Archive for the ‘A List’ Category

A list of things Phil Jackson wanted in order to become Lakers coach

Posted by Trey Kerby under A List, Los Angeles Lakers on Nov 12, 2012

If you would have polled 1,600 random people on Friday night about who was going to be the new Lakers coach, Phil Jackson would have been the overwhelming choice. My dad even emailed me about it, and that’s how you know it’s serious.

But then, out of almost nowhere, we all wake up and Mike D’Antoni is the mustachioed coach who was picked to lead the Lakers to the promised land. And the reason, at least according to my friend Multiple Sources, was that Phil Jackson wanted way too much of everything in order to take over his old team. From the Los Angeles Times:

Jackson was the overwhelming favorite to return to the Lakers until they heard his informal demands, which included a stake in team ownership, according to a person familiar with the situation.

“He was asking for the moon,” said the person, who also declined to be identified because they are not authorized to discuss the situation.

You know, fair enough. If the Lakers think it’s smarter to hire a somewhat cheaper coach while still paying out the contract of the guy they just fired, then I get that. And if Phil Jackson was seriously asking for a piece of ownership, then I totally get it. That’s a lot of control to give up to a guy who kind of just quits out of nowhere sometimes.

However, four superstars being coached by a coach who excels at coaching superstars does make a lot of sense. Pretty much the most sense possible, actually. Which is why Phil Jackson’s demands must have been totally crazy for the Lakers to offer the job to Mike D’Antoni. Amazingly, TBJ found and transcribed the informal list that Jackson submitted to the Lakers’ braintrust. Here’s what we found.

  • A stake in team ownership.
  • A steak dinner with the team’s owner’s daughter, paid for by the team owner (apps and zerts included).
  • Small private jet. Nothing fancy, just a free private jet to fly places.
  • Golden toilet.
  • Complimentary membership in Jam of the Month club.
  • Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s jacket.
  • Courtside seats for his advisor, Hungry Bear.
  • Facial hair consultation session with Lou Adler.
  • One free No. 19 from Langer’s Deli a week.
  • All of the peyote. All of it.
  • An even taller chair on the bench.
  • “I don’t care how you do it, but I need Luke and Derek back.”
  • One forum blue top hat with a gold ribbon.
  • Team-sanctioned meet and greet with Jemaine Clement of “Flight of the Conchords” to determine once and for all whether they do or don’t look like father and son.
  • Adamantium hip implants.

As you can see, he really did ask the Lakers for quite a bit. I mean, where do you even find enough adamantium to make an entire human hip? It might come back to bite them in the end, but it’s certainly understandable why so it’s easy to see why the Lakers would turn him down. In this economy? Come on. Feel free to add your own requests in the comments.

29 Comments

A list of potential Mike Brown replacements for the Los Angeles Lakers

Posted by Trey Kerby under A List, Los Angeles Lakers on Nov 09, 2012

Did you hear Mike Brown got fired? It’s true. As such, the Lakers need a new coach. Here are a few ideas.

  • Phil Jackson
  • Mike D’Antoni
  • Jerry Sloan
  • Mike Krzyzewski
  • Mike Green
  • Mike Grey
  • Mike Black
  • Mike Periwinkle
  • Chuck Person
  • Wesley Person
  • Wesley Sneijder
  • Wesley Snipes
  • Bernie Bickerstaff
  • Lernie Lickerlaugh
  • Brian Shaw
  • Brian Rogers
  • Brian Bell
  • Lindsay Lohan
  • Jack Nicholson
  • Lou Adler
  • Yori Saneyoshi
  • Takeru Kobayashi
  • Kobe Bryant
  • Derek Fisher
  • Pat Riley
  • Ry Patley
  • Anybody who isn’t Stan Van Gundy

Feel free to leave your stupid suggestions in the comments. The stupider the better.

79 Comments

A list of jokes we’ll lose without center on the All-Star ballot

Posted by Trey Kerby under A List, All Star Game on Oct 24, 2012

Huge, life-changing news out of the league office last night. From NBA.com’s David Aldridge:

The league will announce Wednesday a change to its All-Star ballot that will, for the first time, allow fans to vote for three undefined “frontcourt” players instead of having to vote for two forwards and a center. With more and more teams playing smaller than in the past, the definition of “center” was becoming increasingly difficult — not to mention finding enough quality big men for whom to vote.

Now you might be thinking that this isn’t a big deal and that random centers are often the least deserving All-Stars on their respective teams, simply because they’re forced in there due to their coaches deciding to list them as centers during the regular season. But that’s exactly the point — without a couple of undeserving All-Stars now and then, we’ll be missing out on a whole bunch of jokes.

For instance, if center was never a defined position for the All-Star Game, the following jokes wouldn’t even exist.

  • Any and all references to the time Jamaal Magloire made an All-Star team (2004), despite the fact he played pretty well the one time he made it.
  • Roy Hibbert telling us at this past All-Star Game that his superpower would be to never stop growing.
  • Tas being infatuated with Al Horford’s beautiful eyes during media day.
  • Chris Kaman and David Lee taking basketball back to the 1980s during the 2010 All-Star Game
  • Brad Miller going down in history as one of the few players to have played in back-to-back All-Star Games while switching conferences in between.
  • All those times Dikembe Mutombo would freak out during boring dunks at the dunk contest.
  • Jermaine O’Neal ruining Michael Jordan’s 2003 game-winner with a really dumb foul on Kobe Bryant.
  • Michael Jordan getting dap from Brad Miller and Zydrunas Ilgauskas of all people after hitting that should-have-been game-winner.
  • A man named James Donaldson going down as the worst All-Star ever, being selected to the 1988 game during a season where he averaged seven points and nine rebounds per game.

As you can see, there is a lot at stake here. I know we are in the midst of the Positional Revolution and that this is supposed to reflect that, but we are still living in the Meme Society and I think we can all agree that All-Star laughs are some of the best things about All-Star Weekend. This is truly the end of an era.

Rest in peace, center spot. By being so bad, you’ve been very good to us.

10 Comments

A list of things to buy with Michael Jordan’s expired credit card

Posted by Trey Kerby under A List, Michael Jordan, Ostentatious Displays of Wealth on Sep 14, 2012

Michael Jordan’s old credit card is going to be auctioned soon, meaning you can own the very piece of plastic that was used to buy a closet full of baggy dad jeans. So that is pretty cool, I guess.

And while you might not think it’s possible to buy anything with an expired credit card, well, don’t tell Michael Jordan there’s something he can’t do unless you want to end up in a Hall of Fame speech. The key, as you may have surmised, is to only buy things that would have been relevant back when the card was active, then hope they still hold up in 2012.

With that in mind, here’s a list of things you could buy today with Michael Jordan’s expired credit card.

  • Yellow sweater vest/gigantic untucked white dress shirt 2-for-1combination shirt
  • iPod Nano covers that look like wool socks
  • “Confessions of an Heiress,” Paris Hilton’s autobiography
  • Distressed military hat
  • Kwame Brown
  • Lot of 100 Livestrong bracelets (or lot of 100 Kabbalah red string bracelets)
  • Tickets to the Blue Collar Comedy Tour
  • “Napoleon Dynamite” on DVD
  • “Chappelle’s Show” season one box set
  • Anything off of the Britney Spears-Kevin Federline wedding registry
  • Opening night tickets to “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo”
  • Trucker hats
  • Myspace stock
  • Black Eyed Peas “My Humps” CD single
  • Black Eyed Peas “Let’s Get It Started” CD single
  • Black Eyed Peas “Don’t Phunk with My Heart” CD single
  • Black Eyed Peas “Hey Mama” CD single
  • Good odds on who would be named the new pope
  • Gilbert Arenas All-Star jersey

So you see, having Michael Jordan’s expired credit card is definitely going to come in handy, as pretty much nothing here is going to seem dated in today’s day and age. And while this list is a very good start, you know Michael Jordan had a pretty massive credit line. Ergo, let’s hear some of your purchases in the comments.

(via Darren Brovell/Ball Don’t Lie)

7 Comments

A list of future Team USA rhyming nicknames

Posted by Matt Osten under A List, Nicknames, Olympics on Jul 23, 2012

In 1992, the Dream Team helped set two important precedents: 1. America would be represented by its best professional, not amateur, players, and 2. Future United States men’s basketball squads would be given a moniker that rhymed with “team.” 1996 saw “The Dream Team III” win gold, 2008 brought us the “Redeem Team” and some have already dubbed this year’s web-savvy squad the “Meme Team.”

Keeping with that tradition, what follows is a list of some United States Olympic teams we’ll likely see in the coming years:

  • The Hakeem Team: A group of players who have spent the summer (between one and three hours, including lunch) working with Hall of Fame center Hakeem Olajuwon. Members will include Amar’e Stoudemire, Dwight Howard, LeBron James, Kobe Bryant and, somehow, JaVale McGee.
  • The Scalene Team: A team that runs only the triangle offense. Tensions rise when Kobe insists Phil Jackson taught the triangle as more of an isosceles.
  • The “I Have a Dream” Team: Blake Griffin, Stephen Curry, and Jason Kidd head a super team of biracial players. The back of the bus remains empty.
  • The Steam Team: In the future, Greg Stiemsma will be cloned 11 times and a team formed with his doppelgangers. This team will fail to qualify for the Olympics, but will be invoked frequently as a cautionary tale on the limits of genetic science.
  • The Upstream Team: After all other players refuse to join, a desperate U.S. sends a two-man team of John Salmons and Derek Fisher to compete in the Olympics. They fail to medal in basketball but win gold in beach volleyball.
  • The C.R.E.A.M. Team: Max players only, with a starting five of Roy Hibbert, Gilbert Arenas, Rudy Gay, Joe Johnson and Rashard Lewis.
  • The Green Team: Michael Beasley, Delonte West, and Tracy McGrady’s eyes lead this group of marijuana enthusiasts. Training camp starts April 20. Mark Blount to coach.

Feel free to add your best rhyming names in the comments.

47 Comments

A list of possible amnesty bids for Andray Blatche

Posted by Trey Kerby under A List, Washington Wizards on Jul 18, 2012

Apparently forever is only 28 days.

That’s how long it took from the time Andray Blatche tweeted he’d be in Washington “forever lol” until he was amnestied by the Wizards, who jettisoned the burrito eating, “Lapdance Tuesday” hosting, prostitute soliciting underachiever after not being able to find a team who would take him off their hands, officially ending the Knucklehead Era in D.C. Who’s lol-ing now? (Probably no one since the Wizards still have to pay him $23 million and Blatche has to convince another team to let him play for them.)

While Blatche isn’t expected to garner a single bid from a team hoping to pick him up off waivers, there does exist a chance that some confident team could swoop him to snag him before he becomes a free agent. What follows is a list of possible bids that we may see in the next few days from some teams that are eligible to acquire amnestied players:

  • Sacramento Kings — 11 jars of mayonnaise, five containers of mustard and 12 dozen hard-boiled eggs
  • Toronto Raptors — one ton of scrap metal from various condo construction projects
  • Indiana Pacers — VHS copy of “Hoosiers” and Hot Wheels replica of Indy 500 pacecar
  • Cleveland Cavaliers — “The Drew Carey Show” complete series on DVD, discarded brochures from Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
  • Atlanta Hawks — a TI guest verse
  • Charlotte Bobcats — bag of hair, some old orange shorts and the Racefan Ultimate NASCAR app for the iPhone
  • Houston Rockets — Steve Francis/Cuttino Mobley commemorative cuddle blanket from canceled promotion during 2000-01 season
  • New Orleans Hornets — some extra tweezers Anthony Davis didn’t want
  • Phoenix Suns — Sebastian Telfair
  • Milwaukee Bucks — three pounds string cheese (cheddar)
  • Portland Trail Blazers — two knee injuries and eight inches of rain

As you can see, the Andray Blatche market is pretty dried up. There are even rumors that the Bucks’ original bid would have included an additional three pounds of mozzarella string cheese, but they pulled that because they didn’t think he was worth it. Tough break, but I’m sure the $23 million will cheer him up.

Feel free to leave your Andray Blatche amnesty bids in the comments.

34 Comments

A list of reasons Steve Nash may not have signed with the Raptors

Posted by Trey Kerby under A List, Los Angeles Lakers, Toronto Raptors on Jul 05, 2012

As we all know, Steve Nash spurned the Toronto Raptors and accepted a trade to the Los Angeles Lakers, despite the fact he’s a Canadian and the team went so far as to promise to pay Landry Fields $20 million over the course of three years, just so the Knicks couldn’t sign-and-trade him to the Suns. And while you might be thinking, “Couldn’t have blocking one of his preferred trade destinations made Steve Nash mad enough that he wouldn’t want to sign with the non-title contending team who threw up the block?,” Canadians are still left searching for answers as to why the best basketball player in the nation’s history (truly sorry, Bill Wennington) would say no to his country.

As a migrant worker in Canada who has, just like Nash, spent the majority of his adult life in the United States, I can offer the unique perspective needed to explain a few of the reasons why Steve Nash might not want to come to Toronto. Even though he is a legit Canuck — which could be a great nickname, btdubs — there are some definite differences between American metropolises and Canada’s commercial center. What follows are some possible reasons why Steve Nash wouldn’t want to play basketball in Canada.

  • Bagged milk, while fun to carry, is kind of weird since it just sits open in your fridge.
  • An extra $9 million is nice, but getting it in $1 and $2 coins is super awkward/jangly.
  • Can’t get “the good cable.”
  • Only like three good taco places in the entire city.
  • After years of his product packaging having Spanish as the secondary language, switching to half-French really throws you off.
  • AMC isn’t in high definition for some reason.
  • Driving a car over streetcar tracks takes some getting used to.
  • There are only two subway lines and they have a combined total of 11 (estimated) stops.
  • Canadian Wheat Thins are worse than American Wheat Thins.
  • There is a pig slaughterhouse very close to downtown that smells terrible, like Chicago in the 1920s.
  • Can’t imagine he’d like the mayor.
  • Raptors haven’t won at least half of their games in a season since 2008.
  • Doesn’t make sense why the hockey team is called the Maple Leafs and not the Maple Leaves.
  • Canadian television commercials are strange, from the sitcom promos that only show half a joke to the random food-athlete ads that play every other break and always show the athlete practicing.
  • If you buy a computer in Canada, it is programmed to correct things like “defense” to “defence,” even if you meant to type it the first way.

These are all minor quibbles and Canada’s positives far outweigh the negatives, but if you’re a 38-year-old man who is trying to figure out where to end his professional basketball career, I can see how not wanting to adjust to these sorts of things might factor in to your decision. I mean, why can’t you watch “Breaking Bad” and “Mad Men” in HD? That doesn’t even make sense in 2012.

Nonetheless, Steve Nash is a Laker now, barring the trade being rescinded and him being sent to the Clippers instead (it happens). Surely that won’t be awkward when the Lakers end up playing in Toronto one time a year. After all, Torontonians have a history of being very civil and understanding to players who said no to their basketball team. This should definitely blow over.

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