Archive for the ‘Best Of TBJ’ Category

As a paranoid man, I am well read in the ways of male pattern baldness. I’m not bald, but I will be, and it is not a comfortable admission. As a result, for some strange reason, I have taken to spotting the development of male pattern baldness in others, as something of a really horrible habit. This habit has been a particular magnetic draw in the case of Bulls forward Carlos Boozer, whose hair has had quite the week.

Boozer’s hair has had intrigue since the latter half of the 2010-11 season, when he started to grow it out somewhat. (And by “a bit,” I mean, it went from being balder than a baby’s arse to a normal buzz cut.) It seemed obvious that Booz, having shaved his head more thoroughly for the previous few years when the thinness started to creep in, wanted a second crack at having hair. As would any man in his situation.

As a rookie, Carlos had consistent density and a solid line. The very, very minor beginnings of temple recession can be seen, but they were indeed most minor; his hair was fine as it was. However, over the first few years of his NBA career, the hair on the temples bid him adieu. The temples recede somewhat on the vast majority of men in their twenties, as many of us are probably aware, due to the simple science of your face changing shape as you age. Boozer’s, however, went a bit more than that, leaving something of a peninsula at the front. It wasn’t exactly the full Phil Collins, but it was noticeable. And so he started buzzing.

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As fans of TBJ know, Tas and Skeets bet on NBA games every day on “The Fix,” and, at the end of the month, they bust out the calculator, tally it up, and make the loser do something humiliating. It’s called the Book-Off Payoff.

Well, after Tas dominated the month of January with a 14-and-6 overall record, he forced Skeets to take to the streets and repeat every single word delivered to his earpiece. Incredibly, Skeets wasn’t punched in the face.

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Yesterday we learned that Kevin Durant didn’t think Blake Griffin’s monster dunk was all that. He grew up in the 90s so he still uses that lingo, plus he loves Amanda Bynes, but really we all do so let’s not jump down his throat.

Anyway, since Kevin Durant doesn’t care about monster dunks against his team, I had to find out what else doesn’t impress him. After a 6-hour conversation, I found out that Kevin Durant’s a real Shania Twain about things that are typically awe-inspiring.

Great Wall of China
“It’s just a wall, I think. Some guys built it and it’s pretty long. So it’s a really long wall at the end of the way. Maybe if it were in my yard I’d say it’s ‘great.’”

Grand Canyon
“As far as I’m concerned, it’s just a big hole in the ground. I have no appreciation for it at all. We’ve got a ditch in Oklahoma City that doesn’t get attention because it’s not an Arizona dent. It’s fine but I don’t think it’s ‘grand.’”

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For the past 10 seasons, Pau Gasol has reigned supreme as the NBA’s premier crazy on-court face maker. It’s been a legendary run, with his 2010 playoff performance being hailed as one of the greatest melty face displays in the history of the league.

But times have changed. There’s a new crazy face king in town. His name is Kevin Love.

Just have a look at these amazing faces, all of which come from this season.

There is no way he missed this dunk. Not with eye focus like that.

This is serious. This is a man who is shooting the most intense layup to have ever been shot. This is a man who is doing a Dennis Reynolds impersonation.

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Toronto Raptors forward Andrea Bargnani is having a career year and is a serious candidate to make his first NBA All-Star Game appearance. His secret? Well, it’s in the sauce. (Kanye West knows what’s up.)

Shout-out to Ginger Jarvis for the incredible graphics. We owe you an unlimited amount of pasta.

Yesterday, David Stern blocked Chris Paul’s trade from the New Orleans Hornets to the Los Angeles Lakers due to “basketball reasons.” But that’s not the first time something like this has happened. Let’s look back at five famous blocked trades to see what we can learn from each of these deals that didn’t happen.

1698: Jamestown Settlement Bartering Post
Cornelius Kupchak, Darrius Morensen and Dilbert Demps agree to trade a bunch of different stuff down at the old trading post. Kupchak gets Demps’ finest steed, Morensen gets a single giant pumpkin and Demps receives a couple of goats and a few bales of hay.

However, as the three gentlemen are shaking hands, town curmudgeon Nicolas Sternicus steps in to say that it’s not fair for Kupchak to get another steed when they already have one of the best steeds in all of Jamestown. When townspeople ask why Sternicus wouldn’t let these guys swap their stock, he just said “farm reasons.”

1994: Plano Middle School Trading Card Club
Trey Kerby convinces Tom Michaelson to trade his Upper Deck Grant Hill rookie card for Kerby’s giant Dino Radja card. Club sponsor Mr. Buck steps in to tell the poorly-informed Michaelson that no one is going to remember Dino Radja in a few years but Grant Hill will probably be one of the best players in the NBA.

Kerby threatens to quit the club since he spent hours working on this deal telling school reporter Aaron Wojnarowski, “[Expletive] this whole thing. Mr. Buck’s drunk on power, and he doesn’t give a [expletive] about the cards, and he doesn’t give a [expletive] about the hundreds of hours the students put in to make that deal.”

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Last night, at 7:06pm ET, Chris Paul became the second-best point guard to have ever been a member of the Lakers. At 9:23pm, the trade was blocked and Chris Paul was headed back to the Hornets.

Let’s take a look back at those 137 minutes to find Chris Paul’s biggest and best highlights.

7:06pm — Chris Paul finds out about the trade. Smiles big-time.

7:08pm — Personal chef tells him that his butternut squash risotto is ready.

7:09pm — Paul begins first official meal as a Laker.

7:13pm — Paul finishes risotto, breaking his own personal record for arborio rice per minute (ARPM). Scouts are amazed with the way he controls the pace of the meal and makes sure that each grain of rice is properly distributed.

7:22pm — Kobe Bryant discovers that everything around his house is easier to do for some reason.

7:41pm — Paul records first triple-double as a Laker by eating two each of Twix, 100 Grand and Almond Joy.

7:43pm — Paul feels sick from all the celebratory candy.

7:48pm — Metta World Peace calls Chris Paul to get some help figuring out his wireless internet connection. Paul tells him to unplug and then replug his router, recording his first official assist as a Laker.

7:57pm — Grabs his new puppy, Hoopsy, and gets her outside before she has a chance to pee on the rug. Hoopsy goes potty in the grass and Paul notches his first win as a Laker.

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