Archive for the ‘Ostentatious Displays of Wealth’ Category

You know that old saying, “Add insult to injury?” Pretty much the literal definition of Amar’e Stoudemire’s week.

First, he found out that the burst cyst in his knee would keep him out of the lineup for six to eight weeks. Then he lived on the East Coast, which was ravaged by Hurricane Sandy and eventually led to the Knicks’ first game being postponed. Then, after the rains had stopped, he went outside to check on his Range Rover and found it in about three feet of water. Not a great few days.

On the plus side, at least he didn’t walk over to the car, realize he’d left his copy of Hootie & the Blowfish’s “Fairweather Johnson” in the CD player, then try to break a window to get it out. We all know his propensity for punching glass and that’s probably the only thing that could make this week any worse.

(via Posting and Toasting)

That’s Mo Williams laying in Al Jefferson’s bed — totally normal, don’t worry about it — looking like he’s easily got room for another five Mo Williamses to sleep comfortably in another guy’s bed. No big deal if Mo Williams is a beagle-basset-dachshund mix with the most expressive dog eyebrows in existence, but when you consider he’s listed at 6-foot-1, 195 pounds you realize just how gigantic this bed really is.

Estimating based on the picture, I’d guess the bed is probably 10 feet long by 10 feet wide. That’s WAY bigger than even the biggest of king beds and probably a real bear to get upstairs. Stuffing weighs way more than you’d think.

And since Big Al isn’t that comically tall (6-foot-10 according to official listings but way shorter at the draft combine) or wide, you pretty much just have to deduce that this means that Al Jefferson isn’t much of a cuddler. Either that or he’s started stockpiling supplies for the most epic bedroom fort imaginable. If that’s the case, Troy and Abed are going to be very jealous.

(via Jazz Fanatical)

One of my rules in life is that when an NBA player becomes internet famous for riding a Segway, then a video of him riding the Segway comes out, you need to put the “Arrested Development” intro in front of it and some of their background music behind it. That’s what happened, so here we are. Enjoy.

You might have assumed that once JaVale McGee was traded away from the echo chamber of goofs that was the Washington Wizards that his innate hilarity would be toned down a bit. But nope. Hardly the case. Since heading to the Mile High City, we’ve seen JaVale chuck a game ball to his mom, show off his fingerstache and throw a burrito party that nobody came to. It’s good to know that some things never change.

Like, for instance, that JaVale McGee still has his Segway. You know, the one he took through a McDonald’s drive-thru in the middle of the night. He still has it and he still rides it and that is still really great. Thumbs up for JaVale.

But now we’re left wondering — if he’ll Segway in D.C. and he’ll Segway in Denver, where else will JaVale McGee Segway? As expected, TBJ has the answers.

On the Great Wall of China

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Michael Jordan’s old credit card is going to be auctioned soon, meaning you can own the very piece of plastic that was used to buy a closet full of baggy dad jeans. So that is pretty cool, I guess.

And while you might not think it’s possible to buy anything with an expired credit card, well, don’t tell Michael Jordan there’s something he can’t do unless you want to end up in a Hall of Fame speech. The key, as you may have surmised, is to only buy things that would have been relevant back when the card was active, then hope they still hold up in 2012.

With that in mind, here’s a list of things you could buy today with Michael Jordan’s expired credit card.

  • Yellow sweater vest/gigantic untucked white dress shirt 2-for-1combination shirt
  • iPod Nano covers that look like wool socks
  • “Confessions of an Heiress,” Paris Hilton’s autobiography
  • Distressed military hat
  • Kwame Brown
  • Lot of 100 Livestrong bracelets (or lot of 100 Kabbalah red string bracelets)
  • Tickets to the Blue Collar Comedy Tour
  • “Napoleon Dynamite” on DVD
  • “Chappelle’s Show” season one box set
  • Anything off of the Britney Spears-Kevin Federline wedding registry
  • Opening night tickets to “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo”
  • Trucker hats
  • Myspace stock
  • Black Eyed Peas “My Humps” CD single
  • Black Eyed Peas “Let’s Get It Started” CD single
  • Black Eyed Peas “Don’t Phunk with My Heart” CD single
  • Black Eyed Peas “Hey Mama” CD single
  • Good odds on who would be named the new pope
  • Gilbert Arenas All-Star jersey

So you see, having Michael Jordan’s expired credit card is definitely going to come in handy, as pretty much nothing here is going to seem dated in today’s day and age. And while this list is a very good start, you know Michael Jordan had a pretty massive credit line. Ergo, let’s hear some of your purchases in the comments.

(via Darren Brovell/Ball Don’t Lie)

(Note: Possibly NSFW, though there is no nudity, as far as I can tell. Just a lady in a small bikini writhing underneath a flood of dollar bills.)

The worst thing about having the NBA’s most notable beard is that you can’t do anything without people noticing and taking pictures. Whether that means throwing an all-white party on a boat or just covering some nice young lady in bills, people are always going to be like, “Look at that guy with the beard. He looks like he’s having a greeeaaaat time. Wait … that’s James Harden!” and then get out their phones and put it on the internet. That has to be super frustrating when all you want to do is contribute to the local economy.

On the plus side, this should make for some great fodder for another terrible column about how James Harden needs to stay in Oklahoma City so he doesn’t go off the deep end with his partying. So that’s nice.

Pablo Prigioni is so old he remembers when joke books full of zingers like this one were popular. At age 35, he’s set to be the oldest rookie in NBA history, which means he probably does remember a series of books that were released in the early-to-mid 1990′s, assuming they were available in Argentina, which, OK, might be a stretch. Nonetheless, he’s old for a rookie and old for the NBA, as he’ll instantly be one of the 20 oldest players in the league once he plays a minute. In a summer that saw them acquire Jason Kidd, Marcus Camby and Kurt Thomas, adding a 35-year-old rookie is just super Knicks-y.

Coming with that advanced age is an appreciation for the finer things in life, the kind of things you just don’t “get” when you’re a 20-something hotshot intent on setting the NBA on fire. No, we’re talking fancy things like the fleet of antique cars and an old typewriter that Prigioni collects and rebuilds, as was recently revealed in an ESPN article detailing the Argentineans particular preferences. Those kind of things, where you need a little perspective to be able to understand the nuances of such fine engineering.

However, as we also learned from ESPN, there’s one specific, distinguished piece that’s missing from Prigioni’s formidable collection.

Speaking of bigger, he said his dream car is the “Eleanor.” It was the 1973 Ford Mustang Mach 1 featured in the 2000 feature film, “Gone in 60 Seconds,” starring Nicolas Cage.

“It’s wonderful,” he said.

Prigioni usually uses different car websites, magazines and TV shows — his favorite is “Overhaulin’” — to discover new cars he wants to buy. But he thinks coming to New York City will give him an easier time to find that rare Ford Falcon. He’s also hoping that he gets to meet his idol, Chip Foose star of “Overhaulin’.”

“Maybe I’m a lucky guy and living there I can meet Chip, and he can give me some good ideas,” said Prigioni, who plans to live in White Plains, near the Knicks’ training facility. “And maybe one day, I’ll buy my ‘Eleanor.’”

This is so, so great. Not only is it very funny that a car collector gets his ideas from Nicolas Cage movies — and don’t get me wrong, such a thing is one of the funniest of things — but the line “And maybe one day, I’ll buy my ‘Eleanor’” just kills me. It’s like he is actually embodying the spirit of Cage’s character without stooping to stealing cars. He’s the white hat Memphis Raines.

But hey, dream big, man. If coming to America and playing in the world’s best basketball league means you’ll be able to score an “Eleanor” without having to pull a complicated heist that’s being staked out by Delroy Lindo, then you should totally do it. I mean, sure, he could just get one off eBay, but what’s the fun in that? Plus, if he were to get it online, I bet Angelina Jolie wouldn’t be impressed. And really, that’s the whole point.