If this guy grew that beard just to shave it off in this video: A. If he grew it in solidarity with the Mavericks: A-. If he was just some guy who had a beard and his buddies convinced him to shave it for their internet video and now he has to regrow a beard he was serious about keeping: A+. Really hope it’s the last one.
Personally, I was hoping the Mavericks would never get back to .500, but that’s just because I was hoping Dirk Nowitzki would keep his over the summer and not shave until Dallas was 1-0 next season. Can you imagine an extra three months of blonde beard on that face? He would have come back looking like a giant Jim James, who I think could actually talk Dirk in to the whole “unshaped by human hands” thing.
Oh well. I guess a man shaving set to old-timey music will have to do. Goodbye, beards.
We all know that the Dallas Mavericks (21-28) are in the midst of their worst season since 1999-2000, which wouldn’t be so bad if this season didn’t immediately follow their previous worst season since 1999-2000. So basically, after winning their first title, the Mavericks have turned in the two worst campaigns of the Mark Cuban era. Pretty discouraging, I’m sure, if you’re a Mavericks fan.
But don’t give up hope yet, Dallasers. The team has a plan to turn things around and I’m pretty sure it’s going to work. From ESPN’s Tim MacMahon:
Get used to Dirk with a beard. He’s one of several Mavs who have vowed not to shave until they get back to .500.
It’s like I always say — when in doubt, grow it out. It’s a time-tested theory for making your team in to a winner. Just look at the NHL. When is the last time a team won a Stanley Cup without a team full of beards? Exactly.
Not to mention, the Mavs have a bunch of solid beard guys already. Dudes like O.J. Mayo, Vince Carter and Chris Kaman have all looked really great in beards in the past, except for Kaman who was only included to make this in to a list of three. I’m not saying every Maverick that commits to bearding things up is going to look as great as O.J. and Vince but at least the other guys have facial hair role models they can look up to.
Really though, I’m just hoping that the Mavericks continue to be an average team and that it takes them a while to get back to even, mostly because I want to see Dirk with a giant beard. This might not be the best Mavericks season in recent memory, but it certainly could end up the most hirsute.
Athletes trademarking various things about themselves isn’t new. Just last month, Jeremy Lin won the trademark battle for “Linsanity,” which was a real thing that people were fighting about. If there’s money to be made from the sale of something, it’s better to protect that moneymaker than to let someone profit off of it. I learned all about this in a college course called “Things About Business That You Pretty Much Already Know.”
So it’s no surprise that Anthony Davis would trademark “Fear the Brow” and “Raise the Brow” in order to secure the rights to his prodigious forehead caterpillar. However, the reason behind why he wanted to trademark it is the true surprise. From CNBC:
“I don’t want anyone to try to grow a unibrow because of me and then try to make money off of it,” Davis told CNBC. “Me and my family decided to trademark it because it’s very unique.”
Hahahahahahahahaha. SURE. Sure, Anthony Davis. I’d definitely be worried that people are going to see your unibrow and be like, “Whoa. I can make so much money if I just grow a unibrow.” People have been conditioned to be grossed out by unibrows for years, but now they’re going to see it’s profitability? Probably not.
I mean, does he really think this is going to happen?