Archive for the ‘Crazy Pills’ Category

How Ron Artest got so crazy

This is how Ron Artest got so crazy, according to Metta World Peace himself. From Hayes Davenport at Celtics Hub, who actually went to see Artest’s first comedy show:

I was eight years old one time, and I had my first experience hearing my parents making sex noises. It was like this…(makes sex noises). And so I thought my father was really hitting my mom. My father is a beast. He is a big man.

So I opened the door and saw my mother’s nipple exposed before me. And I thought, “Man, that’s a big nipple.” I had never seen a nipple like that before. Or I had, I suppose, because I drank from it. I drank her breast milk as a baby. But then I saw it and I was getting kind of thirsty, so I thought, “Maybe I should drink from my mother’s nipples.” But I didn’t.

I walked up to the bed and pulled the blanket over my mom’s nipples. Then I looked over saw my dad’s taco meat. His taco meat was exposed. So I walked over and pulled the blanket over my dad’s taco meat.

There was food everywhere, and I saw a frank. And I was hungry. So I grabbed the frank, and I pulled on it. And my dad goes “Owwowowow.” Because I had grabbed my dad’s dick.

And he goes, “Don’t be grabbing my dick!” And he punched me. I said, “Don’t punch me! I thought it was a frank. I saw the frank on the bed and I grabbed it.” And he said, “That’s not a frank. That’s my dick!” And he punched me in the head.

And that’s how I got so crazy.

Let’s give it up for Ron Artest’s therapist for digging up this memory, because it makes for a great story that totally explains why he’s so bizarre. Good work, everyone.