Archive for the ‘NBA Activities’ Category

I am a human, so sometimes I forget things. Generally, they are small, mostly unimportant things (“Aw crap, I forgot to return ‘Jonah Hex’ to Blockbuster”). Sometimes, they’re slightly bigger, slightly more consequential things (“Aw crap, I rented ‘Jonah Hex’ from Blockbuster”). And occasionally they are very nearly catastrophic things (my biggest blunder remains leaving our weeks-old twin sons at a restaurant table unattended while I went and got sweet tea, which, make sure you know, was as traumatic as watching Jonah Hex’). But still, I remember I was at a sports bar the last week of March 2012, and I remember that because that was the first time I watched JaVale McGee do something HYPER amazing in real time.

In the third quarter of a close (albeit boring) game, McGee swiped in and a stole a lazy pass from Jose Calderon to Andrea Bargnani. Rather than pass it off to his outlet, the lovely Ty Lawson, he instead kept it. He dribbled the length of the floor — he’s nine feet tall, don’t forget — spied that Calderon was the only one that had bothered to get back on defense, cockpunched gravity, then raised up and dunked it from, if I’m remembering correctly, right around halfcourt. Poor Jose Calderon was atomized. I believe they buried him the next day. It was a closed casket funeral.

I love JaVale McGee. I hope you do too. If you don’t, the least you can do is help him remember what he was thinking about earlier. Leave your handiwork in the comments or on our Facebook page.

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I was in the fifth grade when I decided I was going to play in the NBA. I knew I’d make it because I had all of the tools. I was short (I didn’t first top 5-foot-7 until I was in the eleventh grade). I was super duper thin (I don’t think I’ve ever weighed more than any of the Backstreet Boys in my entire life). I was unathletic (I’d guess I’ve led every league I’ve ever played in in Unintentional Fall Downs While Trying To Rebound). I was superheroically weak (Push-Ups? Please, more like Lay-Theres). And I was terrified of everything.

And my jumper, OH MAN THE JUMPER. It was an action of the highest order, the sporting equivalent to God creating the firmament.

I’d gather all of my energies into my hands, squat down towards the earth, start the ball at my shoelaces, build up its momentum as it passed my right ankle then knee then hip then chest then shoulder then head, and fling up towards whatever happened to be in the area. It was, in a word, transcendent.

Ray Allen’s jumper is probably the closest I’ve ever seen come to it. So connect the dots to finish his, because by doing so you’ll complete mine. We are kindred spirits, you and me, linked forever by the cosmos.

J.R. Smith is everyone’s everything. Remember when he and his beautiful haircut signed with the Knicks last year during Linsanity then came in and scored 60? (I didn’t look that stat up, but I’m almost certain it’s true.) Remember when he was the lovable gunner in Denver? Remember when he was the loathsome gunner in Denver? Remember when he was the lovable gunner again in Denver? Remember his slam dunk contest? Remember his purported gang affiliations? Remember him posting pictures of a model on Twitter? Remember 4,000 other things?

J.R. Smith is amazing. J.R. Smith is love. You love him, even if you don’t love him, and only J.R. Smith can even explain exactly what that means. So help him out here. Give him his tattoos back. Feel free to leave your handiwork in the comments.

There are a lot of players in the NBA that are entertaining, but few are as so as the gunslinger Stephen Jackson*. I mean, you don’t have to scroll through headlines more than a few minutes before you find SOMETHING. Like this thing from earlier this week about him getting fined by the league for tweeting to Serge Ibaka that he was going to fuck him up the next time he saw him (paraphrased, by the way). Which is why the very first NBA Activity page had to star him.

*Stephen Jackson was a key piece of the Spurs’ 2002-03 championship team, and a star on the Golden State team that knocked the dastardly Dallas Mavericks out of the playoffs in 2006-07. I will forever love him. He could punch my sister in the stomach and the first thing I’d say would be, “Hey, remember when you bombed all those threes in the 19-0 run against the Nets in Game 6 of the NBA Finals.”

Oh, real quick, background: In October, I created this thing called Bun B’s Jumbo Coloring and Rap Activity Tumblr. It’s a combination of rap-inspired coloring pages and rap-inspired activity pages like word searches and connect the dots and so on. It got popular, and it’ll actually become a book in fall 2013, thanks to the nice folks at the prestigious ABRAMS book. So from that came the NBA Activity pages. Every so often, we’ll upload an actionable page here for you to complete, exclusive to The Basketball Jones.

So again: This first one is a Stephen Jackson activity page, wherein you can color him and his headbands and then attach the headbands to his head, paper doll-style. So do that. Aces.

Shea Serrano is one of our new contributors for this season. He’s a writer and he wants you to take him seriously. He wears glasses and owns a tweed jacket with leather elbows. He’s written for Grantland, SLAM, Village Voice, LA Weekly and more. He’s great.

Every Friday, I come home from work and inspect the contents of a red folder and a blue folder. The folders belong to my twin sons, Boy A and Boy B, both of whom are in kindergarten. I suspect their teachers send them home to serve as indirect proof that they’re in class learning handwriting and math and not black magic or racist terms for Mexicans, but that’s just a guess.

Anyway, generally, the folders are full of worksheets and whatnot, of which I pretend to peruse for four or five seconds before spouting out some form of dad rhetoric (“Great job, champ!” or whatthefuckever) and then patting one or both on the back of the head. A couple of weeks ago though, there was something new.

To celebrate Columbus Day, Boy B’s class made these little paper bag Christopher Columbus puppets. And I was offended. Not that they were basically high-fiving one of the most dastardly historical figures of all-time, but because OH MY GOD THE PUPPET BOY B MADE WAS BASICALLY THE SHITTIEST PUPPET YOU’VE EVER SEEN.

It was so shitty that I’m forced to try to explain to you how awful it was rather than just show you a picture of it because as soon as he wandered away from me I immediately destroyed it because OH MY GOD THE PUPPET WAS BASICALLY THE SHITTIEST PUPPET YOU’VE EVER SEEN. So that’s why we have these guys below.

These are some WAY MORE WAVY paper bag puppets for you. There’s Paper Garnett, Paper Harden and Paper Pop. The instructions are on each page, though I’m certain you’d have been able to figure it out anyway. So have it. Thanks. Great job, champs.

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