Archive for the ‘Ostentatious Displays of Wealth’ Category

Tyson Chandler is going to make more than $13 million to play basketball for the New York Knicks this season. And even though guys go broke all the time, that’s still a lot of money to spend. You’ve got to do something pretty special to spend that much money.

Like, I don’t know, giving your wife the “Pretty Woman” treatment because she loves that movie. (Note: This does not include treating her like a prostitute.) From New York magazine:

It’s not always easy for a man to surprise his wife, but when Knicks player Tyson Chandler overheard his wife Kimberly talking about the romantic fantasy of Pretty Woman—the shopping sprees, the private jet, the diamond-and-ruby necklace that Richard Gere proffers in a black velvet box before snapping Julia Roberts’s white-gloved hand—he started to formulate an idea. She had just been sitting there on the couch at home, watching the movie with her cousin, and then later, while Tyson was in Vegas practicing, he gave her an unexpected phone call. “I’m on my way home,” he said. “I want you to pack a bag and be ready when I get there.” Suddenly, she was off to the Beverly Wilshire Hotel, where Roberts’s character fell in love with Gere’s businessman, and the next ­morning, a stretch limo waited outside to take both of them to Barneys. “I was like, ‘Hello, what are we doing?’ ” says Kimberly. “And Tyson said, ‘Just come inside.’ ” [...]

When they arrived, they were whisked into a dressing room the size of a hotel suite, with racks of clothes throughout and shoes lined up along the perimeter, Stella ­McCartney frocks and Chloé pants and everything in her size. Tyson gestured around the room, saying, “Everything you want, you can have.” Giggling, Chandler said, “Okay, good! I’ll take it all!” Slow down, slow down, he said, try some of it on. She walked out with a bounty, like a Rick ­Owens jacket with a high collar and low sleeves—it’s probably her favorite Owens jacket. And the rest? “I don’t really remember,” she says. “I know I have some pieces still.”

No idea if this is true, but I have to imagine Tyson Chandler’s wife said “You work on commission, right? Big mistake. Big. Huge. I have to go shopping” at some point during the day. What “Pretty Woman” fan could resist that? None of them.

In related news, Tyson Chandler needs a new closet if anyone is selling a small apartment in New York City.

We know that Joe Johnson makes a crazy amount of money. We know he has an endorsement contract with Jordan Brand that gifts him with multiple exclusive versions of pretty much every shoe they make. We even know that he has a gigantic shoe closet that houses his shoes.

But we didn’t know just how extravagant that a combination of those things can be. I mean, there’s no way you could even guess what else he had in his huge shoe storage because it barely makes sense. From Dime Magazine:

Dime: Describe the room to me.
Joe Johnson: It’s a nice size. It’s big enough for me and probably about six or seven of my friends. We all go in there and we shoot on the goal that I got hanging up in there. We might bet for pushups or you gotta go jump in the pool when it’s ice cold outside. It’s pretty big. I take naps in there too. I got a bed that was in there. I took it out but I’m gonna put it back in.

Dime: So you actually do stuff in there? It’s not just a sneaker closet?
JJ: Nah. Well I mean that’s the main theme of it, my sneaker closet. But I just try to do some cool stuff, put a bed, a TV in there, things of that nature. I just like the feel of it.

OK, so not only does Joe Johnson have a humongous shoe closet with more than a thousand pairs of shoes, mirrored ceilings, a basketball hoop and a fingerprint recognition entry system, he also used to have a bed in there so he could take naps when he got tired, presumably from trying to find one of his pairs of shoes. One more time for emphasis — Joe Johnson had, and will soon have again, a bed in his shoe closet. That is hilarious and it’s even more hilarious that it’s coming from Joe Johnson. You’d expect it from a Gilbert Arenas type, but boring Joe Johnson? Quite the surprise.

Next time you go in your closet, which probably cannot hold six or seven buddies and has more than just shoes in it, try to lay down and take a nap. Maybe bring an air mattress with you, just to get the full JoeJohn experience. That’s the closest you or I will ever get to this kind of luxury. I’m going to guess it feels awesome, but I’ll just wait for the first-hand reports.

(via Complex)

Since 2000, I’m pretty sure the jokey description for an engagement ring is something involving the “Circle of Trust” from “Meet the Parents.” But now, thanks to Amar’e Stoudemire, that long and oppressive reign has come to an end.

From now on, if you want to make a crack about getting engaged, make sure you go with “This right here is my love, outside of my heart, on her finger.” It’s a killer line and it’s good to update our slang from time to time.

Plus, if you can still make your fiancée cry even though there are obviously cameras following you around and it’s obviously not a surprise, well, you need to be honored in somehow. As far as I’m concerned, there’s no higher praise than internet blog acclaim.

(via Posting and Toasting)

Are you guys always carrying around your basketball in a stupid duffel bag and wondering, “Why can’t I find a fashionable and far more costly way to carry this basketball? Oh, and I wish it was a lot more inconvenient too.” Sure, you have. That’s a very common thing to think about when you’re getting ready to hoop. And lucky for you, there is a fashionable, expensive and bothersome way to lug your basketball to and from games.

It comes from a leather brand called Fleet Ilya, it’s called the “Basketball Cage” and it retails for £400 (basically $620 US). It’s the Ball Claw for our generation.

By now, you are probably confused as to why you would need to spend 620 bucks to buckle some leather straps around your ball when you could spend $15 to accomplish the exact same thing. But that’s missing the point. If you’re spending this money to carry around a basketball, you want people to notice and say, “That’s a sick basketball strap, bro,” which is something literally no one will say if you buy this.

In fact, if you buy this, I am guessing you’ll end up more frustrated that anything. Maybe there is some kind of quick-close mechanism I’m missing, but it seems like this would be a bit complicated to hook up when it’s very easy to just throw your ball in whatever bag you carry your shoes in or just put it under your arm like a normal person. Plus, if you get the white one (it comes in tan and black as well), it’s going to get filthy and you’ll be upset you just wasted $600 on a dirty, completely unnecessary leather web for your basketball, which again, is very easy to carry by itself.

So no thanks, Fleet Ilya. I’m going to hang on to my $620 for now. After all, that suspender and belt combo isn’t going to buy itself.

(via Fantastic Man)

According to reports, the NBA will being introducing 2-inch by 2-inch advertisements on the shoulders of jerseys during the 2013-2014 season. And according to my graphics editing program, that is a 2×2 square. (You might get a different measurement, depending on monitor resolution settings and other technology nonsense, but the point stands that this is about as big as the ads will be.) Somehow, I think we will be able to live with this, since the only thing that is really bugging me is that this image is a different width than every other image and video on this site.

But hey, maybe you hate the idea of ads appearing on jerseys at all. That is understandable, what with slopes being slippery and all that. If that’s the case, better buy your replica jerseys soon, because you won’t be able to get get an ad-free one in the future. From the AP:

“The view is, that the teams would need a significant time; one, to sell the patch; and number two, for Adidas to manufacture the uniforms, because the patch that would be on the players’ uniforms would also appear on the jerseys at retail,” said Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver, who is handling the uniform change.

That’s right — just like fans of every soccer team in the world, you’ll soon be buying NBA jerseys with ads on them. The potential for hilarity is huge, depending on the sponsors that each team secures, and it’s basically inevitable that a league like the NBA wouldn’t put ads on their uniforms, especially when you consider that has already happened in the WNBA and D-League, both of which are league properties. These owners aren’t going to pass up that kind of money.

As you might expect, Kevin Arnovitz nails it:

Once you get past aesthetics, it’s difficult to find a rationale against jersey sponsorships. Shorter contracts and increased player movement have given more weight than ever to the Seinfeldian notion that NBA jerseys are just laundry, vessels that carry the true product — the collective talents of the guys playing the games, jamming the ball, blocking the shots, draining the 3s. If a corporate logo doesn’t compromise those skills and actually strengthens the fortunes of the league, then it’s an idea that should be carried to fruition. [..]

Fans who don’t like the patch will have one recourse: They can refrain from buying those jerseys. More likely, that 4-square-inch patch will fade into the background because, when a sport is healthy, the event takes center stage.

I’m sure we’d all prefer it if there were no ads on our favorite teams’ uniforms, but with $100 million a season hanging in the balance, that’s not going to happen. It’ll be strange at first — though with the ads being as little as that picture up top, probably not as strange as we’re expecting — but in a couple years time, we won’t even notice these patches.

Of course, as soon as that happens, they’ll put huge ones across the front and we’ll end up cheering for the Qatar Foundation. So it goes.

If these past playoffs taught us anything, it’s that dressing fancy is the best way to get noticed in the NBA. Sure, you could dominate a game, score 40-something points or hit a ton of threes, but it’s way easier to wear a zany shirt or some glasses without lenses. That’s what really gets the people talking.

And that’s why we shouldn’t be surprised that Chris Paul has so many watches, which we’re not. The surprising part, however, is that he travels with so many at all times. From Maxim:

How many watches are in your collection?
That’s hard to say because I have so many kinds: G-Shock, sports watches, Jordan watches. But luxury watches, I have 12 that I take everywhere I go.

Why bring them all?
Because I just never know where I’ll be going or what I’ll be wearing.

I don’t know why anyone would ever need to travel with a dozen luxury watches, but I guess Chris Paul does. We all know looking good is important in the NBA and it seems that even extends to the wrists. 12 different luxury watches, though, seems hilarious because it makes you wonder how many outfits Chris Paul travels with. Watches can’t look that different, so you have to imagine he’s making decisions based on tiny things that correlate to what he has in his wardrobe.

This just seems like a waste of space though. Affording a dozen luxury watches is no big deal for a guy that makes $16 million a year, but even multimillionaires run out of space in their suitcases. Yeah, he can just buy a special watch suitcase, but that makes things such a hassle. 12 watches can’t take up a ton of room, but it’s still 12 watches worth — and you don’t want them to get scratched — and I’m guessing they’re sort of heavy. It just seems impractical.

All that being said, at least we know Chris Paul should always be on time. He literally has no excuse for not knowing what time it is. He could lose 11 watches and still be good. Heck, I’m guessing he could lose all 12 and it wouldn’t matter because it’s 2012 and his cell phone surely has the time on it. If he’s ever late for anything, don’t believe a word he says.

(via Hooped Up)

Between posting his American Express black card online, getting a tattoo of a five dollar bill on his throat and getting a frickin’ ATM installed in his kitchen, it is almost like DeShawn Stevenson would like everyone to know that he has made more than $25 million in his career. In no way does that explain why he’s dressed like penniless jazz musician, but that seems to be the message he’s sending.

(via Nets Are Scorching)