As everyone knows by now, Brad Miller is retiring at the end of the season. It’s the worst news of this NBA season and it will leave us all with a 7-foot, redneck void that will be almost impossible to fill.
But we have to do it. We have to find someone to fill that hole. The logical choice is Chris Kaman, who loves hunting, is very big and documents his kills, just like B-Milli. However, there is another contender, who’s also huge, loves being outdoors and did stints with the Bulls and Hornets. His name is Aaron Gray and he’s got a legitimate claim to the Brad Miller crown (made from sticks held together with dried chewing tobacco). From Dime magazine:
Dime: What type of stuff do you like to get into off the court?
Aaron Gray: I’m a huge outdoor guy. I recently bought a house on a lake near my parents down in Texas. I’m not like a hunter, but I love to be on a boat. I’m a big fisher and love doing anything outdoors, man. I’m not a big sit-inside-and-watch-TV guy. I feel like I do that all season because you are either tired or just resting up or you’ve spent so much time inside. In the summertime, it’s so nice just to get outdoors.
Dime: Did you do a lot of that stuff when you were in New Orleans?
AG: Oh yeah. Absolutely. We took everyone down to go on gator tours and then spent an afternoon on the bayou. There are some really cool people. They have some really cool places there, swamp areas, but there is some good lake fishing and rivers. Obviously, you can go down and get on the gulfs and start cleaning up. There’s definitely water.
Dime: What do you like most about fishing?
AG: I just enjoy the water, man, and just hanging out. I can have a great time fishing and not even catch a fish. (laughs) It’s nothing serious, but it’s something I enjoy.
As the world’s preeminent scholar in Millerhood, let me tell you that this is a pretty solid Brad Miller résumé. Gray gets major points for hanging out on the bayou and chasing gators, repeated use of the word “outdoors” and continual punctuation of his sentences with “man.” Plus, he gets to wear camouflage jerseys. That is a strong case for being the next Brad Miller, though admitting he’s “not like a hunter” really damages his argument.
That’s where Chris Kaman really shines, since he is definitely the NBA player who is most likely to follow in Miller’s footsteps by retiring to star in a hunting show. That’s a huge advantage in his favor, though I would contend that Chris Kaman is so Chris Kaman now — the hunting pictures, the gun displays, the firework videos — that he can’t be the next Brad Miller. He’s already the first Chris Kaman, which is like a less chill spinoff of Brad Miller. It’s a complicated theory, but I think you follow.
Just because Aaron Gray loves fishing and being outdoors doesn’t mean I’m going to instantly name him the next Brad Miller. He’s got a long way to go and a lot of headbands to wear before that happens. I’m just trying to keep you guys in the loop with regards to this developing situation. In 11 games, the NBA gets a whole lot less Brad Miller-y and I just want everyone to be prepared.