Archive for the ‘Facial Hair’ Category

I don’t know about you guys, but at this point in my life, this clip is more valuable to me for its beard maintenance tips than it is for learning a proper Eurostep. I appreciate the instruction, but I think I’d just rather learn the Eurostep from a true Euro like Manu Ginobili.

Not to mention, now that “Duck Dynasty” is popular and we’re all growing our beards down to our chests, it’s good to know that it’s both sanitary and cool to comb your beard while you’re doing anything. Can’t wait to bust out a pick the next time I’m out to dinner.

indiana-pacers-sideburns

Sometimes someone mentions something to you and you just have to do a full-on investigation about what they said. Last night, when some Twitter bro named Osman asked me, “Does anyone on the Pacers have sideburns?,” was one of those times. The answer may shock you.

As you can see in the mosaic up top, and will see down below, the Indiana Pacers are one of the most sideburnophobic teams in the NBA this season. I’ve ordered every Pacer that’s played a second in the postseason from most sideburned to least sideburned, just so you can see how much these guys hate the most innocuous of facial hair. Let’s go.

sam-young-sideburns

Sam Young
Sam Young may be the worst regular rotation player who is still left in the playoffs, but at least he understands the benefit of connecting your beard to your head hair. It’s a lesson that many of his Pacers teammates have yet to learn.

ben-hansbrough-sideburns

Ben Hansbrough
Not only does BenBrough have a standard haircut that keeps the very basic sideburn around, he also appears to have tiny ant-trails burns that you see at proms across the nation. However, I will admit that I might be giving him too much credit for not really being able to grow facial hair.

tyler-hansbrough-sideburns

Tyler Hansbrough
No extended sideburns for TyBrough, but at least he hasn’t completely eliminated their launch zone like most other guys on the team. This is the standard no-sideburns trim spot.

ian-mahinmi-sideburns

Ian Mahinmi
This is basically the same thing as Tyler Hansbrough’s haircut. No long sideburns again, but at least they’re trimmed off at the usual top of the jaw/mid-ear location.

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shane-battier-new-mustache

So Shane Battier has that thing on his face now. And when ESPN’s Tom Haberstroh asked him the logical question of what he calls it, Smartypants Shane was finally at a loss for words.

“I don’t know what to call this, to be honest with you.”

No problem, bro. We’re the internet and we’ve got your mustache’s back. And that’s why it’s time to name Shane Battier’s mustache. Some suggestions:

Obviously there are about a million different directions you can go on this, so pick one of ‘em and do it already. Leave your jokes in the comments. Shane will check them later. He’s very well-read.

Everybody wants to look good for the playoffs.

If this guy grew that beard just to shave it off in this video: A. If he grew it in solidarity with the Mavericks: A-. If he was just some guy who had a beard and his buddies convinced him to shave it for their internet video and now he has to regrow a beard he was serious about keeping: A+. Really hope it’s the last one.

(via Cirque Du Sirios)

Personally, I was hoping the Mavericks would never get back to .500, but that’s just because I was hoping Dirk Nowitzki would keep his over the summer and not shave until Dallas was 1-0 next season. Can you imagine an extra three months of blonde beard on that face? He would have come back looking like a giant Jim James, who I think could actually talk Dirk in to the whole “unshaped by human hands” thing.

Oh well. I guess a man shaving set to old-timey music will have to do. Goodbye, beards.

Dirk's "beard"

We all know that the Dallas Mavericks (21-28) are in the midst of their worst season since 1999-2000, which wouldn’t be so bad if this season didn’t immediately follow their previous worst season since 1999-2000. So basically, after winning their first title, the Mavericks have turned in the two worst campaigns of the Mark Cuban era. Pretty discouraging, I’m sure, if you’re a Mavericks fan.

But don’t give up hope yet, Dallasers. The team has a plan to turn things around and I’m pretty sure it’s going to work. From ESPN’s Tim MacMahon:

Get used to Dirk with a beard. He’s one of several Mavs who have vowed not to shave until they get back to .500.

It’s like I always say — when in doubt, grow it out. It’s a time-tested theory for making your team in to a winner. Just look at the NHL. When is the last time a team won a Stanley Cup without a team full of beards? Exactly.

Not to mention, the Mavs have a bunch of solid beard guys already. Dudes like O.J. Mayo, Vince Carter and Chris Kaman have all looked really great in beards in the past, except for Kaman who was only included to make this in to a list of three. I’m not saying every Maverick that commits to bearding things up is going to look as great as O.J. and Vince but at least the other guys have facial hair role models they can look up to.

Really though, I’m just hoping that the Mavericks continue to be an average team and that it takes them a while to get back to even, mostly because I want to see Dirk with a giant beard. This might not be the best Mavericks season in recent memory, but it certainly could end up the most hirsute.