This is how Ron Artest got so crazy, according to Metta World Peace himself. From Hayes Davenport at Celtics Hub, who actually went to see Artest’s first comedy show:
I was eight years old one time, and I had my first experience hearing my parents making sex noises. It was like this…(makes sex noises). And so I thought my father was really hitting my mom. My father is a beast. He is a big man.
So I opened the door and saw my mother’s nipple exposed before me. And I thought, “Man, that’s a big nipple.” I had never seen a nipple like that before. Or I had, I suppose, because I drank from it. I drank her breast milk as a baby. But then I saw it and I was getting kind of thirsty, so I thought, “Maybe I should drink from my mother’s nipples.” But I didn’t.
I walked up to the bed and pulled the blanket over my mom’s nipples. Then I looked over saw my dad’s taco meat. His taco meat was exposed. So I walked over and pulled the blanket over my dad’s taco meat.
There was food everywhere, and I saw a frank. And I was hungry. So I grabbed the frank, and I pulled on it. And my dad goes “Owwowowow.” Because I had grabbed my dad’s dick.
And he goes, “Don’t be grabbing my dick!” And he punched me. I said, “Don’t punch me! I thought it was a frank. I saw the frank on the bed and I grabbed it.” And he said, “That’s not a frank. That’s my dick!” And he punched me in the head.
And that’s how I got so crazy.
Let’s give it up for Ron Artest’s therapist for digging up this memory, because it makes for a great story that totally explains why he’s so bizarre. Good work, everyone.