1,600 random people on Friday night about who was going to be the new Lakers coach, Phil Jackson would have been the overwhelming choice. My dad even emailed me about it, and that’s how you know it’s serious.

But then, out of almost nowhere, we all wake up and Mike D’Antoni is the mustachioed coach who was picked to lead the Lakers to the promised land. And the reason, at least according to my friend Multiple Sources, was that Phil Jackson wanted way too much of everything in order to take over his old team. From the Los Angeles Times:

Jackson was the overwhelming favorite to return to the Lakers until they heard his informal demands, which included a stake in team ownership, according to a person familiar with the situation.

“He was asking for the moon,” said the person, who also declined to be identified because they are not authorized to discuss the situation.

You know, fair enough. If the Lakers think it’s smarter to hire a somewhat cheaper coach while still paying out the contract of the guy they just fired, then I get that. And if Phil Jackson was seriously asking for a piece of ownership, then I totally get it. That’s a lot of control to give up to a guy who kind of just quits out of nowhere sometimes.

However, four superstars being coached by a coach who excels at coaching superstars does make a lot of sense. Pretty much the most sense possible, actually. Which is why Phil Jackson’s demands must have been totally crazy for the Lakers to offer the job to Mike D’Antoni. Amazingly, TBJ found and transcribed the informal list that Jackson submitted to the Lakers’ braintrust. Here’s what we found.

  • A stake in team ownership.
  • A steak dinner with the team’s owner’s daughter, paid for by the team owner (apps and zerts included).
  • Small private jet. Nothing fancy, just a free private jet to fly places.
  • Golden toilet.
  • Complimentary membership in Jam of the Month club.
  • Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s jacket.
  • Courtside seats for his advisor, Hungry Bear.
  • Facial hair consultation session with Lou Adler.
  • One free No. 19 from Langer’s Deli a week.
  • All of the peyote. All of it.
  • An even taller chair on the bench.
  • “I don’t care how you do it, but I need Luke and Derek back.”
  • One forum blue top hat with a gold ribbon.
  • Team-sanctioned meet and greet with Jemaine Clement of “Flight of the Conchords” to determine once and for all whether they do or don’t look like father and son.
  • Adamantium hip implants.

As you can see, he really did ask the Lakers for quite a bit. I mean, where do you even find enough adamantium to make an entire human hip? It might come back to bite them in the end, but it’s certainly understandable why so it’s easy to see why the Lakers would turn him down. In this economy? Come on. Feel free to add your own requests in the comments.

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